To Sponsor Or Not To Sponsor

[ob606]

need suggestions...have 28 years sobriety. A good friend 30 yrs sober has asked me to sponsor her 21 yr old daughter. Problem lots of pills on board. Mom takes loads of meds and believes theres a pill for everything. Daughter is following Mom...pills for sleep, add, depression you name it. Daughter keeps relasping....I say maybe too many pills. Well I am not a doctor right. Daughter relaspes regularly...I say maybe too many pills. Daughter crashes car...barely escapes before it blows up. Finally ends up in treatment. I say get off the pills while you are in there. Finally Mom agrees and daughter agrees. Treatment is only 30 days. They get her off most but not all of pills. Still on a few. Mom and Dad go to pick up daughter...stay overnight and take daughter out for day before discharge. Bring along her treatment romance that has been forbidden by staff (in secret). Both parents in recovery..but go along with sneeking the guy along for minature golf and lunch. Then gush to me on the phone about how wonderful he is. I say I have a problem with this..no relationships 1 year especially rehab relationship...no dishonesty...no pills. Well Mom says I should stay out of this part thats not what a sponsor does...I should help her with big book steps only. I am soooo uncomfortable...want OUT but not sure how...small community....how to gently let her find a more appropriate sponsor...help please...

[Dallas]

Personally -- I wouldn't sponsor her, because sponsoring her -- I'd have to also sponsor her mom & dad -- and I don't do families.

It would be tough enough sponsoring her -- but w/ the parents interfering -- how are you going to handle that? I'd be too tough on her and on her parents -- so, I wouldn't get involved in it.

I'm guessing your alcoholic, and she's alcoholic and pill-head, too. It also sounds like she may have doctor problems or health problems -- and she knows which docs to see to get the pills she wants. So, then, you're in the middle of the doc, the parents, and her.

It get's real sticky because it could also get legal -- because you can't give her medical advice or suggestions -- that's against the law. Plus, we don't "give medical advice".

I know what my sponsor would say, -- if she were to ask him to sponsor her -- (he's in his 80's, over 50 yrs sober, and yes, he sponsors women, too) regardless if she was man or woman -- he would tell her "I don't sponsor anyone on pills. I don't have any experience w/ that, and I'm not about to give you medical advice. You'll need to find someone else to sponsor you, that has experience w/ the pills."

What would I do or say? I'd say the same thing that my sponsor would say...

I have had some experience sponsoring some -- who were on meds. However, I didn't have to worry about family interference, and in the end, it worked out okay while it lasted. (The sponsor relationship).

I don't know if that helps you at all or not. I hope so. I certainly do not envy your position. If it were me... I would say no.

btw: have you talked w/ your sponsor about it?

Best wishes, and if I can be of help, let me know.

Also -- welcome to the forum! And, thank you for your participation!

Dallas

[ob606]

hello..yes thanks for the response. I have always found sponsorship challenging. Emotionally hard to detach. Seems like it should be easier but I put huge expectations on my self. Spoke with a woman I highly respect and who has extensive experience with sponsorship. She happens to also personally know all the players in my situation. I explained I want out of the situation but do not want to lose my friendship or hurt the daughter with a rejection right out of treatment. She suggests taking daughter to meeting then out for coffee and explaining the difficulty of my being able to be a good sponsor being so close to family...not really appropriate. Should be someone her parents don't know very well...make it harder to complicate things. What a relief. I happen to google this subject for the heck of it and found this board what a great idea. Anonymously getting some feedback in the ever challenging dealing with others stuff.

[ob606]

Hello yes thanks for response...I have experienced similar. Including suffering with a son with addiction. The most difficult thing to manage ever. The challenge of my life to be so powerless over my childs suffering. I have spoken about it a bit at meetings no one ever shuts me down. I will tell you I celebrate my anniversary at a huge meeting on Fridays nights. On my 26th I spoke about working with my sponsor on another 4th and my fear that I could not endure my son ending up in jail because of the stupid things he was doing drinking and drugging. He had very high risk behaviour and was getting picked up regularly. On my 27th my son was locked up for 2 months for probation violation. I spoke about walked through the pain, panick and my worst fear. On my 28th I spoke about asking my son to come to my anniversary to give me my medallion. He had achieved some sobriety for the first time ever. I did no see him in the room and assumed he did not show up. Apparently he came in late and at the end appeared at the podium to give me my medalion. The room exploxed with cheers and tears. My son looked like a deer in head lights had no idea what was going on. It was one of the best moments of my life...better that his birth. My face hurt from smiling so much. When he sat down he sat with my ex husband...his father and said Dad did Mom say anything about me?
Anyway long story but our groups have relaxed about the drug thing over the years. So many of the newer population struggle with both.

[ob606]

So what I originally wanted to post before I got side tracked was that I woke up in the middle of the night and realized I need to do some writing about this issue. I think there is a reoccuring pattern or theme to this relationship dance that I feel caught in. I need to find my part in this for sure...I actually think this problem is me in that I do struggle with all types of relationships....can't get to a comfortable place with my boundries etc. so that I can communicate freely and honestly if that makes any sense.

[Dallas]

One of the problems that I have in relationships -- that I haven't cured, it is better and I work on it, is: I tend to blame myself when something goes wrong. ALWAYS thinking "it HAS to be MY fault!"

I grew up in a family where blame -- was the name of the game. If my parents wanted to get me to do something -- as a motivator and as a tool -- they'd use blame & guilt -- figuring, if they made me or my siblings feel guilty enough about something -- we'd do as they desired us to do.

The result was: I grew up always blaming myself for stuff and forcing myself to feel guilty for stuff -- to try and become a better person and to achieve my goals in life.

Then end results were: I ended up not liking myself. And, from there, I ended up hating myself.

I didn't realize it and I didn't know it until I came into AA and had been sober for probably a year or more. I would have fought tooth & nail w/ anyone that would have said to me "you don't like yourself and much of the damage you've done in your life is a result of self-hate." I was dating a young psychologist, when I was a few months sober -- that suggested the idea to me -- and that was the last date w/ her!!! She challenged my belief. You see, in AA, I had gotten a mixed up message that "My problem is myself and I love myself too much!" So, I believed that message without checking it out! And, the message was wrong.

Self-hate. How could I have a successful, healthy relationship w/ others -- if I didn't like myself?

When people don't like themselves -- they end up doing things to sabotage themselves and their relationships -- so that they can do what comes normal, and that is: to fail and to feel guilty about it.

I like to remember the saying "It's NOT all -- about me."

What I've learned is: that I cannot have a healthy relationship w/ others -- UNTIL I can have a healthy relationship w/ myself. To have a healthy relationship w/ others requires -- that I feel good about myself and that I like myself.

If I like myself -- I'm going to do things that are good for myself and avoid doing things that are bad for myself. Some relationships -- are not good for me. So, I stay out of them. It's not my job to be God, and to be able to fix everything -- about me, or fix everything w/ others. It's not my job to hand on a cross for someone. Someone else -- has already done that.

[Camel]

ob606,

Good stuff from Dallas and Keith. The lady you spoke to had sound advice, too. Don't be too hard on yourself. We can't be all things to all people. It's difficult to work with those that are familiar with us, whatever the ties may be. Sobriety is about being happy, joyous, and free. Not uncomfortable. Someone in our Fellowship can help that person, if they want help. Release them with love, and find someone to pick up where you left off.

Hub

[Dallas]

Thank you, Hub! You explained that very well!

[Pebbles]

Very good topic here. Thanks everyone!