Sorry I know this will be upsetting - 12 steps selfish?

[scarfire73]

So my partner is in a Coda/SLAA twelve step program. To be supportive I have read the literature and a book.

I do not dare say this to her but I am finding a hard time in all of it.

It seems to me that in some cases granting yourself the idea to accept the things you cannot change but continue to do.. is self perpetuating faults on to others and giving yourself the OK to do so.

That is.. well, hey.. so maybe you say something hurtful or for selfish reasons decide not to do something that is fair in a good partnership. Now having done that there is hurt on the other side.

But, well, you can't change it.. and make peace with that and then continue the cycle.

I am not trying to be rude. Just really trying to understand...

Peace.

[Dallas]

Still trying to figure out what you just wrote.

Does it make sense to you -- or, were you just venting about something and we're not supposed to know what it is?

I don't have a clue what you mean. Hopefully, someone else will have the insight to read into it the missing stuff that would make it understandable.

[merckx]

No where in the Big Book, in any Twelve Step Literature, or in any of my reading dealing w/ codependency have I come across anything that says I can accept my own innapropriate behavior and continue to behave innappropriately because I can't stop the behavior. Personal responsibility is an outcome of working the Twelve Steps and is also a standard goal in any therapuetic approach for Codependency.

A healthy individual evaluates their behavior regularly, both through self evaluation and outside counsel, and identifies change that needs to take place. After that needed change is identified, willingness to change and preparation to change becomes the focus. When the change has been made the focus then turns to maintaining that change.

It sounds to me like your partner is manipulating the program and adhering to the parts that she likes while discarding the parts that she does not. The other side of the coin is that you likely don't understand how the program works and there is no shame in that. Many people don't understand the program when they first encounter it. For that matter there are individuals who have been sober 20-30 years and still are gaining deeper insight into the Twelve Steps.

I would be more than happy to discuss any of this at length with you. Send me a private message.