Angry with God

[sunlight]

I am sponsoring a woman who was despicably abused in childhood. She has never told anyone, since she was told they would kill her if she did. Her 5th step was the first time she had ever revealed her past.
We are now on the 8th step and there is a definite block to progress. She finally told me that she is angry with God for allowing this to happen to her & can't conceive that a loving God would ever allow such hell.
She has a therapist, but it doesn't seem to help. Right now we are forging ahead on the steps, but I can see that a happy sobriety is not forthcoming.
I honestly think that she likes this anger, and is holding onto it because it gives her a sense of power and control. Also a sense of uniqueness, in that most of us have surrendered, but she will be the one who will not.
I would like to hear anyone's experience with anger with God and how it was resolved.
Thanks!

I am not able to join in here as much as I would like, since my new work schedule prevents it, but I am with you in spirit!

[Dallas]

I believe that you're right on -- that she is hanging on to it, because she's getting a benefit out of it.
As morbid as that sounds -- it's morbidly true, with humans.
They will hang on to something that harms them --
in exchange for it fulfilling a perceived psychological need.

What's most unfortunate about it is: Most often, they are not aware that they are doing it.

It can be further understood in light of Dr. Silkworth's description of insanity:
"the inability to differentiate the true from the false."

It usually requires a "shock" to penetrate the shield of the mind. Saying something ludicrous and sometimes profane -- that they would never expect to hear from you.

Question examples:

1. "When is the last time you had good sex?" (They Answer) Then: "Do you believe that it's because God is holding out on you? That God isn't giving you the sex you deserve and could get if God wasn't keeping it from you?"

2. "How's your financial situation, are you broke?" (They Answer) Then: "Are you angry at God, because God hasn't given you the winning lotto ticket?"

3. "When is the last time that one of your sick kids got angry at you -- because you didn't keep them from getting sick?" Do you blame God for when you get sick?

It's advantageous to hang on to childish and sick ideas -- when we believe they are fulfilling a need, which we do not believe that we have a healthier option to fulfill it. It becomes "an easier softer way" to cope.

What's harming her is: "Her" concept of God.

What if -- she decided to "change" her concept of God?

Would the problem of anger go away?

The abuse was wrong. She has a right to feel angry because of it. However, the past can not be changed. The only thing that can be changed about the past -- is our present perception and understanding of the past. And, we do have to come to understand the past "from a different angle" before we can ever truly let go of it.

"IF" she couldn't blame God, for her present misery (which is anger) -- and the way she is punishing herself with it -- then, she would have to become 100% accountable and responsible for her present day misery.

It's a form of mental masturbation. Someone is getting screwed -- but, the fact is: they are screwing themselves. And, who wants to admit that they are screwing themselves?

[Toast]

Hi,

This one is a really hard mould to break, recently been sponsoring a guy who went through something similar in his childhood with a male neighbour who's now long dead. But even now almost 30 yrs later he's still angry not only at the abuse, and who wouldn't be, but also the fact that he is now a closet gay which he blames on his child abuse. I've said being gay is nothing to be ashamed of and its just like being born left handed, just different that’s all but he's as angry as hell about what happened then and the way he is now?

So now we're at the stage where he's saying now that i know the truth about him i wont like him and i can feel he's ready to move onto yet another sponsor and start all over again. Lately my phone calls have not been answered. He seems to get a kick out of shocking people talking about his past and his present? His whole existence has been living the life of a perpetual victim and it’s going to take a power greater than me to shake him out that way of thinking.

Guess all I can do is pray for him and let him go.

[sunlight]

Thanks Dallas & Toast for your replies. It helped me to see it from another perspective.

I lived the victim part for a long time, but didn't even know it till I did my 4th step. The problem with seeing myself as "victim" was that it became my identity.

But living sober made me realize: "What a crappy identity! I don't want my identity to be a victim. Being a victim makes me think of a dead body on the way to the morgue. I don't want to be dead. I'm sober! I'm alive! I want to be happy, joyous & free!"

And I let the steps change me into exactly that!

It was a process. It's still a process. I need to be patient and think of others so I can give it room to happen. But it DOES happen. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, don't cha know?

Who was it that said, "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." ?
Sure is true!

[Dallas]

There are many victims buried in local graveyards.
The survivors -- bring them flowers.

Thanks to Sobriety, through AA's 12 Steps --
I have a choice to be the Survivor -- that brings the flowers.

[Toast]

Then again its very presumptuous of me to even try and understand how someone who has gone through child abuse would feel in adulthood. I can’t think of anything more horrific for a blameless child to experience. It must be pure torture to think back on it especially if the perpetrator was a family member you trusted.

Guess that’s why we stick to fixing drunks.

[Dallas]

I understand child abuse really well.
I also understand angry with God, really well, too.

I will say, that it must have been God,
who allowed me to wait until I was coming up on
five years sober -- before I had to deal with it.
(The child abuse part).

By five years sober my anger at God had been well resolved.
Actually -- it took about two years for that to be fully resolved.
I had thought that I had dealt w/ all the God-anger sooner than two years.
But, in my case -- I came to realize that I hadn't.

Nearly every alcoholic and addict and criminal -- that I've had the blessed
opportunity to try to be of service to -- has had a history of child abuse,
sex abuse as a child, some real tormenting type stuff. And, nearly every one
of us had eventually developed a tremendous anger and/or a hatred towards God.

I understand those people when I'm trying to help them.
I look at them and I see me, in the reflection I see in their eyes.
It's kind of like looking in a mirror.

[Toast]

Thanks for sharing that Dallas, lets me appreciate you all the more.

God Bless

[sunlight]

Thank you all so much!

I realize how difficult, if not nearly impossible, it is to believe in a loving God when your life experience has been anything but.

That's why we in AA offer the love that has been so lacking.
It is an honor and privilege to be the channel for God's love!
We have been given it freeely, and freely we pass it on.

Pass it on, friends!

[Toast]

Hi,

I think that’s why AA puts the emphasis on wisdom.

The human intelligence can be used to perform some cruel acts and some of the cruellest things I’ve ever seen have been performed in the name of love, allegedly.

But when you put intelligence and love together you get wisdom, real wisdom to know the difference. We also get the wisdom to know we get back what we give out, that’s why it’s good for us to get lost in service to our fellow alcoholics. We’re much better at praying than we ever were at thinking.

Be well