Please: I need some insight on ABF's "family week"

[flyingleap123]

I need some advice about what family week is like for SO's. BTW, I am sober 18 days and am attending AA meetings daily so we are starting our recovery at the same time, just in different places/ways. I also plan to attend Al-Anon meetings.

My ABF (living together for 2.5 years) is on Day 12 of treatment at a dual diagnosis facility for Anxiety, PTSD, depression, ALCOHOL. We speak every evening and his parents and I have been planning to attend "family week" in about 10 days. This facility has been focusing on his inner child and issues he has/had with his parents 9age 3-17) that led to his drinking and addictive tendencies.

Last night during separate conversations he told his parents and then me that he didn't want us to come because he had heard horror stories from others that are going through it this week. When I suggested this was a part of the process of recovery and he should probably experience it and try to learn from it he agreed.

Then he shifted and said he didn't want ME to have to hear all the confrontation between he and his parents about childhood issues and that he may not be truly open with parents if I am there. He promised that is "the real reason" and there is no other motivation for thinking I shouldn't attend. He DOES want me to visit him on a regular visiting day even if I don't come the whole week.

I understand he is scared that wounds may be re-opened and I that will be there to see him at a very vulnerable time. I guess I feel that I will be the one living with him every day and I also need to learn more steps we can take when he comes home to continue our paths to recovery.

He is also under the impression his parents will witness any/all therapy sessions between he and I that will most likely dredge up the MANY issues we of pain we caused each other during our really bad times and/or breakups.

Does this sound like a normal family week? Should it be just for Parents? If he doesn't allow any family will it hinder his recovery and possibly his relationship with parents and/or me?

I know its his decision and will understand (with your help) if he chooses not to have me there.

All shared experience will be greatly appreciated!

[dimples12562]

Hey there FlyingLeap!! Really glad to hear about the 18 days!! Good work!! Keep comin back!! I also admire your willingness to be there for your SO at his time of need! Not an easy road! I don't have ANY ESH on this particular issue but I will ask you to consider a couple of things.

Do you have a Sponsor? A good Sponsor is invaluable for helping us work through these tough issues. My Spons tells me that when it comes to the heavy stuff I should be taking it FIRST to my HP (Higher Power) and then to her. This really helps me to make the right decision (not always the decision I WANT to make but that's the goal right? left to my decisions I am a miserable creature )

Sounds like you have assured and reassured your SO that there will be no judgment from you if you are there, soooo.... having done/said/shared that with him, if he still doesn't want you there, respect (read: ACCEPT) his wishes, WITHOUT retribution. Things will come out between you when they are suppose to come out, we can't force things!! This time may not be the time for that but it will come and you have to let it come on its own terms. Prayer...

Focus on YOUR recovery FIRST!! If you don't go that week make that a week to hit a LOT of meetings, try different ones and IF you don't have a Sponsor, LOOK for one! Seek one out!! Go to a meeting and raise your hand and ask for one!! Take this issue to the rooms and ask for guidance (IF you don't already have a Sponsor). If you get no feed back from that meeting, do it again at a different meeting!

If you have a HP, nows the time to Pray. Ask your HP to guide you in the right direction and LISTEN. Ask your HP to send you to the right meetings that you might find another woman in recovery that will help you!!

Before every meeting I try to say a quick, quiet Prayer, "God, please let me hear what You want me to me hear and if I speak let me say what You want me to say"

Please let me know how this goes for you, I care and I'm here!!

~P

[Dallas]

Good suggestions Paula.

@flying... at first, I had difficulty understanding what you meant by family week, etc., until I understood that your friend is in a treatment facility.

My two suggestions would be:

1. Whatever your friend suggests to you at this time -- just honor his request and go along with it.

2. If there is something that you're not sure about, ask your friend, if he would mind if someone at the treatment center would explain it to you.

It helps to remember -- that he's in a structured facility to get help. They will have ways and methods to their modality of treatment -- that we may not understand and that we may or may not agree with. However, while your friend is under their care -- let them call the shots, and just be supportive of whatever they suggest. They have reasons -- based upon their long history and experience -- on how best to treat their clients.

Let the person and the person's counselor call the shots and just be supportive of what they decide. Their intentions are for the highest good of the patient. And they've been trained in a certain way, to be professional in their approach, and to make their decisions for the highest good of the person in treatment.

I hope that helps

Dallas