Thank you. I really needed to hear that. Life was never something to enjoy. Life was, and the most of the times, still is something to endure. Please don't get me wrong. I am eternally grateful that I am not drinking. Hoping always hoping...
I had the second moment of clarity recently. I clearly saw the conditions of my life after the devastation. The last four years, I was the farmer who came out of the cellar. 'Aint it grand!'. I had stayed sober only by going to tons of meetings. I had hidden myself in the cellar, in the rooms of AA. My farm is not going to recover itself, nor God is not going to do it for me if I stay in the cellar. Meanwhile, the destruction progressed even further.
A dry horse thief, that was me. Yes, I could steal the better horses, but new found conscience was grinding. Self justification bloomed every where. Pain was again the only remedy to change my course of action. Utter failure, both finance and romance. Up until I changed the little actions in my life, doing dishes, calling my wife, doing laundries, honestly trying to be a worker among workers, calling my sponsor for no reason, watering my garden, I was in misery. That bewilderment promise all came true, and I fell into depression, sober and going 18 meetings per week, holding a service position, having 5 sponsees.
I know I am gona be ok, despite of my slow progress and despite of self, since others went before me felt the same way. The program works. Through it all, the thought of dring never returned! I was miserable and depressed, but not drinking. Hell of existence!
It is incremental change, but if I don't take that drink, this too shall pass. Yes, if I work it. Thank you. His grace is too generous for this alcoholic.