- Spouses that attend Al-Anon

Spouses that attend Al-Anon




A discussion of topics related to relationships in recovery and treatment

Spouses that attend Al-Anon

Postby lotusinbloom » Mon Mar 21, 2011 8:08 am

I am so blessed. My spouse is incredibly supportive. He is an active member of Al-Anon and I see many positive changes in him; however, although I get the vibe from him that he's become this "holier than thou" person. Sometimes he questions my motives, etc. and it's like he is judging me...perhaps this is just my perception. I am so proud of him and at times I think he is going after this with more vigor than I. He has a sponsor and his proud atheistic values have now changed....he prays, believes in God...truly a miracle! I have a lot of guilt that I carry about the way I treated him when I was using and boozing. Sometimes I get the vibe that he still carries this resentment (I can't blame him). He catches me when I am acting selfish and calls me out. I find this annoying. I KNOW that I am acting selfish at times. I pray about it. It's not easy changing years and years of patterned behavior! He enabled me for years. That has totally stopped and I know he is a changed person. There will be no more enabling. I'm jumping around here a bit. Sorry. I just feel from him that he is so much better than me. He is working his program harder than me and his change in behavior somehow makes me feel inferior. I'm probably just being resentful. Any thoughts, suggestions, ideas would truly be appreciated.

Hope this finds everyone with a smile on their face!

deb
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Postby Dallas » Mon Mar 21, 2011 3:18 pm

Sponsor or Spouse? They can't be both.... trying to live a Sponsor/Spouse relationship is guaranteed to fail.

In relationships where both people are in "Fellowships" and "Programs"... it's important for each of them to "work their own program" and not try working the program of the other. :wink:

Sometimes, the one person wants to "sponsor" or "parent" the other person -- and then deny that this is what they are doing. Then, they want to play the "we are equals" game. (Especially in the bedroom, or at times of trying to get what they want.) :lol:
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Postby lotusinbloom » Mon Mar 21, 2011 8:27 pm

Dallas wrote:Sponsor or Spouse? They can't be both.... trying to live a Sponsor/Spouse relationship is guaranteed to fail.

In relationships where both people are in "Fellowships" and "Programs"... it's important for each of them to "work their own program" and not try working the program of the other. :wink:

Sometimes, the one person wants to "sponsor" or "parent" the other person -- and then deny that this is what they are doing. Then, they want to play the "we are equals" game. (Especially in the bedroom, or at times of trying to get what they want.) :lol:


he is my SPOUSE
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Postby Dallas » Tue Mar 22, 2011 1:26 am

lotusinbloom wrote:however, although I get the vibe from him that he's become this "holier than thou" person. Sometimes he questions my motives, etc. and it's like he is judging me...perhaps this is just my perception.


In some peoples cases (and maybe NOT yours) ... it's more than just their perception... because it really IS happening. And, some (not all) Al-Anon's have a history of trying to work their own program & their spouse's program for the spouse! (Trying to fix 'em!) :lol: :lol: Some... even seem to think that working their spouses program IS part of their program! :lol:

No damage here intended! :wink: And, AA's have been known to do it w/ other AA's, too! So, it's not just an Al-Anon, thing.
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Postby lotusinbloom » Tue Mar 22, 2011 7:56 am

Dallas wrote:
lotusinbloom wrote:however, although I get the vibe from him that he's become this "holier than thou" person. Sometimes he questions my motives, etc. and it's like he is judging me...perhaps this is just my perception.


In some peoples cases (and maybe NOT yours) ... it's more than just their perception... because it really IS happening. And, some (not all) Al-Anon's have a history of trying to work their own program & their spouse's program for the spouse! (Trying to fix 'em!) :lol: :lol: Some... even seem to think that working their spouses program IS part of their program! :lol:

No damage here intended! :wink: And, AA's have been known to do it w/ other AA's, too! So, it's not just an Al-Anon, thing.


no offense taken.....he is making so much progress in Al-Anon and perhaps I am feeling this way because I am worried that I am not making progress quickly enough, you know? the more i think about it, the more i realize that it stems from my own insecurities (and perhaps a bit of jealousy)....he's not really parenting me, i guess, but looking out for me and demonstrating through his actions the commitment he has made to the program, you know? perhaps i am looking at things through myopic eyes, you know? over-analyzing things that only exist in my blurred perception. i guess he just wants to share his enthusiasm and i am perceiving that as a sort of personal afront to me where there is none,you know?
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