LIVING A LIE...

[deann]

/z

[Dallas]

As I see it, you've got two choices...

1. Come clean, get sober & get into recovery... and suffer the pain of the lies for a while. Or...

2. Continue the way you are going... and suffer the pain of it for the rest of your life.

For me? I'd rather suffer the pain now and get over it instead of trying to live w/ it for the rest of my life.

You've got some serious "you" problems going on. What you've been trying to do is illogical. And, it can't work. Ever.

You can "not be sober" and still convince yourself that "you've taken the Steps"... but, you can't convince another sober person that has taken the steps of this. Before & during taking the steps you've got to be sober -- or, your just spinning your wheels in your lies to yourself. In the Big Book, we refer to this as "delusion." And, delusional thinking seems to be what you're dealing with most.

You have to make a decision:

1. Are you going to experience intense pain now -- and get over it. Or,
2. Experience intense pain now and for the rest of your life -- and not get over it?

What good is it going to do you if you have a semi-decent working relationship w/ people -- and die the alcoholic death?

As a famous guy once said "You can fool some of the people all of the time and fool all of the people some of the time -- but, you can't fool all the people all the time." If they don't already know that you're being phony with them now (which they probably do already know)... they will eventually know it -- and they'll end up angrier with you the longer it goes on.

However -- with all that said -- think it through... If you're not going to get serious about your problem & do something about it... it's better to just try to keep living the lies as long as you can. The only "worse thing" that you can do -- than what you're doing now is: to tell them you're going to get serious and then you don't follow through.

Here's my suggestion:

1. For now -- just keep your mouth shut about it with the others. Don't say anything about it. Then,

2. Get serious about yourself and your problem and start doing something about it so that you can get sober & stay sober.

3. We don't do our 5th Step with our friends, family & lovers. It's totally wrong to do that because we only hurt them more -- trying to "make us feel better." It's selfish & harmful to hurt them so that we can hurt less.

4. We don't make amends until we are on Step 9. And, you're not there yet.

5. Find someone in recovery that can & will call you on your crap and your dishonesty. Someone that doesn't treat you with the "lovey, touchy, feely" bs that will take you to your grave! Find someone w/ a big shoe size that will put a boot up your butt -- and you make a decision & commitment to allow them to put a boot up your butt -- when you start trying to con them -- and stick w/ your decision!

6. Do it now! From reading what you wrote above -- it's apparent to me, that you don't have much time left to be fooling around w/ it. You may already be at a point of no return and you wont know if you are or not until you go to absolutely ANY lengths to find out.

Wishing you the best. BTW... I do understand. Your story is not unique and your experience is not unique.

Dallas

[deann]

zl

[Dallas]

A long time ago, I read a poem titled "I'd rather see a Sermon than Hear One."

I thought of how well the poem fit us alcoholics. We were ALWAYS preaching how "This time it's for good! I'm going to quit! I'm going to do what's right from now on -- and, by the way... just in case you didn't know... here is some more of the stuff I've been doing... so go ahead and forgive me of this... because I won't be doing that any more either!"

And... in a few hours, or days, or weeks, and/or sometimes months... we'd be right back to where we were before we started! Doing the same ol' same ol'.

And... our friends & families & kids would end up hating us all the more for it!

Why? Because we kept getting their hopes up -- and then we'd let them down. We were telling them things that "we thought" we could do -- but we were Powerless over doing! We didn't have the Power... nor the structure & self-discipline to carry out doing what we told them we would do! And, rightly so, they would get ticked at us!

It's best to keep our mouths shut -- most of the time!

I try to live by the rule of "show them" rather than "tell them." If I haven't told them -- then, I'm not letting them down, when I fail to "show them" that I'm making progress.

Our loved one's don't want to "hear" our songs & dances... they want to "see" our progress.

So, we keep quiet. We do the work quietly... getting better and better. We don't bring it up w/ them. We wait until some time in the future that "they" bring it up with something like "Remember when you used to do this or that? You don't do that anymore!" -- We know what they are talking about -- but, we act like "Oh really? I haven't thought about it! Thank God, I'm not doing that anymore, aye?"

[deann]

ll

[deann]

vv

[Dallas]

Thank you, Deann. I appreciate you!

Yes... the only one that we have to prove anything to is ourselves! Because IF we prove it to ourselves -- we're being true to ourselves and this is what "honesty" really means. When we're true to ourselves -- we will automatically be true to others -- regardless if they believe it or not -- and regardless if we ever say a word about it or not.

The intense pressure of trying to live up to the expectations of others -- can be enough pressure to drive us to the brink of a drink. And, none of us need that additional pressure!

Dallas