I don't have to fix it.

Help for alcohol abuse addiction alcoholics who want to stay sober
Then, and only then
Posts: 50
Joined: Wed Mar 02, 2011 10:33 pm

I don't have to fix it.

Postby Then, and only then » Fri Mar 04, 2011 5:28 am

I heard a good story at yesterday's meeting. This drunk went to ski with his novist wife on a black diamond slope. His wife got scared, and took them 2 hours to ski down. Instead of leaving her on a slope, instead of telling her to go back to lift, insteadnof holding her hands, he watched her right next to her and skied together. As a result, they laughed, cried and had fun on the slope, together.

I wish I can do that. Why do I constantly need to fix things. Why can I accept the situation, and do what I can to make it better? If it was me on the slope, I would think she was a baggage in my life and I should fix this marriage by leaving her. Then I would feel the guilt, then upset, then sad, and then the ultimate closure, the self pity.

Poor me, stuck with this non-spontaneous women for a life time, what have I done to my life, I could have been so beautiful. Oh, I know, let's ski down hill and take that vodka. That will num this cruel world! Ditch her, she will manage. She can use some alone time in this windy hill, it would be good for her anger issues. That is what I would have done. Nom wonder my wife does not want to go anywhere!

Instead of trying to fix it, I do worse, I dump it. How do I take things as they are? How do I kill this sensitivity? What will work? I can not eat any more chocolates. I am almost sick of it. I can not take naps any more than nowadays. I done the steps twice. Talking to another drunk will relive me temporarily, but it is still there. I am sick of helping another tongue chewing babbling idiots. They do not listen.

Oh, a prayer. Ya, I forgot. It was all "I". I forgot I can not. A power greater than myself to solve all my problems, all of it. I forgot I am doing only a small part in this opera of life. I have turned that over. Ya, I will pray for acceptance.

I only sermon God in emergencies, I am good over here, God. I will call you when I need you. Till then, have a seat right by Genie and Santa Claus. I got this.

Posts: 606
Joined: Wed Sep 10, 2008 12:03 pm

Postby sunlight » Fri Mar 04, 2011 3:17 pm

Thank you for sharing yourself with us. You really have a way of reaching deep within and touching our hearts. Thank you.

I was always saving the world when I was drinking. ( Never saw that I couldn't save myself. ) And if things didn't go down the way I thought they should, you were banished from the planet. And I added all the soap opera drama to the scenario of, "They don't appreciate me, they'll be sorry, don't come crying to me..." I was unbearable, even to myself. It's a wonder someone didn't murder me just to make the world a better place.

What helps today is to take a deep breath, relax and stay totally in the present moment, asking & looking for what I can constructively & positively bring to the situation. And asking how I can best serve my Higher Power & others. Then actually doing it! This took a lot of dining on humble pie. I choked it down at first, cuz this didn't come easy for me. Sometimes it still feels like I'm dying. I kind of am: dying to my old selfish ways.

Once I get past the discomfort of all that, it becomes easier & even fun. :mrgreen: The bondage of self is a heavy burden.

I got to put this into action last week, attending my ex-husband's funeral. The only people who wanted me there were our children. His friends & relatives even took it upon themselves to call me & tell me how hated I was. :twisted: They told me things he'd said about me. How I wanted to prove they weren't true! I wanted to be vindicated!

Instead, I met with my sponsor, called an Al-Anon friend, prayed, meditated and set out to attend the service with grace.
God granted me the serenity! :shock: I was able to add a lot to the event (flowers, food) while remaining in the background. And when the chaplain asked if I'd like to speak during the eulogy, I shot up a request to God for the right words, since I had not intended to speak. People told me later how beautiful it was. That's God, friends.

My way of fixing things only further screws up the works. God's way is perfect beyond imagining.

Practice, practice, practice..... :wink:

Then, and only then
Posts: 50
Joined: Wed Mar 02, 2011 10:33 pm

Postby Then, and only then » Fri Mar 04, 2011 11:40 pm

Thank you. You are too kind. Only if you knew me.

That was beautiful what you did and what you did not. I hope it would bring some closure to your pain. Good night, my friend. :wink:

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