Girlfriend distant now that I'm sober

A discussion of topics about relationships in Recovery
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Girlfriend distant now that I'm sober

Postby timebomb72 » Wed Jun 15, 2011 8:09 pm

First post here. I have been sober about 42 days now. I was in the program before. I was able to pick up with my old sponsor and get working on the steps very quickly.

My girlfriend and I have been together for about 2 years now. She is a normie. I met her when I was sober. Then relapsed for about a year. After a disaster of a European vacation in which I was drunk she said she could no longer be around me when I was drinking. I finally was able to see the writing on the wall and was able to get myself to some meetings and finally sober up. She has been pretty distant ever since. I was able to work through the steps, I have done my 9th step with her and continue to work 10 and 11 every day.

What I really want to know is how are people dealing with difficult relationship issues. I feel lonely and sad when she does not validate me or our relationship. Through working 10 and 11 I have really begun to understand that if I am resentful at her, then Its really about fear or self seeking in me. I have been praying to my higher power for intuition in thought and action.

I guess my question some point my hope is that we will be close again. That our relationship will feel like it used to. At what point do I say "this relationship has to change"? It does not feel loving or close. we see each other a few times a week. I'm afraid to bring up anything for conversation because when I do she says that she cant handle the "drama" I feel like tossing out the whole relationship. I don't feel like I can trust my instincts though. I know being 42 days sober I cant always judge situations correctly.

So I guess I'm not quite sure what to do. Continue to be with her, keeping "drama" out of he relationship but feeling distant and unloved, or toss the whole thing out...I know that both are pretty black and white thinking. Wish I could see the middle somewhere.

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Postby Dallas » Thu Jun 16, 2011 6:09 am

I can share what I would do if it were me -- which is based on my own experience of being a screw-up in relationships. A few times. :lol:

If I were 42 days sober and had just been through the Steps, after being sober for a while & then drinking again, and I was unable to validate myself, and my emotions were sending me into tailspins and I was having problems in the relationship with my girlfriend, I would:

1. Go back to the BB. Start on the front cover, and work myself through the 12 Steps again all the way up to page 102. That's the first thing I'd do.

The reason is: knowing what I know now, about sobriety & the 12 Steps and emotional sobriety -- I could see that I missed out on some pretty big chunks of work.

It's possible to be taking the Steps w/ our head -- with a preconceived motive of something like "I've got to get through this to get back what I screwed up" -- and totally miss out on the real objective of the 12 Steps -- which is to produce a Spiritual Awakening (a transformation, of our thoughts, attitudes and personality, to a sufficient degree, that it will allow us to live day by day, through fair weather & fowl, comfortable -- and feeling that everything is alright -- and happy, and joyous -- one day at a time -- while sober).

At this stage of the game -- knowing what I know about sobriety -- if I even had one drink, let alone a blowout bash on a vacation -- and thought that everything would be "ain't it grand the wind has stop blowing" attitude with "ma" :lol: I'd still be pretty insane. :lol:

At 42 days, I'd still be on some pretty shaky ground as to "will I drink again before this day is over?" And, if ANYTHING was more important to me than seeing to re-establish & maintain my SOBRIETY... I'd probably be setting myself up for a quick relapse again.

Your girlfriend is probably still in shock & awe of you getting drunk. It turned out (for her) that you weren't as stable as she had been hoping for. Confidence & trust has been lost -- and you've got to be able to see this in your 4th Step -- not the 10th Step -- that you caused this situation.

I wouldn't be surprised at all if in the back of her head she has some real questions and doubts about you and your ability to maintain. Think about it. If sobriety was your #1 deal while you were with her, and you're telling her how important she is to you and how much you love her -- and then you go get drunk on vacation -- if she is a normie, and she has some sanity, she's still probably wondering "can I even trust this guy?"

You screwed up. Now you have to pay the piano player. And, for the mess you caused. That isn't going to be done w/ a 42 days sober "look at me go now" attitude -- where you ASKED her to forgive you.

People are more interested in whether they can trust us -- more than they are interested in our pleads of forgiveness.

Maybe -- you'll need to be sober for two or three years again -- with no drama -- before she feels really safe with you -- like it used to be.

That's what I'd do. SOBRIETY FIRST for two or three years -- without wondering about ME ME ME and what it's like for ME because of how she is.

Know what I mean? As alkies -- we have a tendency to be that way. Re-read from page 58 -- up to, right after the a,b,c's ... where it starts talking about the 3rd Step. Continue reading there, and see if you relate and identify -- with what's written from pg 60 up to "next we launched into a course of vigorous action." See if you can find yourself in there.

Best wishes to you!!!

Dallas B.

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Postby timebomb72 » Thu Jun 16, 2011 5:50 pm

Thanks all good advice!

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