I feel your pain, my friend.
I chose to stay in a dead, loveless marriage. He was a drug addict, but I didn't know it back then, since we all did drugs at that time. We had two children. I was determined to give them a good life & I thought I couldn't do it on my salary. I wanted the children to be with their father. I was afraid to change. But I was such a good actress and tried so hard, that just recently my daughter told me she never knew we weren't a happy family.
Yet, immeasurable damage was done to myself and my children. They acted out in bizarre and tragic ways . They knew
something was wrong. Their little souls could feel the tension and fear and lies. And I was crazy.
I, myself, lived in a fantasy world. And when reality would come crashing all my dreams, I'd be in despair. When I found the bottle, it was the answer to all my problems.
By the grace of God I got sober and found the strength and courage to end the marriage. My sponsor at the time was concerned that I filed for divorce at 6 mos sober, but I knew I would drink again if I stayed.
Today my children say I should have divorced him long ago. We make our choices and have to live with them.
I no longer fool myself about having the "perfect relationship". But there are many good relationships where I can love and laugh and unite deeply.
I always think about this passage in the 12 & 12 that blew me away when I read it: "The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being. "
They are talking about ME!
TOTAL INABILITY! Can it be true?
I strive every day to overcome this.
No advice. Just my story. God bless you & your family.