Thank you, to each of you who make this forum.
For me, looking back -- I can see how God was in my life before I was "conscious" (aware) of Him being in my Life. He has always been with me, during the good and the bad, during the times I loved Him, or was angry with Him, when I acknowledged Him, or when I denied Him. He was ALWAYS there for me and He was doing things for me that I couldn't do for myself. And, He always loved me and cared about me -- regardless of how bad I did. That's what brings a tear to my eye when I think of it and think of all the times that He was there for me and I either didn't know it, or I denied it. God is Love. And, God is Life. I can't have Life -- without having God.
One day, while I was meditating on Step 11, it hit me like a ton of bricks. "Sought to improve -- my CONSCIOUS contact, with God..." Then, I looked at Step 12, and put it together... "having had a spiritual AWAKENING..." I awoke to the reality of God. I became aware of how much my Life is God, and always has been God.
Sought to "improve my CONSCIOUS contact WITH God..." Not OF God, but WITH God.
I spent a bunch of my Life thinking OF God, and TRYING to UNDERSTAND Him and to know about Him -- and, as I look back, I see now, that this was part of what was blocking me from thinking WITH God.
I began to see that THROUGH the 12 Steps, I was learning how to life my Life WITH God. To accept the fact that He IS the Great Reality. I was learning how to Practice the PRESENCE of God -- in living Life. And, it led me to understand that He has ALWAYS been Present with me -- the only problem was, that I was not Present WITH Him.
Then, I thought of something else. In regards to "I
saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help in
those strange mental blank spots" ~pg 42, Big Book... I began to see that "will power and GOD-knowledge would not help" either.
Then, it clicked... "GOD-knowledge is NOT the same as Knowing God." To KNOW God, I must live WITH God and not just think about God.
And, now, when I focus my awareness and understanding on the Reality -- "God IS WITH me... what can be against me?" God is WITH ME... so, this thing that I might have been looking at as a problem... is no longer a problem, because God is WITH me.
And, God Loves me. God cares about me. God is taking care of me... my job is to LET Him.