A discussion of topics related to relationships in recovery and treatment
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Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2011 6:24 pm


Postby moxiegirl » Tue Dec 27, 2011 2:45 pm

I have been dating someone for nearly a year now. I knew he was an alcoholic and I fell in love with him for all of the other wonderful qualities he possessed. I connected with him in a way that I have never connected with another person and we fell in love very quickly. I have always respected him and have had enough life experience to understand that his alcoholism was his disease and that he was powerless over the disease. I never pressured him to quit drinking but loved him and was supportive of him.

We had the kind of relationship where I felt like I could talk to him about anything. We communicate extremely well. I have had some very unhealthy relationships in the past and valued our open communication and understanding of one another. I truly feel like there is a reason we entered one another's lives.

A little over two months ago he decided to go into detox and began working the AA recovery. I am fully supportive of his decision and began going to Al-Anon meetings to work on my own recovery as well. I want to be as healthy as I can for myself as well as to be the best person in my life to give to this relationship and all of the other relationships in my life. I have not yet found a sponsor but have been working through the steps and read everything I can regarding recovery from addiction, codependency, and any other areas that I have identified as things I can improve myself as a person.

I am struggling with one area in particular at the moment and would appreciate any feedback or advice someone can give. My partner was very loving and affectionate when he was drinking. I know that he has a huge capacity to love and to give. Lately, as he has been dealing with his own issues and working through recovery....there has been a breakdown in that area of our lives. He has become a little more affectionate over the last couple of months but not to the extent that he once was. We have not been intimate since the day he went into detox. While I understand in my head and I feel in my heart that he is working on himself, I struggle with missing the kissing, the affection, and the rest of the relationship that we once enjoyed. He has not been in a relationship in his life without alcohol so this is like starting all over for him. In some ways, I have enjoyed his recovery and discovering the wonderful things about him in sobriety and feel as if I continue to fall in love with him over and over again. At other times, I am concerned that he is no longer attracted to me and that can be a struggle with me in the area of self-esteem. I miss that part of our lives and am not quite sure how to get it back or if it is something that will just require patience. He is worth the wait, in my opinion, but I would appreciate any advice someone that has would be willing to share. I am reading everything I can find on relationships and recovery...again, that is the way I work through learn all I can and find what works in my life and applies to my situation.

Thank you.

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Postby Dallas » Tue Dec 27, 2011 5:54 pm

Continue to be understanding. Patient. Try to understand that he is going through some major changes inside as he works to make those changes happen. I'm guess-timating... but I'll bet that you'll be very happy in the long run by being patient.

Imagine being w/ someone and they went into a hospital to have brain surgery and we were shocked at what they were like after leaving the hospital. :wink: Recovery is much the same way.... the difference is... people can't see our stitches! But, after we begin to heal -- they will definitely notice our recovery!

For me, recovery has been one of the most difficult things and difficult challenges that I've faced in my life. I know, that it's that way, too -- for many others.

Fear, anxiety, and thoughts of "what will tomorrow bring?" will keep us in everlasting bondage and it's so powerful, that it will begin to manifest the things that we fear most.

You may want to re-visit the "Fear" section of Step 4 on it... and have your fear removed. And, also "trust" that your Higher Power WILL take care of you always.

Best wishes for you and for your boyfriend.


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Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2011 6:24 pm

Postby moxiegirl » Tue Dec 27, 2011 7:23 pm

Thank you, Dallas!

I appreciate your words, your analogy, and your sharing your experience. I can't begin to understand it from his perspective but I am doing everything I can to learn about recovery and to truly be there and listen to him when he shares his struggles along the way.

I have just recently started working on Step 4.

Thank you again!

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