Midlife and Recovery

Discussions related to 12 Step Recovery and Treatment
Then, and only then
Posts: 50
Joined: Wed Mar 02, 2011 10:33 pm

Midlife and Recovery

Postby Then, and only then » Thu Dec 22, 2011 10:51 pm

I just turned 46, 3 years and 9 month sober, male, a banker, has 6 year old son, still married, going on 22 years, financially ok under this weather, healthy, lots of time, many interests in life, believe there is more to life, restless, mal-contended, irritable at home, doing about 14 meetings a week, trying to stay away from home, do not enjoy wife's company, not with her for years or anyone else, got a sponsor and host of close friends in AA.

Last couple of months, I realized there are women in AA.

I see a storm on the horizon. Help. This can not be good. My keen alcoholic mind will change one addiction to another. I will chase after my instincts and burning desires, thinking true romance and complete security. Understanding and intimacy, I long for so long. I am beginning to think I deserve those things since I am sober for some time now.

Knowing full well, no human power can fill this hole and loneliness I was given. Yet I want the lies. There is no such thing as one drink nor one lies for this alcoholic. Yet, temptation so strong, and the man is too big.

All the emotional wreckages and resentments still linger. My selfish mind whispers to start a new. Everyone does it. Look at all new relationships you got since you are sober. How wonderful they are. It is impossible to repair your marriage. It was not that good to begin with. Why don't you find someone in the rooms, who can understand you better? Why don't you start on a clean slate instead of holding on to the God size task? You are not getting any younger, this might be the last exit before that acceptance crap. Let that stupid MD in page 416 do his thing, and you start a new. Live and let live!

You are not responsible for her life. You did your part even through your drinking years. Why don't you let go. You are miserable with her. You might drink again if you stay. Lay off on all those meeting, do 4 per week like others, and get a life! Find someone in her late 30s in the rooms, similar interests, go to meetings together, share the same friends and scars, form a true partnership, you know one that you never had. You can do this since you are not drinking.

Shame and guilt of the past will be gone with her. Do this before too late. You do not want to become those angry and rigid old timers in the rooms, do you? They tried to swallow that acceptance pill, and did not work. They got nothing better to do.

What about my son?

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Joined: Wed Sep 10, 2008 12:03 pm

Postby sunlight » Tue Dec 27, 2011 8:33 pm

I feel your pain, my friend.

I chose to stay in a dead, loveless marriage. He was a drug addict, but I didn't know it back then, since we all did drugs at that time. We had two children. I was determined to give them a good life & I thought I couldn't do it on my salary. I wanted the children to be with their father. I was afraid to change. But I was such a good actress and tried so hard, that just recently my daughter told me she never knew we weren't a happy family.

Yet, immeasurable damage was done to myself and my children. They acted out in bizarre and tragic ways . They knew something was wrong. Their little souls could feel the tension and fear and lies. And I was crazy.

I, myself, lived in a fantasy world. And when reality would come crashing all my dreams, I'd be in despair. When I found the bottle, it was the answer to all my problems.

By the grace of God I got sober and found the strength and courage to end the marriage. My sponsor at the time was concerned that I filed for divorce at 6 mos sober, but I knew I would drink again if I stayed.

Today my children say I should have divorced him long ago. We make our choices and have to live with them.

I no longer fool myself about having the "perfect relationship". But there are many good relationships where I can love and laugh and unite deeply.

I always think about this passage in the 12 & 12 that blew me away when I read it: "The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being. "

They are talking about ME! :shock: TOTAL INABILITY! Can it be true?

I strive every day to overcome this.

No advice. Just my story. God bless you & your family.

Then, and only then
Posts: 50
Joined: Wed Mar 02, 2011 10:33 pm

Postby Then, and only then » Wed Dec 28, 2011 6:20 am

Thank you, my friend. Goidelic to hear from you. I knew I can always count on sunshine. (-:

Yes, 100%. The total inability to form true partnership. Driven by 100 forms of fear, I can only think of myself, I strive for true romance, complete approval and utter security. It is ok at 14, but impossible way of living at 45 or 55, as Bill sees it. It titled under 'to grow up'. My favorite page on that book.

I don't play well with others. When I am disturbed, I take my ball and go home. The emotional hole I got or given can never be filled with human power. Not mine, not other drunks, not my wife, not my lover. The self knowledge availed us nothing. It only hurts worse.

Courage to change and wisdom to know the difference. My God is always too slow, and I am a big chicken. I am sure it will be shown. All I am asking Him is to pick up some speed. Either way, the Thy will be done, never mine. He does it anyways.

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Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2011 2:41 pm

Postby Camel » Wed Dec 28, 2011 1:38 pm

To quote Melvin Van-Peebles, "God don't answer everytime I call, but He always shows up on time."

As my Sponsor always tells me when I tell him what's wrong in my little world, "Look in the mirror, my friend, and you will be looking at the problem."


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Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2010 12:50 pm

Postby Toast » Mon Jan 02, 2012 12:46 pm

If the best answer i could come up with to sort out the wreckage of my past life would be to go round meetings and find someone as sick as me to set up home with would be further proof that i was still mentally ill and had still not grasped the full extent of Step 2. :?

For me and me alone it would be the height of selfishness and self centredness to have a partner and children unselfishly wait years on me returning to some sort of sane living only to abandon them for someone who couldn't lace my wifes boots once i quit drinking. 8)

And i know this to be true because i done it 11 years ago, although the woman wasnt in the rooms she was about as 'normal' as a guy like me who was aiming for CEO of AA PLC at the time. And she was a lot younger which inflated my enlarged ego even further. But it damaged my family more sober than i ever done drinking. They say pain always finds its way home and the pain i caused for that one almost destroyed me. Fortunately my wife was forgiving enough to take me back once i was restored to sanity. :?

Many marriages do break up in soberiety but leaving home for someone in the rooms who ' really understands me' is no different from running off with the local barmaid. :lol:

Was told a long time ago that if i'm looking for a partner in AA the odd's are good but the goods are odd, so be careful! :)

Then, and only then
Posts: 50
Joined: Wed Mar 02, 2011 10:33 pm

Postby Then, and only then » Thu Jan 05, 2012 3:13 am

What I want for the rest of my life

For the most of us, we are better off living alone. I do not want much. I want to be able to want to come home. I want a little old house with giant oak trees and a half acre lot. Alone. I will meet my obligations, spend a day in a week with my son, work a lot, go to 2-3 meetings a day, write, draw, whittle, sail, read and walk.

I don't want to be irritable in this sobriety, as she points out. I do not know what to do at home. Nor where to stay in this 5,000 sq ft. I still sleep on the couch most of the nights. I have 2 other king size beds and a guest house. I do not want to sleep in the master bedroom, I can not sleep in the guest house, what would my son think? So I have been sleeping on the couch. I have developed chronic neck pain, which I enjoy very much.

Somedays, ok most of the days, I want 'the woman who understands'. I did not have courage? to get one yet. I see couples in my home group, some married. They do not seem particularly content. This 'inability to form true partnership with another human being' take it's toll always.

I see many of us have married multiple times. Doing the same thing expecting different results, 'it wont burn me this time, here's how'. Good luck or good God.

I am waiting on 'wisdom'. If it was not AA, my marriage was done some time ago. I don't and can't see my reality. I don't know what I got until I loose. I know my thinking is not right and my feeling is not real. I would like to persevere.

I heard in the meeting last night this; if it is God's will, the situation will arise and the solution will present itself. Meanwhile, I sleep on the couch. I slept on much worse places while I was in 'my cup'.

Many have changed. My thought and actions about money, fear of people, what I wish in my life, gained interests in others, I can handle most of the situations I used to run. Better? Absolutely. Content? No.

What works in my life might not work on your life. We are defiant people. The reason I do not make any suggestions to others is that it is pointless. it is not I do not know the answer, but I can not. 'Lack of power', once again, is my dilemma. This insecurity I got, added with my understanding of the alcoholic malady makes it impossible to make a decision. I do not wish to make more wreckages.

I heard in the rooms, children did not have a choice, but adults stayed in their own will. That is a little hard to swallow. The book describe the wife as, 'the woman who went to hell for you'. That is also hard to swallow.

I don't know how we digest the retaliations we got from our spouses while we drank. She left me many, many times. She hit me, put me in jail. Love and tolerance is our code. Many 4th and 5th I took, many baggages I still carry.

Are we there yet?

Posts: 471
Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2010 12:50 pm

Postby Toast » Thu Jan 05, 2012 1:19 pm

Well put and at the end of the day only we can live our lives, no one else can do that for us.

Just finished a call with a sponsee, he's a well paid oil-man who split from his wife and 2 kids 6 months ago and moved into an apartment on his own. Now he tells me both he and his wife have learned lots from their separation and now he's moving back into the family home. 8)

So i guess what i'm trying to say is it takes all sorts and the end result is always in Gods hands. :D

Best of luck either way my friend. :lol:

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