relationships in early recovery

[Dallas]

On the flip side -- I must be one of those rare alcoholics -- that picks the most challenging relationship that I can find, one that is sure to end in disaster and defeat -- unless I can only manage it better. Thus, proving that I'm the King of the Castle -- who has ALL Power to fix ALL things. LOL.

[Toast]

Yup I’ve had a few of those relationships.

How’s this for a chat up line:

‘ Excuse me can I turn your perpetual drama into my latest crisis? You see my life is going so well right now I have the terrible feeling that soon someone, somewhere will go out their way to screw it up big style so it may as well be me because I’ve lots of experience in that sort of thing plus due to working my programme I haven’t had that feeling of impending doom for quite some time now and I find it hard to live without it but I’m pretty sure if I hook up with you I’ll soon be back on familiar territory. So what do you reckon?'

Love,light,laughter!

[Dallas]

LOL.

A line that was passed on to me was:
"Hello! My name is Dallas!
My life is unmanageable and I'd just love to share it with you!"

That's the honesty line.

What it used to be like was:

"Excuse me. I can see that your life is totally unmanageable.
You're full of crisis and drama!
Poor, dear, girl!
Come w/ me -- the Knight on the White Horse!
The King That Has Been Sent To Save The Hurting Damsels of the World!
I can fix you, save you, turn you around, make your life wonderful --
remove all you pain!
Show you what a Life Worth Living really is!

But... it's only temporary.
Don't get used to having me around
Because as soon as you get too attached to me --
it's time for me to leave!"

The reply would be:
"Oh! Don't worry! I won't get attached to you!"

Then, they would be like a fat hungry tick on a Lazy Dog! LOL.

NO. I don't do that anymore.

I got lucky coming up on my first year sober.
I enrolled in one of the first college classes that they were teaching in California --
for Doctors, and to formally train Addiction Counselors.

I didn't want to be a Counselor -- and I wasn't qualified to be a real doctor
(just a back-alley doc & pharmacist)
I was simply trying to find out how to stay sober --
and I was terribly afraid that AA was not going to work for me.

I had one of the greatest Professor's that I could have gotten lucky enough to get.
This guy was a real genius at Human Behavior!

He passed on some tools to the classmates -- that explained "why" we pick sick relationships
and how it happens at a totally unconscious level.

He said that once we learned this -- we could be free -- of picking sick mates!
And, for those that were in the Mental Healthcare field -- they could use it on
their patients and clients.

Sure enough -- his tools worked!

I only screwed up twice after learning them.

Dallas

[Toast]

Good post.

I had to stop finding soul mates at the Taxi stand at 4 in the morning. You know the ones with their shoes in their hands and the mascara running down their face, big lumps of hair falling out their head. Yep stand back fair maiden, John the emotional junkie is here, just tell me who done this to you and i'll fix em!

Sure i've met that woman at a few meetings i've been too?

Love,light,laughter!

[Dallas]

Yep. They seem to let anyone in to those meetings, aye? LOL.
On my last couple of trips out to Los Angeles, I've been meeting a few
newcomer men -- that I used to drink with and get in fights with. LOL.
But, the women from before sobriety -- it's been so long since I've seen
one of them show up in a meeting -- that I can't remember when the last one
was.

On Facebook I've met up w/ some of the non-alcoholic women of my past, who knew me before sobriety,
and some that knew me when I was getting sober. I get those friend requests w/ notes of "Remember me?"
Of course I remember them! I only forget men.

Perhaps, it's because the non-alcoholic women, or the alcoholic women that got sober -- are living much longer than the one's who didn't.

What is interesting to me, is: the majority of the women that I met in AA, back when I was a newcomer -- are still sober, and I've connected w/ a few of them on FB. So, if any ladies are reading this... my experience has been: If you get sober, go to AA & stay sober -- chances are real good, that you'll live longer, be happier, and look younger -- each year that you're sober! (Yes. That seems to happen to the men, too!) LOL

[Toast]

They do say AA does more for women than Max Factor!

And its true.

And when i think back i must have been a real catch at my first meeting, wearing my wifes raincoat as i'd left all my jackets in bars that i had to leave in a hurry! Fortunately the sleeves only came half way up to my elbow, not all the way. A fashion disaster like that would have crushed a sensitive soul like me!

Nice shade of sky blue it was though with bright white buttons the size of dinner plates, 'shabby chic' i think they call it?

Love,light,laughter!

[Toast]

Hi,

When i come to think on it now i'm in recovery i have better relationships with every human being i meet. I can't remember the last time i had a problem with or was in competition with anyone i know?

I even manage to cut resentments off at the pass, for instance if i help a colleague with a task they're struggling with often they think they can try it on and pass even more of their workload my way. But i just don't buy into it and get on with what i've been tasked to do and do it as well as i can.

I never thought ' fake it to make it' included pretending to be deaf when someone is trying to stitch me up!

Love,light,laughter!

[Dallas]

Thanks for sharing! Great message John. And, as usual -- very timely for me.

I have way more days, like you mentioned above, as time has gone on, and I've continued to use the 12 Steps to continue the transformation that started in sobriety.

I think it's made me less argue-able. I don't go looking for fights.
I'm more at peace and I try to go to any lengths to give the other guys a break.
I've become less demanding.
Maybe, I've become less irritable to others -- most of the time.
I make friends more quickly.

I guess I've become more tolerable -- and people can tolerate me more easily -- most of the time.

Yep. I'm still a work in progress.

I know I'm not perfect -- but I'm beginning to like the person that I'm becoming.
It sure beats "what I was like"

Dallas

[warmbrus]

The big book says nothing spacifically about a time period with regards to getting in a relationship. In fact when it talks about sex on pg. 68-70 it says, "We do not want to be the arbiter of anyones sex conduct." (BB p.69) With that being said it also says that we need to evaluate past relationships, try to see where we had been selfish, or self-seeking. It asks us to look at where our conduct had harmed others and look at where we unjustifiably aroused jealousy. After I did this, my sponser suggested that I create a mold for my ideal relationship and write that down. Remember that in our disease our relationships were primarially hostage situations. This is a part of our 4th step. When we get through this step and have done a thurough house-cleaning we may or may not be ready to be in a relationship, it really depends where the individual is in his or her recovery. The bottom line is that we want to make sure that our conduct does not continue to harm others. If it does "we are quite sure to drink. We are not theorizing. These are facts of our experience".. (BB P. 70)

[Toast]

Very insightful post Warmbrus, keep it up.

In many relationships its the alcoholic that's the hostage, for every alcoholic there's someone who need's one.