- "firing" your Sponsor

"firing" your Sponsor

A discussion of topics related to relationships in recovery and treatment

"firing" your Sponsor

Postby Kaw08h » Mon Jun 20, 2011 2:57 pm

I have about 4 months sobriety and have had the same sponsor this whole time. However the last about month and a half my sponsor has been impossible to get a hold of and we have met once in the past month and a half for step work. I know she has a life and is only human, however she just recently got into a new relationship and it seems I have been placed pretty low on the priory list. When I finally did talk to her she told me a number of different excuses as to why she has not been around. I had hoped we would work things out, how ever the past week now she has been very passive aggressive and almost mean to me by announcing issues I have in front of people, and telling me things I need to do and work on ... ( when she has no idea what has been going on with me! ) This has been very upsetting to me and I feel I have lost respect for her because of how she has been treating me. I dont know what to do, I think I need to get a new sponsor, but I dont know what to tell her or how to deal with this situation. I am really struggling! Help!
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Postby Dallas » Mon Jun 20, 2011 6:04 pm

Get a new sponsor or go without one. Having the one you have now would be no worse than not having one. What to tell the new sponsor, if you pick one? Just tell the truth like it is. That's all. No big deal. Don't let it rock your boat too much. You'll hear a lot about how important a sponsor is, and some will even tell you that a bad sponsor is better than no sponsor. I seriously disagree with them.

Fact is: good sponsors are rare and they are hard to find. Hopefully, this experience that you're going through -- will reinforce to you -- just how much good sponsors are needed -- and you can become one! And, hopefully, after you become one -- you'll be able to sponsor many women like yourself -- and teach them good sponsorship, that they can pass on to those that they will sponsor.

Hang in there and don't let this upset you too much. Keep coming back here and we'll try our best to help you all that we can.

Best wishes to you and for you!

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Postby norohs » Tue Jun 21, 2011 12:53 pm

I 'fired' (I don't like that word) my sponsor after 6 weeks into AA. We talked over the phone, but I wanted to get started on the steps. 5 appointments were made and broken on their behalf. Also I came to understand that he was OK doing things that bothered me (personal, legal, etc.).

Moving to a new sponsor was the best thing I could have done for myself. I haven't looked back since.

He and I are still good friends and he's been very helpful with a kick in the pants when my current sponsor gives me a pass. 8)
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Postby PK12 » Mon Dec 19, 2011 5:18 am

"Fired" that really is a cold shot considering they aren't paid. Life happens and sometimes sponsers get spread a little bit too thin trying to help too many people. Kinda like letting your heart write checks your body doesnt have time to cash.
I don't know if this is the case but there isn't anything wrong with picking up a second sponser in the meantime, allowing your present sponser some time to get settled into her new relationship. Obviously you liked her or you wouldn't be upset about her not having time for you. And don't take this wrong, please.

There are one of three things I do when I'm faced with a situation I'm not happy with.
1. Find acceptance in leaving it the way it is.......".God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change....
2. Do something positive to make it acceptable to me........the courage to change the things I can.....
3. Remove myself from the situation without creating more problems or wreckage.......and the wisdom to know the difference".

1. Isn't an option because you need a sponser.
3. Wouldn't work for the same reason.
Since this is "time" were talking about and not something serious...Myself, I would feel much better knowing I was able to cut my sponser a little slack.
2. Always feels better to me, and I don't pick up a resentment or say something I regret later, then have to make an amends for just so I can feel good again.
Nip it in the butt with a little wisdom and love and you get to keep a friend.
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Postby Dallas » Mon Dec 19, 2011 5:23 am

Thanks for sharing!
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Postby PK12 » Mon Dec 19, 2011 8:01 am

Removed by OP. accidentally duplicated during an edit.
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Postby Valkyrie » Wed Jan 04, 2012 8:51 am

Pray about it.
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Postby aamariseb » Fri Jan 13, 2012 2:22 am

Sometimes if I am unable to contact my sponsor, I am forced to rely on my higher power and start making my own decisions.

Generally I make an appt with my sponsor if I have relevant issues, this teaches me boundaries and commitment to my sobriety. She too was a busy lady, sometimes I felt unloved, lonely and then again self centred. And thats ok too. But dont sit there too long.

Sometimes I attend one meeting a week with my sponsor, she can generally determine how I am through my sharing or we catch up at that meeting.

The above applied during the early days in sobriety. As a sponsor, sometimes I am really mentally unwell but I let my sponsee know I am unwell.

Ask god for help, pray about it. Well done for your honestly.
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Re: "firing" your Sponsor

Postby Toast » Fri Apr 20, 2012 3:46 pm

Very,very important topic.

The people pleaser in me wouldn't let me part company with my 1st sponsor. He was a really nice guy and talk a lot of sense about stuff like philosophy and things like that but i was screaming out for recovery via the AA programme and he just didn't have it. Although it took me a few years to finally figure that out i still didnt want to let him down by moving onto someone else, even though my life was still on a knife edge, nuts or what?

When i kept asking him about going through the steps he just avoided the issue.

I know realise he was just lonely and enjoyed taking newcomers on board to fill his life a little and improve his AA credentials amongst his like-minded friends. No harm in that i suppose but my alcoholism was killing me without drinking and i really needed more than he could offer. It was like asking for a dollars worth of soberiety from a guy who only had 50 cents.

Here we call people like that ' 1st Step Sponsors'. Good at taking you to plenty meetings and telling you all about the 1st drink but sooner or later we're going to have to move on from that and that means finding someone who has really ' walked the recovery walk' and not someone who has a great AA resume listing all the intergroup jobs they've done but not gone through the AA programme as prescribed. I also think its very important to find a sponsor who is living a life you would aspire too. If you pick a grumpy old grouch then its more than likely he'll be the only new person you have in your sober life because his grumpy nature will chase everyone else away!

My next sponsor was the exact opposite, a good man but a fire and brimstone big book preacher who had some positively medieval ideas about god and women. Eventually he had to go as well, well it was either him or my wife!

The sponsor I’ve had for the last ten years is 2 years younger than me, he came into AA 2 years after me but when I’m in his family home and see how he operates with his wife and kids he has what i wanted from life all along.


PS. A good test of a good sponsor is to mention my 2 previous sponsors names in front of my wife, she's starts spitting blood about the insane years i wasted in AA waiting on them showing me the way!
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Re: "firing" your Sponsor

Postby Toast » Sat Apr 21, 2012 12:17 pm

Thanks Keith,

Glad to see your getting over your recent trials.

Sometimes i think we alcoholics just lack the courage to break old habits.

Its been said that ' once you become a creature of habit you cease to exist.'

I've found that to be oh so true in my past life.

Be well
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