I was reading previous posts, and one fought my eyes. It was about which one one should emphasize, acceptance or courage. My dilemma comes from the fact that I don't have the wisdom to distinguish between two Even when I do, I don't have the power to carry it out, for either one. To accept the situation, He must give me that warm feeling everything would be ok.
I am in my mid 40s. I just changed my career to completely different field. I am that middle aged man do not know what he is doing on the job. My ego is under heavy fire. It has been exactly a month tonight. I have been praying for the perseverance hourly. My career hit the wall I could not climb. I had to choose this path. I think.
My keen alcoholic mind and over sensitive emotion have been telling me, 'this is it. If I fail this one, I will never be 'happily and usefully whole'. I know He is in charge. I am right where I am supposed to be. Let go, and walk through my fear. It would be ok, either way.
It is one thing to talk about acceptance theoretically, but completely another when I must live it to survive. The program changed completely for me the last 3 month or so. It is no longer the talk. The design for living at rough going, it truly is. I have snow chance in Hell without my sponsor. I used to laugh and put down the ones who said that. Pain is that ray comes before the sunlight of the spirit. I clearly see the reality when I am in pain. I blow it up, but without pain, I would not know what is eating me. Pain cuts through the fog my ego created.
Maybe I am beginning to accept the condition I was left in after all that drinking and drying. I can only do this because of the program. For that, I am grateful. A drunk like me, His full time project. Thank you all.