Abandoned for AA!??

A discussion of topics about relationships in Recovery
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Jun 06, 2012 8:56 pm

Abandoned for AA!??

Postby angelindefeat » Tue Jun 12, 2012 2:41 am

What is the general rule for people who are in a good relationship (thought it might only have been for a few months) but the time we spent together was only good, no damage by the addiction! And I am a completely clean/sober person by nature, have been my whole life! My boyfriend only said that I was a good influence ( made him want to be better) and that I was motivating for him. Then he decided to go into AA and was advised by his sponsor to cease all communication! Completely "let go" I got no further explanation really. So i have been trying to find answers/ solutions around the internet- found this site and it has been very helpful. I thought I'd reach out and see if any one has any knowledge and/or opinions on this!? I appreciate anything you have to offer!:)

Posts: 471
Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2010 12:50 pm

Re: Abandoned for AA!??

Postby Toast » Tue Jun 12, 2012 7:27 am


Sorry to hear that.

Guess the guy just needs to concentrate on himself for a while to check out his motives for doing stuff. Stuff like 'why do i always get in certain kinds of relationships in the 1st place?'

But i honestly dont know.

Just you be like him, look after no 1 and you'll be fine.

Be well!

Site Admin
Posts: 4830
Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2005 9:05 pm

Re: Abandoned for AA!??

Postby Dallas » Tue Jun 12, 2012 10:17 am

AA doesn't have any rules, general or specific -- on relationships.

Without having first-hand knowledge of all the people and situations involved in your situation --
I don't think anyone here could give you any sound suggestions.

It's difficult to understand why any sponsor wants to mix themselves up w/ personal relationship counselling for their sponsees. It's completely out of line.

I know some AA's that have been married 8 to 10 times, and still don't have a healthy relationship going on -- and they are counselling others on their relationships. LOL.

Then, again -- you can have the alkie guy or girl -- that spots a new potential catch -- and they tell the guy or girl they are involved w/ that "their sponsor" told them to leave the relationship -- rather than fess up to the truth.

My suggestion for you would be to ask yourself the question of:

"Why would I want to be attached to a person that is not mature enough, adult enough and well enough to manage their own relationship decisions -- and the person turns to "strangers" that they've recently met -- to tell them what to do in their relationships?"

Often, the answers will be something like:

1. I don't feel worthy of having the best.
2. I have some severe sense of personal inadequacy going on. And,
3. Fear of being alone.
4. Fear of rejection.

What is your answer?
What do you honestly think about it?
Are you a bad and an abusive person?
Do you deserve to have a "well" and "healthy" MAN in your life --
or would you rather settle for an injured "Little Boy" who needs a Momma?

You sound like a nice, decent and intelligent woman, with a kind and loving heart.

I would bet that: you're a very sensitive type.
You love animals & pets.
When you see a stray, or an unhealthy pet
you're willing to go out of your way to provide help, assistance and care for them --
You have a genuine and deep love for all creatures
And, you want to help them. And, you worry about them if you can't help them.
You've been hurt in the past -- either in childhood, or early teen years.

Would I lose my bet? ;-)

I wish the best for you in all areas of your life.
And, if we can be of help to you during this difficult time --
We're here for you!


Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Jun 06, 2012 8:56 pm

Re: Abandoned for AA!??

Postby angelindefeat » Wed Jun 13, 2012 1:15 am

Thank you both for your responses! I appreciate it beyond words, and just that really helped! Im sorry for the lack of detail- i had typed a much longer, more detailed post but i couldn't seem to post it.
Dallas- funny your "bet" you are right. but not to the extent that i am one of those girls that is always trying to "change" people! Ive always known that the only person that is going to change you- is you!!! But I have also seen that there is something in me that just seems to draw addicts out of the wood work! My first long term relationship, from High School, he turned into an alcoholic… slowly but surely. I was the last one to know because he never drank around me! Which was pretty easy because i traveled a lot for my job and wasn't around more than i was in the end! But it got to the point that i had to, and did, walk away- because he was unwilling to help himself and for as much as i can and will do for a person- i can't let it get to the point of my own detriment! So I clearly walked away from that and since then anytime I have met an alcoholic, pot-head, druggy, anyone who seems like they had an addiction of any sort, i stayed clear away! If i can stop it before it starts- I will- because I know it's not worth it in the end!
However this guy is different because we knew eachother for several months before anything negative was revealed! Everything between us was positive actually! We have everything in common, and so much fun just talking! Everything, from the smallest like/dislikes to our biggest priorities in life! Neither of us felt a connection like we had with eachother! Then after we were together, and i was already too emotionally invested to just walk, especially if he's going to try to help himself and make himself better- I'll do anything i can to help that! But the problem was- when it all came out… it's not alcohol that he has a problem with (right now) it is xanax! But he told me that he has an "alcoholic mind" which I still dont quite understand. He said he used to be an alcoholic but hasn't had a drink in months before he met me (he's also been on, and gotten completely off of- pot, and oxycotin) the only thing he hasn't been able to get off is xanax! So he started with the meetings (for the first time- also back to what Dallas said about a "little boy"! Correct- he has had a pretty easy lifestyle his whole life- simple jobs, living the friends, girlfriends, family… his past relationships had been more out of convenience and "easy", but the most recent one was definitely "enabling" they were together 3 years- when he was on the oxycotin, pot, alcohol, and xanax and she basically supported his habit so she could be with him! He had tried to get himself as clean as he could on his own- from what ive seen he seems like he really wants to be a better person and make himself only better and better! Which is why when all these stories came out i have such trouble picturing that its the same guy that i know) Anyway- sorry for the tangent- after he started the meetings and got a sponser (i had backed off and was giving him time. i just didn't want to distract him or get in his way of the work he had to do, but he knew i was there for him) then after 2 weeks or so he told me that his sponsor told him he can't be in a relationship! And you "can't be friends with someone you were intimate with"-'sponsor'… which left us as nothing- not even friends- which I am actually friends with my exes and he knows that! Ive always thought its so sad that someone you were so close to for so long, when the relationship ends you cease all communication and never see/talk to eachother again!??8( at the very least you could maintain a friendship! Otherwise what kind of a relationship did you have!? we were also strictly platonic friends most of our relationship- like 6months. We just had everything in common so we did everything together and would talk for hours everyday… then we finally decided we wanted to be together and after a month he decided to admit to all this and go into AA! It honestly seems like when it comes to really being with me- he has all this work he thinks/says he has to do on himself before we could ever really be together. Yet- he has easily been in 4 other long term relationships- obviously with his addictions! i just dont understand that?? He also said that he didn't tell me at the start because he was afraid i wouldn't like him, and leave! but that's what he ended up doing anyway, so what was the point of the whole thing!? I haven't seen or heard from him since that last meeting! He kept saying he didn't want to do it (leave me) but he "had to"! Was that a lie? Or was he just afraid of what Id see if I go through this process with him? I have more questions in my head than i know what to do with- which explains all my research and reaching out! I really just wanted to know what's going on and since I've never been through this myself- I know I can't relate first hand, but i can try to understand! Your responses really help and I thank for them again- tremendously! Let me know if the extra details help at all or change your opinion!?

And- answer to your question- I would want to be with this guy for all the good things that I saw in him and the amazing person i got to know and all the fun we have together in everything! Not the drug addict in him- but if that's something he was willing to work through and out of him, then I would have stayed and supported him!
I am a very independent person, and I don't settle for… anything really. I have a theory that the only people you should be with are the ones you can't resist- anything less is just a waste of time & energy (it is settling on the one thing that should never be settle on or for- love). I am also a kind of cosmically/ fate driven person, I believe that everything happens for a reason, and I just think/feel that if I can actually have such an amazing/ indescibable connection with someone (this is the only time i have ever felt anything this deep/ potentially meaningful) I just think there has to be a reason for it! For me to have those feelings! I just don't get why it has to be so hard! I sometimes think it's human nature to make things much harder than they need to be- for no good reason- other than fear!:-/

Site Admin
Posts: 4830
Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2005 9:05 pm

Re: Abandoned for AA!??

Postby Dallas » Wed Jun 13, 2012 12:46 pm

I am also a kind of cosmically/ fate driven person, I believe that everything happens for a reason

Then, if this potential relationship has fallen apart -- perhaps there is a "cosmically, fate driven, reason" and "if everything happens for a reason" -- then, there is a reason -- that this isn't working out.

Do you need to know the reason, so that you can "cosmically, fate-driven" change it?

Or, just accept it as "the best thing that happened is -- you're getting red flags" from the Universe, that's trying to tell you "this relationship is NOT good for you"?

While we're trying to change the things that we can't change,
Or, is best if we don't change --
We're missing out on finding new things that are good for us
and that don't need changing.

Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Jul 20, 2012 1:17 pm

Re: Abandoned for AA!??

Postby clairep183 » Fri Jul 20, 2012 1:32 pm

Hi. Just wanted to say I can relate to you. My best friend (we tried but could not have a relationship because of the drinking) like you I saw beyond the drink and we had great connection. I supported, cared for, did my best for him. He left for detox and aa. Which was brilliant! And although I knew I would miss him, I was happy knowing I could visit. His sponsor told him not to see me. This has broken my heart, and ultimately our friendship. It has been 3 months. But his sponsor knows best. I'm gutted. I've done nothing wrong.
I wish you all the best and hope it works out for you.

Site Admin
Posts: 4830
Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2005 9:05 pm

Re: Abandoned for AA!??

Postby Dallas » Fri Jul 20, 2012 6:44 pm

It's bizarre to read this kind of stuff. I've been in AA and sober over 25 years. I sponsor, I've been sponsored, and I am sponsored and never once told someone else, or been told by a sponsor -- to give up a friendship or not see someone.

Some people get the idea that an AA sponsor is to become a dictator or a manager of other peoples lives -- and this is definitely an erroneous concept. Rest assured THAT is NOT AA -- it's an individual and their choices.

Often, there are situations where a newcomer will go to a girlfriend and tell them that their sponsor said "you can't see her." Typically, it's the newcomer blaming the girlfriend or spouse or relationship on their drinking. They want an "out" so they simply say "my sponsor said to not see you" while they are pursuing dating someone else, possibly in AA. :-) And, newcomer women will do it, too. I guess even old-timers do it or would do it if they were looking for someone to blame or trying to get out of a relationship without being honest.

If I had someone that's telling me "my sponsor says I can't see you" -- I would realize that I was spinning my wheels and wasting my time on a bad situation with a person who will never be well enough or mature enough to make their own decisions in life. It would be a real loud message to me that says "time to move on -- fast!"

If someone tells you "my sponsor said not to see you" -- then, ask to speak to the sponsor about it. If the sponsor won't talk to you about it -- you can bet, it's a bunch of b.s.

There are times, when, a newcomer is mixed up w/ a psycho-crazy person and they will continue to drink as long as they're in a relationship w/ that person -- where it will be nearly impossible to stay sober with this person -- but, it's not a sponsor's job to tell them they've got to leave you (if that's you) :-) . I had a very close AA friend who had been sober for longer than I've been sober now -- tell me when I was new, "Don't ever let anyone tell you that you can't stay sober -- staying with someone." When she got sober, she said nearly everyone in AA told her that she could not stay sober IF she stayed w/ her husband -- who had been her long-time drinking partner. She did stay sober. The husband was never able to get sober, but she told me that they had a wonderful life and a wonderful marriage and she was totally happy that she stayed w/ him.

And, I've met and know many other longtime sober AA's who have said "everyone told me that I would drink if I stayed with him/her" They stayed w/ them. They stayed sober.

I guess there is no hard and fast rule to follow.

If this is one of those "rare cases" where the individual DOES need someone to make his/her decisions for them, which can be the case -- and they ask the sponsor to make their decisions for them (which, too, is sometimes a good short term, temporary idea) -- it's because the person is very sick AND they may be so sick, that they will not get better -- making their own decisions. That can be understandable -- but, it is rare cases. I fit into that category when I first got sober. My brain & thinking was so screwed up -- that every decision I was making was the WRONG decision. And, asking a Jack Ass to make my decisions for me -- would have been much better for me to continue making my wrong, sick, decisions.

And, again -- I have no right to tell you what to do in your life or in your situations or relationships. LOL. So, I don't do that! I'm just passing along my own experience and information. :-)

Best wishes for you in whatever you decide to do!

Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Jan 17, 2013 10:43 am

Question About Pre-Existing Realtionships.

Postby Legolas0703 » Thu Jan 17, 2013 11:19 am

My girlfriend and I have been together since July of 2011 and she went into recovery in February of 2012 because of some serious issues. She keeps telling me that AA clearly states that she should not be in any relationship at all but I have not found anything stating specifically that she should abandon an already healthy and well established relationship for the sake of the program or her recovery.

I have heard from those in the program that she should do away with all relationships where the basis of the relationship was on alcohol or surrounding alcohol which ours started without alcohol and was not based solely on drinking but she seems to be using the program as a method of cutting me off entirely and dooming our relationship under the guise of recovery...

Can someone please tell me if there really is literature that states that an individual in recovery needs to abandon a previously established non-alcohol induced or fueled relationship? I love her and her kids more than anything on this planet and I am terrified that I am going to loose her and them to the program...

Site Admin
Posts: 4830
Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2005 9:05 pm

Re: Abandoned for AA!??

Postby Dallas » Thu Jan 17, 2013 3:42 pm

You wrote:I love her and her kids more than anything on this planet and I am terrified that I am going to loose her and them to the program...

First of all -- myself, nor any other AA member is qualified to give you relationship advice. And, there is no AA literature regarding what you've mentioned.

However, there are some parts of the book Alcoholics Anonymous, that do indicate that sometimes, separation is something that we might face.

IF she is in a treatment center or rehab facility, or if she has a therapist, or doctor treating her -- I would suggest talking with them.

In my experience -- most people do not tell the whole story in regards to relationships. I'm not suggesting that you or her are doing that -- I'm just stating what my experience has been.

You were specific to alcohol -- but, you didn't mention any other drugs, or pot, or anything else.

IF she is telling you this -- I would think, that IF you love her -- you should trust her. How can you love someone if you don't trust them? If you don't trust them -- or they don't trust you, I wouldn't call that a healthy relationship. Maybe something to think about.

I would like to ask a question, for you to ask yourself: Do you love her enough -- to do what's best for her? Do you love her enough to let her make her own decisions regarding the relationship -- and, do you love her enough, to honor what she is requesting and give her the freedom that she is requesting?

She will be facing some tremendous emotional and psychological stuff. She will need all the support that she can get.

Is there any history of domestic abuse, or fighting or arguing in your relationship?

If she is alcoholic and/or addicted to drugs -- this is a highly fatal condition. The majority of alcoholics & addicts die from drinking and/or using, or they locked up in mental institutions. This is especially true for those that do not have a Program of Recovery.

What if: She stays in the relationship, so that you don't lose her -- but, she doesn't recover and she dies of her disease of addiction? How will you feel about that? Knowing that you lost her to death. Would you be able to live your life guilt-free and without remorse, or second guessing yourself and Life, wondering IF you had not stayed together -- she would have lived?

Another thing to consider. It takes TWO healthy people to make a healthy relationship. If one person is ill -- which she is, if she is in recovery -- how can it be a healthy relationship?

I'm not trying to give you any advice. I'm just suggesting some questions that you might like to ask yourself and some scenarios that you should consider.

I hope that helps.

Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Jun 06, 2012 8:56 pm

Re: Abandoned for AA!??

Postby angelindefeat » Thu Jan 17, 2013 9:13 pm

He Legolass,
First off, I am sooo tremendously sorry you have to go through this too- i know how devastated you must feel!:( However, what I have gained (now having this person sober and back in my life) is that, that IS an (i guess unwritten) however- mandatory rule from sponsers to sponsees to not be in a relationship during the 12 step/recovery process! Bc the addict is supposed to be focusing on themselves, not others... like they haven't done enough of that anyway! Since most addicts are selfish individuals- they just focus on self destructing, as opposed to self preserving or nurturing! I still find it ridiculous to cut out good relationships- bc those can only help a person in need- especially someone who unconditionally loves them! However- i guarantee that her sponser did tell her this... and sadly her mind is probably so out of it from being an addict- that she isn't in a place to make her own decisions! And maybe for now- until she regains control of herself/ gets clean... she won't be able to! But i guarantee if she really does love you- she will realize that and come back!!! I honestly wouldn't let her go completely though... love her from a far... call/contact her in about 3months and see how she is doing!!! she'll be more clear headed (and should be clean) by then and you can figure out where you truly stand! A scary thing I thought about AA having that ridiculous no relationship rule is that "cult" part of the program- that they want everyone to be dependant on AA- the program- and eachother- no one else!!! so they can hold eachother DOWN- literally and metaphorically! Which I do not like at allll!!!!!! and is the reason why I'd contact her in a few months to check up on her- don't let her go completely- if you care!!!:)
I wish you all the best!!! A quote i'd like to share with you:"it'll all be alright in the end... if it's not- then it's not the end"!;)
Take care! Please let me know if you have any further questions Legolass!??:)

Return to “Relationships in Recovery”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest