Higher Power

[johnson74]

What did you consider your higher power when you first began AA. I am currently using AA meetings it self as mine. I was told by others who have had longer soberity a spiritual higher power will come in time. Do you feel this way?

[Dallas]

Welcome to the forum! And, thanks for sharing. I would agree with what the others have said to you -- in regards to the spiritual Higher Power.

I used the 12 Steps as my Higher Power. I had already tried using the Fellowship and meetings as a Higher Power but that didn't work out for me for longer than about 5 1/2 months -- and then I ended up drunk again and couldn't get sober.

On the day that I got sober -- I prayed. My prayer was basically "God, I don't know if you're there or not. If you are there I hope you don't get ticked off at me and angry at me for praying to you. I don't know if there is one God or a hundred Gods out there -- and if you're out there somewhere -- I'm trying to connect w/ the God or Higher Power or whatever it is that helps those drunks in AA to stay sober." I went on to say that I was willing to go to ANY LENGTHS to stay sober -- even if staying sober killed me.

Sobriety for me -- in the beginning was so painful, that I was convinced, that sobriety would kill me faster than drinking would kill me.

"God" was a real confusing subject for me. I did believe in other Higher Powers in the Universe... like Microwave, Radiowave, electricity, gravity, etc. Powers -- which I couldn't see, but I could see and measure their presence.

It seemed like one minute I'd believe in God and the next minute I'd be doubting it. I bought books and stuff to read and listen to from all kinds of religious disciplines -- and they only made me more confused and more doubtful.

I did pray "God, if you're really there I'm willing to believe. But, I'm not sure if I believe or not. And, I think that if you're really there -- that you're not going to help me anyway."

I heard an AA say something once that stuck with me. It was "I don't give a crap what you believe or disbelieve... I only care about what you do." (In regards to taking actions). That AA is my current sponsor but he wasn't my sponsor when I first heard him say it.

So, I used what he said, as some direction for myself. It didn't matter what I believed or didn't believe -- just take the actions of TAKING the 12 Steps.

Initially -- that's just what I did. I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of the 12 Steps. I took the Steps and they worked. I became a believer in God after I saw what happened to me as a results of taking the Steps.

Over the years -- what I believe now is: Yes. There is a God. But, that's all I know about God... other than God is Loving, Love, Good, and Life. To me, those all mean the same thing. Can I understand Life? I don't understand it -- but I live it -- one heart beat at a time.

The most understandable idea that I've heard is: "Yes. There is a God. And, it's not me!"

I hope that I didn't give a too-long of an answer to your question. Today, I have no doubts at all that there is a God. And, today -- I still don't know any more than that.

Dallas

[cue]

Can only echo what Dallas says.
When I first began in AA I had so many ideas about a hp that it really depended on what day of the week it was and what mood I was in. Talk about change
What I really wanted to believe was that there was something with infinite power, infinite love and infinite forgiveness out there which wanted the very best for me, but I was so afraid that I would lose if I chased that concept and was let down. People let me down, meetings let me down, I let myself down. What I needed was something bigger that cared for me when these things happened. The steps gave me the hp I needed.

[Toast]

Hi Johnson,

For me it was when I got ‘ inner witness’ of things that couldn’t be explained otherwise I realised that there actually was a God of my understanding working on my behalf and the God Squad at meetings weren't just saying it parrot fashion to impress gullible newcomers like me.

Many times I’ve had things happen in my life I just can’t explain. For instance my younger brother Martin died of a heart attack a few years back and I also have an AA buddy called Martin who I’ve never seen for a long, long time. A few months back I was down at brother Martin’s grave when I leaned over the gravestone to give it a kiss, as I always do after I’ve given him a telling off for dying so young, he was 44, well respected and definitely not one of us. Just then the cell phone in my pocket went, someone had sent me a text? I straightened up and opened my jacket to pull out my phone and the name ‘Martin’ appeared on the screen? I then read the text and it said ‘long time no see, hope alls well, God bless and regards to the family’. Suddenly the hairs on the back of my neck stood to attention as I looked around the graveyard as though I was being watched? I then showed it to my wife standing next to me and right then my other brother Michael and his wife appeared with flowers for Martins grave. I then showed it too him and he couldn’t believe it either.

That’s only one small example of unexplained happenings that have occurred throughout my sobriety that I can’t explain other than it was an act of providence carried out by a power greater than me.

And if you still don’t believe there is a power greater than us in the universe do what old King Canute done and go down and sit on the beach and tell the tide not to come in. You’ll soon find your feet are soaking wet and you’ll have to move your chair back a bit to make way for Gods will! Hopefully this will also demonstrate that there are certain forces we personally have no control over whatsoever, our addiction to booze being one of them!

[Dallas]

Thanks for sharing that experience. It reminded me back to my first few months sober -- when I was having similar experiences. I had been keeping a journal of "unexpected experiences" and I began to see a pattern. Leaving me asking the question: "Is that odd -- or is it God?" There were three specific experiences that I had w/ a car that kept not starting -- as I was making a cross country trip. Come to find out that if the car had started -- I would have been in the middle of an accident, up the road from me, that happened very near the time that I would have been driving through the spot -- if the car had started. The accidents were serious enough that I probably wouldn't be here to write this tonight. Many, many other incidents too -- that were way to strange to explain away.

[Toast]

Another time i was called to a conference at my employer’s head office, which was in an old historic city a few hundred miles from where i live. It transpires the 'conference' was a scam and we were called together to be told about massive job cuts of which I’d be one of them.

Everyone was raging and went to the nearest bar to get raging drunk; being in AA this was something i couldn’t do, not that i wanted too.

So i set off on my own back to my hotel, kicking an empty can along the street as i went. Suddenly a figure appeared at the far end of the deserted street that looked vaguely familiar? As i got closer i recognised it was old AA Jim from my local area who was down in the same city on holiday having a look and some old castles and cathedrals! I couldn’t believe my eye's, and neither could he, hundreds of miles from home, almost back at the 'jumping off place' sober and the only human being i clasp eye's on is a friend from my home town AA?

Forgetting the pleasantries i immediately spilled my guts to Jim about what had happened to ' poor me.' Jim managed to put some AA perspective on the situation and i left him, as i always do, much relieved and a lot more upbeat!

Love,light,laughter

[Dallas]

I'm really loving reading these experiences!

[Dallas]

It was great to read your story Keith. Thanks for sharing