Welcome to the site Jo
Yes. I definitely relate and identify w/ you.
When I was newly sober -- to be sober was the hardest thing I ever did.
I yelled, screamed, kicked, hit, purposely drove my truck into someone elses car, drove on a sidewalk trying to run someone over and ripped handfuls of hair out of my head -- in between meetings.
I was a pretty sick and angry puppy. And, I could go on and on with that list above. But, I'll save the space.
If I remember correctly -- for me, it took me almost six months sober to to start getting out of that stage.
Being sober would have probably killed me or landed me in prison. Yep. It was that bad.
Here's what I didn't know: The purpose of "taking" the 12 Steps -- is to get us over that. I didn't know -- that I could take the 12 Steps right away. I was listening to people tell me "don't go too fast with the steps." They didn't know what they were talking about. And, I nearly died -- from being sober.
I was way beyond "drinking for pleasure" -- I drank to survive. I drank so that I could live inside of me -- and the world -- at the same time. I drank to cope. I drank so that I wouldn't yell and scream at people. I was a much nicer person -- after a few drinks. But, I couldn't stop at a few. And, if I didn't pass out soon enough -- I'd start to get angry drunk.
There is a solution. It's the 12 Steps.