Thank you, for your courage and your honesty. I appreciate you and I appreciate your sharing.
The first requirement for AA is: you've got to fail, to qualify.
Most of the alkies that I get help are the constant & habitual slippers. I don't get the easy ones. So, I do understand where you're coming from.
My sponsor failed at AA for the first 10 years of his trying AA. They used to literally -- physically throw him out.
Last November, I celebrated with him, for his 53rd consecutive year sober. He's now in his 80's and he's the most active AA I've ever known or seen. He sponsors tons of men and women, works his full-time day job, built the largest AA meeting in the world -- and flys over 150,000 miles each year, all over the states and the world, carrying the message of AA's hope & recovery.
So, use him as an example -- of what a habitual slipper can do when they do get this deal. The only time there is a loser in the game of sobriety is: the one's that give up trying.
Start looking at your past as your greatest asset. You know, first hand, more of what doesn't work than many AA's will ever know. And, that fact alone -- once you figure out what does work -- will qualify you to help hundreds and possibly even thousands of alcoholics -- that even the other alkies can't understand. You've been there. You've tried most all of it.
Keep coming back. Start thinking of all the one's that you can help, once you figure out what you've got to do. You'll be able to help them like no one else can.
For me, I believe that's the "Big Secret" to this entire deal. It's one alcoholic attempting to help another alcoholic -- and while they're trying to help the other alcoholic -- it keeps them sober. Read the first paragraph of Chapter 7, Working with others. That's the key to physical sobriety.
You don't have to wait to start doing that. You can appoint yourself as the "greeter" greeting & shaking hands & welcoming people to the meetings. You can clean off tables and stack chairs and help clean up after meetings. You can get there early and help set up the meeting. You can wash coffee pots, learn to make coffee, and do all kinds of stuff like that -- which HAS to be done by someone! And, it's something that helps everyone -- newcomers & oldtimers alike.
If you have a Central Office, go there and tell them that I suggested that you go there and volunteer to do something. Tell them that if you're not sober long enough to answer the phones -- you at least want to listen and learn how to answer the phones so that you'll be ready when they do let you.
Find some oldtimers that make 12th Step calls and ask them if you can go with them on 12 Step calls.
And, start reading the Big Book, and stick with that book alone. No other books or literature until you master the Big Book. Start on the front cover and read up to page 103 -- skipping NO PAGES, THEN, read it again. And, begin to do the things you're reading in the book.
Two more things that will help is:
1. Start everyday with a "To-Do List" have at least 5 things on this list that you are sure you can accomplish. Keep it real simple. You can even make #1 Brush your teeth. #2 Make your bed. then, you've only got three more to do!
This will start immediately helping you to feel better about yourself.
2. Go out and ANONYMOUSLY do 5 good things for someone, and don't let them find out that you did it. Little simple things. If you need ideas for this let me know.
You CAN do this! At first you'll have to force yourself to do it. These are the little things that will help you get past 15 days.
And, check back here, at least once each day.
Instead of looking at things like "success" and "failure" start looking at things as "results." No judgement calls on the results. You don't need to call them good results or bad results -- just results.
People used to ask Edison, inventor of the light bulb and many other inventions "How did you keep going after failing 10,000 times to create a light bulb?" Edison is reported to have said "I didn't fail once -- I succeeded in discovering 9,999 ways to NOT create a light bulb!"
Attitude & Perception.
Keep coming back!