My heart goes out to you. I wasn't sober when my father died, and I know how much emotional suffering it was to go through it drunk. But, at two years sober, and then at five years sober -- I went through heart-breaking break-ups. And, I definitely understand the pain and confusion that comes with that!
As I read through what you're doing to get through it, it looks pretty much the same as what I did. But, for God's grace, through the loving hands of some AA's -- I don't think I could have survived it. We are most often highly-sensitive types -- that feel the good and the bad -- in triple magnitude.
I cried a lot. Sometimes, the pain was so terrific that I experienced sober black-outs. I spent a lot of time in Catholic churches, where they never locked the doors -- crying and trying to stay alive -- to get from one members house, to another, or from one meeting to another. I couldn't eat. I lost so much weight in so little time -- that just recently, while looking in the mirror, observing my waist I thought "You know? Maybe it's time for another relationship and break-up!"
My experience? I did get through it -- and got through it sober. Yes. It hurt like hell -- but with God's help, through the hands of AA's, I didn't drink over it. I didn't kill myself over it. (Obviously?
) And, with all that I learned going through it ... Maybe, I could survive it again if I went through it again.
Also, I did eventually heal. I got through it. It passed. And, I got better as a result of it. I learned a lot about relationships, emotions, hurt and pain, and how to get through the pain -- and, what I think helped me most was: I became willing to help others, who were going through the same thing. It makes for excellent sponsor training, too!
What I did was to continually think "If I can get through this -- I'll have something to share with others -- who are going through this, too."
My best wishes and highest regards,
Dallas
