- Marriage has gone downhill since my sobriety

Marriage has gone downhill since my sobriety




A discussion of topics related to relationships in recovery and treatment

Marriage has gone downhill since my sobriety

Postby ketsch5 » Sat Apr 09, 2011 3:09 am

:evil: Marriage has gone downhill since my sobriety. Married for 27 years and sober for 2. Seems she has found other interests and they aren't me. I have AA and my sobriety, but she is driving me nuts.

I pray a lot, but seems God has his own agenda and time table. She has said and done some things that have really hurt me since I sobered up. Maybe I was so gone that I was oblivious to it all, but now I feel the pain deeply.

This is even impacted my work negatively as I am stressed out all the time. Feel better during my AA meetings & while doing service work, but it comes right back again afterwards.

Any advice?
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Postby Dallas » Sat Apr 09, 2011 5:43 pm

I'd suggest: Read, the Chapter To Wives, and The Family Afterward in the Big Book... and also, pgs 58-64, and then let's discuss it here.

27 years is a long time to be w/ someone -- or even "to do something." I would imagine -- that during that 27 years, there was something good enough -- that caused you to "keep going back."

What you're experiencing, especially with how long you've been sober... seems to be similar to what many of us have gone through in sobriety, especially at two years sober. We seem to go through identifiable stages in and phases in our recovery.

I'd also suggest that you might want to spend a little time alone, in reflection, back to the time that you made the decision to get married. What was it like back then? What were you like? What was she like? What was it -- like?

Over time & experiences -- people change. They stop doing the things that they were doing -- when they were having particularly special experiences in their lives. They got away from doing certain little things -- that later turned into big things. Then, they forget about "what it was like" and "what happened" that made "now" like it is right now. And, it just might be -- that going back to doing some of those little things that they used to do -- can put some magic back into what they are doing now.

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Postby Then, and only then » Sun Oct 23, 2011 10:02 pm

I am 45 years old, with her for 22 and sober 3. If you are anything like me, an Alk of hopeless variety, we are probably on the same phase as Dallas put it. I do believe in phases in recovery, and I do believe I am never an exception.

I feel your pain, my friend, so let me show you my extent of Rigorous Honesty. If there is a word describe my marriage, that would be 'bitter'. After my first blue chip, after we tucked in out 3 years old son, on every Tuesday, I read To The Wives to my wife. We held hands and prayed together. I printed and taped Love and Tolerance is our code on my bathroom mirror. We started our lunch date without our son on Wednesdays. What came out of my efforts? Hurt. I put massive amount of salt on our open cut. It cut deeper sober.

I gave up, and consider separation last winter. My sponsor strongly suggested not to. He told me I would not go back to her, and he have never seen any drunks going back after separation. I went as far as having tenant move out of our condo. A week before my move out date, one of us at my home group poured his heart out about his alcoholic son. He said, only if he
stayed in his marriage, his son would have better chance not going to the max security prison and got shanked. I did not think his reasoning was aligned with the program, but it was from his heart. I chickened out and stayed.

No intimacy, no companionship but walls and resentments. A long overdrawn account. That is the way I see it. My wife told me she is happy I am not drinking and content with her life. We are in the same marriage, one if us is in hell, sober hell, and the other is content with her lot. She is just happy I am not drinking and financially stable.

I can only do my 4th and 5th every other week. I will write more, my friend. Gotta go.
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Postby Then, and only then » Sun Oct 23, 2011 10:28 pm

I am back. What you mentioned about meeting, you feel good during but not after? I am right there with you for the last 1 year. As soon as I come home, it's gone.

My sponsor went thru the same thing. He found other women in the rooms, his wife divorced him, love vanished quickly. Then he told me, he had chased other women over and over again. 23 year sober, alcoholic son, live alone, going to a dozen meetings weekly. Is that the life we got left with?

Can we handle relationship? Should I accept or surmount the courage to change? Do I have choice in this? I began to doubt the blessings of keeping my marriage through drinking.

One thing though, no matter what, no matter what. We do not drink. This too shall pass, and time takes time. May He be with you, my friend.
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Postby Dallas » Mon Oct 24, 2011 1:03 pm

Thank you for sharing. You are very appreciated.
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Re: Marriage has gone downhill since my sobriety

Postby SereneJH4life » Tue May 22, 2012 12:42 pm

This is an old thread... but, it caught my attention so I deceided to post...
I am new to this forum and have recentley completed my 90/90...I love going to meetings but im glad to be done with the 90 in 90...I have 2 children and meetings everynight was disruptive to their schedules....which my husband had no problem reminding me off by midweek. He is supportive of my decision to get involved with the fellowship and is REALLY happy I am sober...

Anyway, meetings are where I feel most at home these days...when I get home, especially if my husband is home, itall goes back to the same old thing....if its just me and the kids, the good feeling stays with me up until I say my nighttime prayer and go to sleep.

he is like Kriptonite!! I love him very much though. At the end of my drinking, we were on the verge of divorce....we "were done" with eachother....
Allt he things I am learning to "let go" of ...he is still hanging on to and letting him tourment him....or rather the ability to "let go" that I am learning...I wish he could learn..I ask God to touch his heart everytime I pray....

I hopoe that we are able to make it through...if that is Gods will.....only time will tell...right?
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Re: Marriage has gone downhill since my sobriety

Postby Toast » Tue May 22, 2012 3:58 pm

Page 83 of the BBook tells us;

' Yes there is a long period of reconstruction ahead. We must take the lead.'

After my wife had recieved nothing but drunken beligerance for the last few years of our marriage she had no reason to expect anything different after i came to AA.

It was up to me to show her the difference. I was told not to tell people how your going to change or what your going to do just do it!

And the fact we're still together after almost 32 years is a testament to her perseverance not mine.

Be well.
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Re: Marriage has gone downhill since my sobriety

Postby Dallas » Tue May 22, 2012 4:06 pm

Awesome sharing! Thank you John, and Jen.
Wow! 32 years! That's amazing!
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Re: Marriage has gone downhill since my sobriety

Postby SereneJH4life » Thu May 24, 2012 11:37 am

I fell asleep last night while reading- "the family afterward" YIKES!!!!

I dont remember the exact words but it said something like..`sometimes the spouse of the alcoholic will expect the alky to makeup for all the things they messed up at while drinking` for example....while I was drinking I pretty much felt bothered by having to do: the kids homework, the housework, being effectionate to my husband...I yelled and cursed at everyone daily.....now I am trying to use my new found spiritualness to better all these things. ..but I still need some help from him, I can not do it alone ...we are a team and should do it together....I feel like he is saying ..."oh now you want to be the brady bunch, well im going to give you a hard time because you gave me a hard time for years"

BTW-one of my reasons for drinking was because he didnt help with all of these things in the first place....I know he is not the reason I drank, I am the only one to BLAME..my point is that the issue was there before I drank, while i drank, and still is now....I believe HE USED MY DRINKING AS HIS EXCUSE..and now he is using my recovery as an excuse.....
Am i starting to sound insane again?

anyway, how/when does one know if the relationship is God will?
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Re: Marriage has gone downhill since my sobriety

Postby Dallas » Thu May 24, 2012 1:41 pm

My suggestion for you is: Relax and take it easy.
We can't make up for everything in one day and most often can't do it in one year. :-)

Keep your recovery & sobriety #1 in your life -- and everything else will work it's way out.
You'll know when it's time to do something more or less.

The problem w/ your husband is a common one. I've heard it from many others.
Usually -- after some time & effort on both parts -- it will work out.

It would be great if your husband attended Al-Anon.
Unfortunately, it might be a bad idea if you suggested it to him.
It would be kind of like it was when he may have been suggesting that you stop drinking.
And, there are ways to make the suggestion -- without him knowing that you're planting the seeds
of suggestions. Example: Leaving some Al-Anon literature laying around the house -- that you
left laying around "because you got it for you to read." ;-) He will want to know what you're reading -- so he'll probably pick it up and read it -- when he thinks you won't see him reading it.
If he knows that you know he's reading it -- he probably won't read it.

When we're cleaning house -- it's best to start in a small corner.
Do what we can in that corner -- and eventually work out from that corner.

I hope that helps.

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