Hello my fellowship friends. I believe it might be past 12 am December 12, 2011. Computer time is wrong... phone went dead. To much into my computer and this website to get my lazy buns up and look. So, if it is I am gratefully celebrating my 90 days today. I have not given too much thought about "days sober" this time and it seems to be working for me. However, I am grateful to God, the fellowship, Bill W. and Dr. Bob, my family and especially my sponsor for this 90 days. I definitely did more than 90 and 90 and plan to keep it that way. Meeting makers really do make it. I am reminded of the nature of my disease and this evergrowing solution this program has laid out for us.
So, I have been having a hard time with my son ever since I could remember. I remember when he was a baby, he would just cry all night long, I remember feeling so frustrated and so helpless that I could not comfort him. I always blamed myself for being a bad mother. A mother should be able to comfort her child? Right?!
Fear of not giving enough love of him feeling like I have against my mother.
Today I see a pattern of this and he is 16 years old. It is a tough thing to come to realization that I can not fix these emotions that are going on in his head. I see so much negativity and discontent in him. No matter what I do I can not please him. Ofcourse I have talked to a few trusted positive 12 step people whom I trust that they practice these Big Book principles in all our affairs, but would greatly appreciate some more input on it. I have been implementing their suggestions, and it works. I guess the hardest part I am dealing with is.... I am such a bad mom. Will he be okay in a couple of years? Is his behavior all my doing? How can I help him to "feel" better? I have started some counseling for him and the person is only able to see him once in a while through school. '
Without writing my usual book I will trust as I believe many of you know exactly where I am without details. I do know I created this many years and it will take more than 90 days to fix, and I can't change him. It is just hard to be praying, pausing, positive when he is constantly in my face with this negative, self-centered and frustrated ways. And most of all it hurts my heart to the core to see him this way... so angry.
Thanks for reading and I look forward to your experience, strength and hope.
Gonna get some sleep now. TTYL