- Relationship question (Help)

Relationship question (Help)




A discussion of topics related to relationships in recovery and treatment

not really

Postby coffeewithmetoday » Mon Jun 13, 2011 4:35 pm

my personal experience is seeing these things happen again and again and hearing people share about it in the "meeting before the meeting" in the meeting and at coffee after the meeting. I have heard hundreds of stories. It is just really crazy what people will justify with no solid evidence to back it up. I suppose the used leaches to do blood letting. just that i have seen the parade of people coming in and going out for 20 years and what i say is the truth. I more or less stayed out of a serious relationship the first year but i did have relationships and i did have sex and it was through a gentle sponsor and me being honest with the people i met in my life that it worked for me. If i had been told never ever no way forget it. I might have just left the group that day.
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brainwashed

Postby BarbaraM » Mon Jun 13, 2011 8:51 pm

I last spoke to him last week. He came over and opened about having feelings and he was so happy with life. I could see and hear that he was happy. The next day he met with his sponsor and therapist. He again, pushed me away. I claimed it was the sponsor and therapist who were trying to keep him from having a balanced life. His recovery will always be priority, but where is the harm in having someone outside of the program that also cares?
I feel like his mentors are prejudging me as an adequate friend. I have spoken to therapists about this. A logical response would have been to invite me to a session or even coffee to discuss it with me too. He keeps coming back to me. There is a reason, I am not impressed with this at all.
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Postby Dallas » Mon Jun 13, 2011 10:56 pm

As long as someone else is the cause of my problem -- I'm just a victim and can't do anything that's going to help me do anything other than to be a victim.

When I take personal responsibility for my own problems and work on fixing me -- then I've got a chance of living a pretty good life.

The alcoholic perception is "it's always the other guys/girls that are the problem." If they'd only do as we tell them to do! And do it like we want them to do it -- everything would be fine! :lol: :lol:
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Postby merckx » Tue Jun 14, 2011 5:18 am

Taking a break from relationships of a sexual nature is not an A.A. invention. There are counselors, therapists, pyschologists, and psychatrists all over the world that suggest the practice when dealing w/ individuals who are emotionally unstable or are dealing w/ significant life issues.

Sex carries along with it many powerful emotions that can be difficult to process for mature healthy individuals, let along for an individual who is emotionally immature and whose relationships can be characterized as chronically unhealthy.

Most chronic substance abusers start their use during their teenage years and it is widely agreed upon that an individual's development is delayed or halted when substance abuse begins. I don't know many parents of teenagers who strongly encourage or would prefer that their sons and daughters engage in sexual behavior. Most would prefer that they delay sexual activity until they are ready to deal w/ the ramifications of a sexual relationship.

While I don't agree with setting a "time limit" on how long one must wait to enage in a sexual relationship (for the simple reason that some are ready prior to a years time and some are not ready once a year has passed) I think individuals entering recovery would do well to refrain from engaging in new relationships of a sexual nature.

One more comment ... Not drinking is only one part of sobriety.
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Not drinking

Postby coffeewithmetoday » Tue Jun 14, 2011 8:18 am

A part of sobriety? Maybe a part but what a large part. You can say and do a lot of things but if you're drinking you can't be sober. Drinking or not drinking today is the start or end of sobriety. It is the most important thing. Don't drink or drug today. I promise you that the most important thing is not if you have sex or not.

Of course there are other problems to accept and work on but if you don't stop drinking ... well i just don't know what to say here because it is so important and at the same time so simple. Take it one day at a time and don't drink or drug no matter what. With without a relationship or a crazy sponsor just do it one day at a time.

"many of us... sought help through medicine, religion, and psychiatry. None of these methods was sufficient for us."

Using what an outside therapist for step work and recovery suggestions just does not work. Most therapists know enough to send people to AA and NA for help. We are the help. We are the Experience, Strength and Hope.

And, even therapists don't say something so crazy insane like stay out of a relationship for a year unless the patient has some deep issues like rape or sexual abuse trauma issues or abuse as a child or something. Even then they don't. I know i worked in a facility that treated victims of abuse. They don't have hard rules like that and they sure don't guilt and shame people and fight with them and argue with them if they are having relationships. I heard 6 weeks to a few months is what i have heard in these cases and if there was a recent break up. After you break up with someone you want to spend 6 weeks to a few months i think.


There is no hard rule like the one these sponsors against relationships try to force guilt shame on and impose. It is cultish and gives us a bad rep and it runs people off. It is not good recovery when they do this. Just my experience.


Go to meetings. Drag yourself in if you have to.

Work Steps with an experienced sponsor who above all is working a program of "honesty" and does not impose their beliefs on you.

**Read the literature for the accurate prescription and Big Book views about sex and relationships.

** my advice for this person is that this guy is on a pink cloud and does not seem to be interested and may even be using you to feed their ego and feel good about themselves. Move on. Find a person that will be honest with you and that is interested in loving you.
Last edited by coffeewithmetoday on Tue Jun 14, 2011 6:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Not drinking

Postby merckx » Tue Jun 14, 2011 9:35 am

I'm a little confused by your response. I nor anyone else in this thread has said that as a hard fast rule that one must not be in a relationship of a sexual nature. Also, no where in my post did I say that any professional suggests a year away from relationships of a sexual nature. I said they suggest "taking a break". In that statement there is no set amount of time implied.

It sounds like you have some resentment but I am confused as to why it is being vented in this thread. My interpretation of the thread has been that there have been suggestions made / thoughts shared and a discourse about the reasoning behind those suggestions/thoughts. I have not seen anyone outside of yourself mention any "rules" and I'm not sure how this thread would motivate someone towards guilt or shame.

My comment on not drinking is simply as statement that not drinking is only part of sobriety. One can not drink but continue to function as a dry drunk. Speaking only for myself, I did an equal amount of damage as dry drunk as I did when I was drinking.
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Postby Dallas » Tue Jun 14, 2011 1:06 pm

coffeewithmetoday wrote:"many of us... sought help through medicine, religion, and psychiatry. None of these methods was sufficient for us."


Where did you come up with that quote? It isn't Big Book, just like most of your thoughts that you've expressed are not Big Book.

You seem to have a lot of anger & resentment towards anyone making suggestions that you don't particularly like -- or that may interfere with your ambitions. :lol: :lol:

That's why I ask if you could "share your personal experience".

You've taken a topic and a thread and twisted it into an opinion that shows strong bias to your opinion -- when the topic didn't have anything
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no anger

Postby coffeewithmetoday » Tue Jun 14, 2011 6:02 pm

The quote is in chapter three of the NA basic text paragraph two. Sentence two. You can do a search online and see i am telling the truth.

Which of my thoughts are not Big Book?


No, i'm not angry. Are you angry with me? I feel it is my obligation and duty to point out the truth. There simply IS NOT one word or passage in any edition of the AA big book or in any edition of the NA basic text or in the "12 and 12" or in "living sober" or in the "how it works and why" or in the "NA step guide" about staying out of relationships. People making those one year no relationship demands and trying to enforce it in groups are wrong. They have little understanding and no training in counseling and most of the time no success in long term relationships from what i have seen. They need to read the literature and step back and think about what they are doing and get a grip on what works and why. Don't you think they would ad it to the Big Book or NA basic text if it really was as important as some of these radical sponsors think it is? Right? don't you think it would be in at least one of the many books?

I am not confused at all. I know exactly what I'm talking about.

Which of my thoughts are not Big Book?
Last edited by coffeewithmetoday on Wed Jun 15, 2011 6:56 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Postby Dallas » Wed Jun 15, 2011 6:53 am

You may want to read the guidelines "yes, rules" :lol: that we go by here here in the forum. It's that big list of stuff, that the page, when you register for the forum, asks you to read and agree to. I thing that would help in removing some of the "topic confusion" that we're referring to.
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Hi Dallas

Postby coffeewithmetoday » Wed Jun 15, 2011 7:00 am

Dallas,

I don't see your rules accept here http://www.step12.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=19

what rule have i broken?
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