Welcome to the site Kevin. I understand the feeling. I woke up on a morning in December 1985 and felt the same way. I didn't really believe in my inner most self that I was an alcoholic. I thought I had maybe just slipped from being crazy to going insane.... and that something I couldn't put my finger on had happened to me. It was a sense of impending doom in the past tense.
I went to AA and stayed sober for almost 5 1/2 months... figuring that if I stayed sober for six months it would prove I wasn't alcoholic. I was totally determined to stay sober for at least two more weeks -- and on a Thursday afternoon, after having gone to an AA meeting the night before, and having gone to at least three meetings a day before that -- I discovered, that unaware to me -- I was already drinking again!
I spent the next 5 months trying to control it -- because it seemed like no matter how many AA meetings I went to -- I couldn't get to one sober. I'd leave my house sober to go to a meeting 15 minutes from where I lived -- and I'd be drunk by the time I got to the meeting.
What I discovered from all that was:
a. I was really alcoholic -- for real.
b. Not even all the people in AA would be able to keep me sober.
c. I had to find something -- that was greater than my power and all the power in AA to help me.
d. I had no faith and no belief that AA or God could, or would help me.
I became willing to follow someone elses directions, instead of my own, and I began to take some actions -- that I didn't believe would help me.
I continued taking those actions and I still continue to follow someone elses directions, as needed, and I continue to check-in with them, so that they can check me out and see if I'm doing ok or if it's just a figment of my imagination that I'm doing ok.
And, the date of my last drink (or drug) has been November 14th. 1986 -- I haven't had one (or two or more) since then.
There is help for you if you're willing to do more than to pray and find God.
There is a lot of actions and more actions that I had to take. But, today, I can honestly say: I'm living the Good Life. Happy, joyous, and free and comfortable -- while sober.
We here to help if you want it.