Opposite Sex Sponsorship?

Discussions related to 12 Step Sponsors, 12 Step Sponsoring, Working with others using the 12 Steps, for AA's, NA's, Al-Anons, Nar-Anons, OA, and others using the 12 Steps.
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Postby Dallas » Wed Dec 31, 2008 1:49 pm

"Whenever anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA to always be there. And for that, I am responsible."

From another perspective: "the hand of AA" .... I'm not the hand of AA... I'm just a little bit of the dirt attached underneath the finger nails of the AA hand! A worker among workers.
:lol: :lol: :lol:

"If" I could be responsible for ALL ... I and we wouldn't need anyone but me! :lol: :lol: :lol:

All-or-Nothing Thinking was my thinking that kept me in trouble... Kept me swimming up-stream... when it was best for me to be a floater in the middle. :lol:

The only race I ever needed to win... was the race against the other swimmers... to reach my momma's egg... :lol: :lol:

That made me a born winner and I didn't even know it.

I kept trying to compete and win the race of Life... after I had already won the only race in life that would ever really count for me.

One of my dependencies was: I thought I had to be ALL things to ALL people ALL the time.... I had to be the fastest, the firstest, the highest, the lowest... I had to have ALL the answers because I thought I had to have ALL the answers... for ALL the people... and guess what???

My life was unmanageable!!! I couldn't even manage to be of much use to myself... even though I just had to save ALL the others!!! :lol: :lol:

Of myself I can do nothing... It is the He that is within me that doeth the work... and is the ALL to the ALL.... and I ain't He and He ain't me. I'm just a little piece of the hose... and hopefully, I'll be included in passing on the flow of His water. :lol:


garden variety
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Postby garden variety » Wed Dec 31, 2008 2:31 pm

Pretty deep.

I just thought it meant that whenever anyone anywhere was needing help, I might have a responsibility to give it to them if I was there and available. Particularly if we live in the same house.

Silly me. :roll:

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Postby Dallas » Fri Jan 02, 2009 1:40 pm

I've always thought of it as in context to the subject he was referring to... AA (The Fellowship and the Solution).

Meaning... what can I do to be sure that AA is available to the suffering alcoholic's hand that's reaching out?

Answering the call, phones, financial support of AA, time, money, effort, sweep the floor, be responsible, supporting the group, meetings, organization... etceteras... and making 12th Step calls and doing 12th step work, and doing what I can to help make sure that the 12th Step work of AA will be there... wherever "there" is.

I guess it's a good idea for whoever reads it to read it and understand it as they understand it, and not necessarily as I understand it. :lol:

daily reprieve
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Opposite Sex Sponsorship?

Postby daily reprieve » Fri Oct 23, 2009 10:45 am

Squeeze an alcoholic hard enough and the co-dependent will pop out. Read the last paragraph on page 68 and finish with the paragraph which starts: "To sum up about sex:" Most of us come into A.A. with little or no idea what a healthy relationship is, whether with men or women. Sex relations are not just about intercourse. "In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life." Pg. 69. I had to learn from a man how to be a man, lest I continue to shape my ideal around what a woman would want me to be. Men and women are different. If we weren't, the divorce rate wouldn't hover around 50%. I'm not talking about gender roles either; women stay home to cook and clean, men work and pay the bills. My spiritual tool kit, which helped me shape a sane ideal, was given to me by another man. I basically copied him because he had what I wanted for myself. It would be interesting to see the results if I copied a woman. Not that women are less then. I'm just not one.

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Opposite Gender Sponsorship (OGS)

Postby kfbvkb » Mon Mar 22, 2010 5:18 pm

A letter to a woman who refuses to consider the suggestion to get a woman sponsor:
Dear Lady AA Member
This is my belief. It may not be relevant to you but I’m principled to a fault and refuse to facilitate you by finding middle ground just because I like you or want you to have the very best I have to offer. Remember I’m trying to be a servant not a governor----poorly done at times, I admit.

There are defensible points for and against OGS. If you’re interested, look at http://www.step12.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=1012 or read the Sponsorship pamphlet from the rack in the meeting hall.

We suggest new persons get a like gender sponsor without delay. However, if no like gender persons exist it is too precarious to quash “Our primary purpose is to stay sober and to help other alcoholics achieve sobrietyâ€

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Postby Dallas » Mon Mar 22, 2010 7:34 pm

Welcome to the site kfbvkb!!! I agree with you!

Best regards,


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Postby lenny » Sun Feb 20, 2011 9:44 pm

Just my 2 cents,if someone from the opposite sex,ask him or her to be a sponsor,then i do not see the problem.But i do believe(and this is for me only)that strict guideline's be layed out from the start. 8)

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Women Sponors

Postby JJ1973 » Mon Nov 14, 2011 8:21 am

I am a man who mostly identifies as gay. I have a sponsor that I am not so sure is comfortable hearing about "gay stuff" when we talk. In fact he told me that was one of his fears when I asked him to sponsor me. So that is an aspect of my life that I don't discuss with him...I have often wondered if I should get a female sponsor because of this...I am a little over a year sober. I am struggling with some issues regarding my sexuality as I always have and how that affected my drinking...I have been thinking about drinking alot lately. There are issues with my roommate and his GF (he used to be my sponsor and went back out) his sponsor at the time took me on. He is back in the program and we live together. So we are both sponsored by the same man and have issues I with each other. I don't feel I can open up about some of the things with my roommate (ex sponsor) with HIS sponsor and HIS sponsor is MY sponsor. This will be the 3rd sponsor I have had in my short journey. My question is are there any women who have sponsored gay men and does anyone have any experience with this? I don't have any gay friends in sobriety and didn't have many when I was drinking either.

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Postby PeaceJoy » Mon Nov 14, 2011 12:51 pm

JJ, I think it is really important to be able to be open with your sponsor about your life. Your sexuality is a huge part of who you are. I think a gay man having a female sponsor makes a lot of sense. Also, do you have any gay meetings in your area?


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Postby PK12 » Mon Dec 19, 2011 1:24 am

Unless there isn't a healthy woman within 50 miles, I think a woman asking a man to sponser her is flirting with disaster considering there are guys floating around some fellowships that would be more than happy to help out a vulnerable newcomer woman that somehow interpret that as an invitation, just as saying "hi" to some guys means "she wants me".
On the other hand I've heard of guys asking a woman to sponser them and in one instance, she was someone I know from our morning meeting, and she said it was done in such a flirtatious way that she told the guy to ask her husband behind the coffee bar, At which point he walked off never to talk to her again, proving her assumption to be right.
How can a man be objective with a woman in a 5th step, concerning an obvious flaw like revealing attire , manipulating men, or her need to be validated by men, and all those issues best understood and best left to another woman to be pointed out, otherwise you're really doing a dis-service to this person.
Just my thoughts...

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