I hope that hopeless for you -- is not what hopeless for me, was.
I discovered that I had reached of place of total hopeless-ness. I couldn't live sober and I didn't want to die drunk. My alcoholism was killing me regardless if I drank it or didn't drink it -- and I couldn't keep from going back to it, over and over and over and over again.
For me, I realized, that with God's help -- or without God's help -- I still couldn't stay sober.
I didn't believe that God could or would help me and even if He did -- like I said, I knew that I couldn't do it. I didn't have faith. I didn't have hope. And, I didn't believe.
Here's what I did -- that may have been what helped. I told God that I couldn't do it. And, I told God that I didn't believe I could do it -- even if He did help me. I faced the facts as I understood them -- that my alcoholism was going to kill me, drunk or sober. You see, sobriety was killing me as much or more and faster than the alcohol was killing me. Drinking just seemed to slow down my demise and make it more bearable -- until sobriety would finally do me in.
So, knowing that I couldn't do it alone, or with all of A.A.'s help, and even with God's help and all of A.A.'s help -- I made an agreement with God, and said "I am willing to go to any lengths to act as if -- it might work and that you might help me."
I began to take actions that I did not believe in. Praying to a God, that I did not believe could help me. Taking the 12 Steps and "acting as if" they would help -- when deep in my heart I believed that it was no use. I did it anyway. And, I made a commitment to do it with all that I had in me, going to any lengths to do what I had to do -- for as long as I could -- before the sobriety killed me.
As I see it today -- almost 24 yrs sober, later -- I still don't believe that I can do it, with or without God's help. Yet, I'm sober. And, I've continued to stay sober. And, I'm comfortable with my sobriety. I'm at peace in my heart and mind. I feel happy and most of the time I experience pure joy in my daily living. I've just simply continued acting as if I could do it -- with God's help and with the help of the fellowship of A.A.
What I do believe -- is that by "acting as if" it would work, and doing it anyway, what must have happened, somewhere along the way is -- I stumbled upon something, that helped me to get myself out of God's way -- and He ended up doing for me -- what I still cannot do for myself.
That's all I really know about it. I can't. We can't (in my case) -- but, God did. And, God does.
I'm no saint. I have plenty of short-comings. I do try and go to any lengths to do the right thing -- right now. But, I also do often fail. And, I know that and I admit it.
I stumbled upon something one day when I was reading pages 13 & 14, in Bill's Story, that I have now experienced. Bill wrote about the "Belief -- in the Power of God." Not -- belief in God, as I had expected to read -- but, "Belief in the Power of God -- PLUS ENOUGH" of the other elements that Bill went on to write down.
Today, there is something I can honestly say, that happened to me. I came to believe, and I now believe in The Power -- of God. I can't and He does. All I can do is take the actions and try to get myself out of His way so that He will continue to do.
This rambling may not help you -- but it helped me. I needed to share it.