Yes I may not be perfect but I like who I am becoming

[Dallas]

Yes I may not be perfect but I like who I am becoming

Seems like my whole Life -- I was trying to be better than I was able to be -- so that I could at least look better... to someone else.

I got so drawn up into "what I looked like to someone else" and how they saw me doing something... that I was always self-conscious about about myself -- and that helped me to feel really personally inadequate!

I wanted to be perfect! I knew I wasn't perfect... but I still wanted to be perfect so that you'd think I was at least "A OK."

How miserable I became! Hey, that would make anyone want to have a drink, right? And, after a few drinks I'd feel like I was someone other than who I really was. I felt like I was who I wanted you to think that I was. So, a few more drinks and I'd get really good, right?

That would work for about eight minutes. I'd feel good for about eight minutes and that was about all the time that the really good feeling lasted. I'd still keep drinking -- trying to recapture and recreate those brief eight minutes of bliss.

When I got sober I became really self-conscious about what I felt were my imperfections and my inadequacies.

One day, after being sober for a while -- somehow the idea seemed into my head that "I'll always be perfectly imperfect!" What? Did I really say that?

Imagine that! PERFECTLY imperfect! Whewwww! I had finally reached a place where I didn't have to be perfectly perfect -- but I could be perfect at being imperfect!

I don't know. Call it mental masturbation if you will. Juggling thoughts around or whatever... But, it actually worked!

Now something that helps me is:
"Yes I may not be perfect but I like who I am becoming!"

I'm getting better. I'm not as bad as I used to be and I'm not as good as I'll someday be. (I hope!) But, either way... I kind of like who I'm becoming. And, that opened the door just a smidgen so that I could finally start liking myself.

Best wishes to you all! You're turn to share!

Dallas

[junebug]

Thanks for sharing Dallas! That is me to a "tee!" When I was drinking of course, I couldn't see that. I am awestruck by the things I have been allowed to see about myself. I was always comparing my insides to your outsides, and coming up short! This program of ACTION has given me a new life and I know that "more will be revealed!"

[sunlight]

I always thought I was absolutely fablous!

The problem was, I wanted to be revered for that, and be MORE fablous than anyone else. Well, we all know where that goes, and for me it went straight to the bottle. I remember posting here once that I wanted a trophy just for breathing, and that's about how it was.
But, deep down I felt very insecure, and "less than" and that there was something wrong with me. That drove me even deeper into the bottle.

Once I started taking the steps, I got to be "right sized". This was such a relief! I was no longer on that see-saw of "I'm God/I'm garbage". I discoved what was wrong and what to do about it and I actually got to experience defective parts of me being removed. But it was sort of like trying to watch grass grow - I didn't see it happening all at once, but before I knew it, I needed to mow!

I like the saying, "God loves you just the way you are, and too much to leave you that way."

I still think I'm fablous!
But so are you!
Ain't it grand?