Do other people end-up copping a resentment against "All Men" / "All women" in recovery just because a few were practicing the 13th step?
I was just past my 1st year of recovery and started following a woman around who has some time. I did all kinds of stuff for her and helped her with college. She used to sell herself under the bridge for her drug of choice and lived that way for years.
She's also very respected by other women in my area. I was on that emotional pink cloud when I was with her, but we never had sex. We had this wonderful emotional relationship, the kind I never had with any woman before. I felt like she had to be "the one". She did tell me all we could be was friends, but she knew how I felt a little bit and even said stuff like "maybe in 5 yrs" or "Maybe someday". I figured I was cultivating something good. I never made any move on her at all, except friendly intimacy. I respected what she was telling me, even though we'd spend 5 out of 7 days of the week together and even slept together platonically.
When I couldn't restrain my un-requited lust and let her know it after months of this going on, she got angry with me and when I'd share about it in meetings word got back to her and she'd cop a resentment at me about that too. She felt I was damaging her reputation. All I was doing was seeking support for the very extreme emotional pain I was in.
I went from hating myself and feeling as-if I was wrong for wanting her and a bad person - to hating her and feeling she did in-fact wrong me on purpose. I finally came to a place where I realized how silly I was being for desiring a woman with such a past (even if her life looks all rosey now) and realizing that she's sicker than myself. I was not "wrong" because she made me horny. I'm a man.
The whole experience was good and bad. When I drank, I never knew how to initiate sex, or make the first move on a woman. The alcohol just made me lose my inhibitions and fears. It also made me lose my selectivity and I'd wake-up next to some pretty scary ones. I had no sober reference.
Thanks to the steps I have to own what part I played in it and not make that mistake again, however I can't seem to be emotionally available to women in recovery anymore. They must stay on "that" side of the wall until I know for certain where things are going.
I was working on being less shy and introverted and becoming more outgoing and friendly with the women and then that happened and I stopped being that way. Granted, I know what my motive was, however now I don't approach people unless they're men, or unless they approach me (namely the women). The experience threw me right back to being that shy, insecure kid that can't get a girl to go out with him.
I don't go for women I want anymore. The experience had some good come out of it, however it also created and re-enforced fear that I hoped I was getting past.