Welcome to the forum! And, thanks for sharing. I would agree with what the others have said to you -- in regards to the spiritual Higher Power.
I used the 12 Steps as my Higher Power. I had already tried using the Fellowship and meetings as a Higher Power but that didn't work out for me for longer than about 5 1/2 months -- and then I ended up drunk again and couldn't get sober.
On the day that I got sober -- I prayed. My prayer was basically "God, I don't know if you're there or not. If you are there I hope you don't get ticked off at me and angry at me for praying to you. I don't know if there is one God or a hundred Gods out there -- and if you're out there somewhere -- I'm trying to connect w/ the God or Higher Power or whatever it is that helps those drunks in AA to stay sober." I went on to say that I was willing to go to ANY LENGTHS to stay sober -- even if staying sober killed me.
Sobriety for me -- in the beginning was so painful, that I was convinced, that sobriety would kill me faster than drinking would kill me.
"God" was a real confusing subject for me. I did believe in other Higher Powers in the Universe... like Microwave, Radiowave, electricity, gravity, etc. Powers -- which I couldn't see, but I could see and measure their presence.
It seemed like one minute I'd believe in God and the next minute I'd be doubting it. I bought books and stuff to read and listen to from all kinds of religious disciplines -- and they only made me more confused and more doubtful.
I did pray "God, if you're really there I'm willing to believe. But, I'm not sure if I believe or not. And, I think that if you're really there -- that you're not going to help me anyway."
I heard an AA say something once that stuck with me. It was "I don't give a crap what you believe or disbelieve... I only care about what you do." (In regards to taking actions). That AA is my current sponsor but he wasn't my sponsor when I first heard him say it.
So, I used what he said, as some direction for myself. It didn't matter what I believed or didn't believe -- just take the actions of TAKING the 12 Steps.
Initially -- that's just what I did. I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of the 12 Steps. I took the Steps and they worked. I became a believer in God after I saw what happened to me as a results of taking the Steps.
Over the years -- what I believe now is: Yes. There is a God. But, that's all I know about God... other than God is Loving, Love, Good, and Life. To me, those all mean the same thing. Can I understand Life? I don't understand it -- but I live it -- one heart beat at a time.
The most understandable idea that I've heard is: "Yes. There is a God. And, it's not me!"
I hope that I didn't give a too-long of an answer to your question. Today, I have no doubts at all that there is a God. And, today -- I still don't know any more than that.