- Sponsee "borrowing" money from AA'ers

Sponsee "borrowing" money from AA'ers




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Sponsee "borrowing" money from AA'ers

Postby Pandora3561 » Mon Mar 12, 2012 8:23 am

My sponsee asked me to sponsor her after she spent 4 months in prison. She jumped into the program with both feet. She kept her appointments with me, went to meetings and she did the step work. We were up to amends, when she asked me for $200 to pay her phone bill promising to pay me back. Boy did my sponsor scold me! Within 2 months, I realized she'd hit up about 4 of my fellow AA'ers who I introduced her to for money, some for larger amounts, all of whom gave willingly since she's destitute and seemed to throw herself into the program. Her church also gave her lots of money. She asked for money for rent. Well I just found out that the state pays parolees' rent for a period of time so that was BS. Although this lying isn't directly related to the steps, in my opinion it doesn't demonstrate rigorous honesty in all her affairs. Plus it's twisting me up and I worry about it constantly. I let her go although I do feel sorry for her. My sponsor said if others want to give her money that's their business. I disagree and can't work with her if she's lying. What do you think? I gently let her know I knew about all the money she's taking (her church and now the AA'er have cut her off by the way--not because of anything I've said), and she never contacted me again.
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Postby Dallas » Mon Mar 12, 2012 10:55 am

What do you think?


I think it's your money. If you're going to give it to a mooch or go to a casino and gamble it away -- that's your business.

The moocher & the casino have the same objective: to part you from your money. The moocher plays on your emotions while the casino provides an escape from your emotions while you play.

When you're out of money -- the moocher moves on to the next source.

The casino never runs out of money -- because some sucker will always be seeking to escape their emotions -- and be willing to pay the price.

My suggestion is: In whatever you decide to do -- try to have fun with it. "We are sure -- that God want's us to be happy, joyous and free."
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AA'er borrowing money

Postby Pandora3561 » Tue Mar 13, 2012 10:01 am

I never thought of it that way. It is kind of funny. It's up to us to learn the lessons our Higher Power wants us to learn. If a flaming red head is able to scam so many intelligent "winners", more power to her. I guess there are lots of uses for the telephone lists. I for one learned a powerful lesson. I won't be loaning any more money to sponsees no matter how desperate they seem. Should I have "fired" her or confronted her? That is the question that has bugged me. I "fired" her. (I hate saying it that way.) I just stopped believing a word she was saying.
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Sponsoring

Postby 2CENTZ » Tue Mar 13, 2012 11:46 am

I too am struggling with how to help the alcoholic who still suffers. She seems to be unable to let go of old playmates. Each time she comes in contact with someone who still drinks or uses, she ends up using as well. She then will plead with me not to fire her. She keeps repeating that she wants what I have. She has done much of what I ask of her; going to meetings and working the steps. I continue to sponsor her based on the tradition that the only requirement is that we have the desire to stay sober.
She has a history of mental illness and is under a doctors care. I struggle with wanting to help her but am getting fed up with her bad choices. She calls me after the fact or lies about it then confesses later.
Am I helping her if I continue to sponsor her or am I enabling her to think she is working a program?
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Postby Dallas » Tue Mar 13, 2012 12:37 pm

Have you thoroughly read Chapter 7, "Working with others" in the Big Book? And, then re-read it two more times for good measure?

Chapter 7 is the Basic Manual on Sponsorship. I can't even remember the last time that I had a question about working with others or sponsorship -- that I didn't find the answer in Chapter 7. (Big Book).
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Chapter 7

Postby 2CENTZ » Wed Mar 14, 2012 5:10 pm

Yes I have read Chapter 7. Maybe I need to keep re-reading it. I do realize no one can really answer the question for me, whether to sponsor someone or not. Like everything else, I learn from the journey. I know it is true, “the answers will come if our house is in orderâ€
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Postby Dallas » Wed Mar 14, 2012 6:18 pm

So true. Not one of us can tell another one of us -- what to do. (Unless it's my sponsor telling me what to do). :wink:

We share our experience.

I've loaned money. And, I've given money.

I never loan money anymore. Once in a while if I feel a situation really warrants -- I will give money. Or, I'll buy them clothes for a job interview or give them bus money to look for a job. Or, I'll pay for their coffee and a meal if we are out talking about their recovery.

My experience has been that it harms them more than helps them to give or loan them money. So, rather than dish out money to them -- I'll find something they can do to earn the money.

I've had mooches and other AA's that were borrowing money from other AA's -- ask me to sponsor them. In ALL cases I say no -- and that I won't even consider it until they have paid back all the money that they have borrowed from other AA's.
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Old playmates and lying

Postby Pandora3561 » Thu Mar 15, 2012 8:35 am

2 centz: I had the exact same scenario. I can only tell you my experience. I got so fed up with my sponsees refusal to change her playmates and playgrounds and her lying, that I was building a resentment and she threatened my emotional sobriety. I had to let her go even though she begged me to stay with her. I've since learned that the rigorous honesty the BB talks about is something that is very important to me and I let my sponsees know it at the beginning of our relationship. That doesn't mean they don't get a pass once or twice if they are really trying, but if I get to the point where I'm all twisted which usually happens by the second or third time, I let them go. I hope this helps.
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Re: AA'er borrowing money

Postby Camel » Tue Mar 20, 2012 9:49 am

Pandora3561 wrote:I never thought of it that way. It is kind of funny. It's up to us to learn the lessons our Higher Power wants us to learn. If a flaming red head is able to scam so many intelligent "winners", more power to her. I guess there are lots of uses for the telephone lists. I for one learned a powerful lesson. I won't be loaning any more money to sponsees no matter how desperate they seem. Should I have "fired" her or confronted her? That is the question that has bugged me. I "fired" her. (I hate saying it that way.) I just stopped believing a word she was saying.


Never say never, Pandora. We all live and learn. I borrowed money from my Sponsor, and I paid it back. I have since loaned money to AA members. Some paid it back, some haven't. I will still loan money, if my heart tells me to, but I don't just hand over cash anymore. I must know what it's for. If it's to keep the power on, give me the bill and I will pay it. If it's for rent, let's go see your Landlord. I try to teach them something about accountability, as my Sponsor did me. You'll never go wrong helping people. If they mistake our kindness for weakness, the fault lies with them. You can never cheat an honest man.

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Re: Sponsee "borrowing" money from AA'ers

Postby Dallas » Tue Mar 20, 2012 2:10 pm

That's a good reminder Hub. Thanks for sharing.
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