- Ongoing problems with people close to you?

Ongoing problems with people close to you?




Topics related to AA Meetings - and alcohol addiction recovery

Ongoing problems with people close to you?

Postby Dallas » Sat Aug 06, 2005 6:22 pm

Topic Question: "What is the nature of the ongoing problems you have with people close to you – in human relations – what seems to always happen when you have these things that blow up?"

I thought of asking this question in the Relationships forum, but then, I realize that the question is relevant in any category, so I picked it as a meeting topic.

It's your turn to share! :wink:

Dallas
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Postby crickit » Wed Aug 10, 2005 1:28 am

I found in doing my 4th step that there is a recurring theme in all my resentments. When the resentments were with people who where close to me I reacted in the same way every time. I either ended the relationship, even if it was family, or I held in the resentment. I never once told the other person what they had done to hurt me and never once stood up for myself when someone was angry with me. I actually think that my husband and my son realized a long time ago that all they had to do to get me to back off is to get angry because I would immediately back off and go away feeling guilty that I had done something wrong. I can remember as a very young child getting really scared when my father would start shouting because you never new what was going to happen. Things would get broke, he would physically go after either one of us kids or my mom and sometimes the police would show up. I was so young I don't really remember what I was thinking at the time but I do remember being scared. Now, today at 44 years old when someone is angry with me I automatically feel it is my fault. That I have made that person angry because I'm not a good person. I guess because I've seen what anger can do to me I have been unable to express anger myself. Instead, I hold it in and become bitter. This is something I'm no where near understanding yet, just something I noticed. It gets so bad sometimes that I feel like everyones dumping ground and wonder why it's so easy for people to say and do such hurtful things to me. Sometimes I wish I could just get angry and tell them all exactly how I feel whether it's hurt or angry of sad or upset. But I can't. I'm always too concerned about how it would make them feel. There must be a way to express how I feel without going to there level and hurting them. My husband says this is one of my biggest faults because I let people walk all over me, treat me like crap and then go back for more and he doesn't even realize (or maybe he does) that he does the same thing. Maybe as I work through the steps and repair my self esteme then I will get better at handling anger but for now, it still scares me to death.

Sorry for rambling on. I hope this is what you meant by your question Dallas. I just had a bad day at the doctors and then came home to my husband phoning me yelling and screaming at me then my son phoned and did the same thing. Neither one even asked how I made out at the doctors and I felt I couldn't tell either one of them because I have already caused them so much stress and they don't need anymore bad news. So I'm sitting here with one bitch of a headache that won't go away praying for one day, just 24 hours, that I can sit and relax and not think about anything.

HAPPY 24 HOURS
Crickit
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My son in law

Postby 918gma » Thu Aug 11, 2005 2:31 pm

He is living with me as well as my daughter. They are expecting thier first baby in a few weeks.

At first it seemed like it would work out ok, but the longer it goes, the more frustrated I get, because things just arn't going my way.

I know, words an alcoholic should never say that has been through the steps and has a little recovery under her belt. He isn't working and not really doing any thing about it. He is drinking but not a lot. (compared to me) He just doesn't seem to have any movtivation.

I know what the problem is, it's me. I have made things too easy. I didn't set clear boundries, limits or time frames.

When I complain about it, I complain to my daughter not him, and that is very wrong. I have dug myself into a real good restentment that I need to do and turn over. I'm just procrastinating. I try to be a people pleaser and I suck at it. I can only do it for so long and then I blow up.
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I don't know

Postby 918gma » Wed Aug 17, 2005 5:18 am

I don't know if there is a rule about answering your own post, but I'm going to do it any way. I am physically and mentally exhausted so bear with me.

I confronted my daughters husband today, an argument insued and I asked him to leave. Natually as it should be, his wife, my daughter left with him.

The only thing I regrett right now, is that I lost my temper and said things that wern't right. The right thing happened, it just happened the wrong way.

I took all the right steps afterwards, I think. I called my sponsor, I prayed several times today. I found another live alcoholic to talk to. I actually got out of my head long enough to work with him on his stuff as well as address my stuff. Later this evening I also attended my home group meeting.

This was the ultimate conclusion to this problem, and I know that. I have also saying numerous prayers for him to have all the things God would want me to have. I made a call to try to make amends for loosing my temper, and wish hiim well, but as of yet he has not returned my phone call. I understand that he does not have to accept my appology, and I'm ok with that. My sponsor has sugested a letter, that may be better.

As I have already shown you and now see for myself very clearly that this was not a healthy thing for me to live with. And I can not back down because my daughter is pregnant and let him return. He is not ready for the program, if he is in fact even in need of the program. That is not my place to say. I am not bragging, I think I;m just checking in with you guys to make sure I have used my tools properly.

My sponsor said that I was right for being angry, but wrong for loosing my temper. My daughter and I are ok, we are both hurt, but ok.

I think I am doing it this way instead of pming my friends individually, is so I only have to do it once. As I have said I am emotionally drained.

I think they refer to this as growing pains, it definatly hurts, and I pray I will grow from it. We don't make mistakes, we create opportunities to learn from. Thank you.
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Postby crickit » Wed Aug 17, 2005 11:32 am

Oh gma, I'm sorry for what you are going through. I had similar incident with the daughter in law. My sponsor warned and warned me not to get into it with her but I just couldn't take it anymore. They don't live with me anymore so it's a little different but I couldn't take her condemning me anymore. She has my son convinced that I'm crazy and will never be better and I cause too many problems between them. I endend up getting angry with her and told her I wasn't taking the blame for all her crap anymore. Anyway, to l make a long strory short, my son got angry and isn't talking to me again. I beat myself up really bad wishing I hadn't said anything but it was done and I couldn't take it back (besides, it felt so good to finally get it out).

So I look at it this way. You had issues with your son in law and it came to a head. To think now about what you should have or could have done is useless. Yesterday is gone. Try not to think so much about how you can fix it. You knew it was best that they leave and now they're gone. As long as everything is ok with you and your daughter that's all that matters. Remember,progress not perfection. Everything is just as it should be. It may be to early to make amends to him and he may not be willing to listen. We tend to rush into things to try to make things right again. After I blew up at my daughter in law I felt so bad I wanted to apologize but I knew I would be doing it for my son only. I feel I only need to make amends for the way I say things not what I said. It was a long time coming and if I had talked to her rationally way back when things might have been different. I got tired of her blaming me for all the problems between her and my son and when I decided I'm not taking it anymore she was the first one I was able to stand up to. We were all suppose to be trying to work things out and then she outright threatened that I would never see my grandson against me and would use my past to make sure that happened. Yes I said some pretty mean things and I did it out of be angry and that I really do feel bad about but I can only work through my own inventory. I am still working through the resentments I'm holding for her and my son and until I can do that I'm not ready to make amends. I pray for them every day and not for my sake but my grandsons. If they can work things out between the 2 of them and give my grandson a happy healthy life then I will stay out of it without a problem. It hurts terribly but there is nothing I can do but stay sober, work the program and hope that everything will turn out the way it is suppose to.

Listen to me, the 6 mth expert LOL. I know this advise like the back of my hand because it's been said to me so many times and I know it's much easier said then done but it is true. It's the regret of what happen yesterday that will drive us mad. You knew that him being there was affecting your sobriety and now he is gone. Maybe you went about it the wrong way but oh well it's done. Before you try to make amends, figure out what you need to make amends for. Don't let those feelings of insecurity and low self worth creep in and take over. Make sure you leave the lines of communication open with your daughter. She will need you. I pushed things too far with my son and lost them both. It sounds like they have some things they need to deal with as well but you have no control over that. Let go and let god. Remember, you are not alone.

With Love and Bright Blessings
Crickit
xxoo
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Postby Dallas » Wed Aug 17, 2005 3:50 pm

Hello 918Gma,

I had read your post but had not replied because I thought that perhaps you had already talked to your sponsor and worked out what to do about the situation.

Right now, it sounds like the “Could’ve, Would’ve, Should’vesâ€
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Thank you

Postby 918gma » Wed Aug 17, 2005 3:55 pm

Words can not express my gratitude to you for that responce. It had it and, and it was dsaid from the heart. Thank you so much. I slept like the dead last night, and I feel better today.

Life will go on. And like you said all is as it should be. Thank you again for giving me exactly what I needed.
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Postby new2this » Fri Aug 19, 2005 5:35 pm

Hey Gma!

You aren't still beating yourself up, are you? Yep, you got mad. Yep, you lost your temper. Yep, you were a part of the problem by letting it go on a little too long. So, what did you do? You fixed the problem to the best of your ability. The choices your daughter makes are up to her. And she always has the option to "change her mind". But she's got to come to those decisions on her own.

You did all the right things. You went to your sponsor. You practiced your steps. You used the tools you had. We can't change the things we've done. That's history.

The book says(page 60) "No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to the priciples. We are not saints. The point is we are willing to grow along spirtual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spirtiual perfection."

From everything you wrote, it sounds like you were unable to maintain perfect adherence to the principles. And guess what? You weren't a saint, either. Imagine that?? :lol: But, it sure sounds like you were and are willing to grow and keep making progress!!!!!

You must be doing something right! :wink:

Hehehe....you know enough about me by now to know that I'm hardly a saint myself! :shock: I have a pretty insane family. Is part of that my fault? Sure it is! I'm not perfect and never will be. But I am willing to grow and make progress(occasionally I have to be reminded that I am willing, though! :oops: ) Sometimes I just have to take myself out of the picture or drive myself nuts! And sometimes that acutally even works!!!!

Take care,

Cathy
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Hey Guys

Postby 918gma » Sat Aug 20, 2005 2:23 pm

Thanks Cathy,

Yes I know you well, that's why we connect on so many levels. Yes I put the Hammer in the closet be request of this forum, about two days ago. Barb and I are ok. We have had several talks in the last few days.

The next change in the senario is that the man they moved in with, My ex is now in the hospital and might not make it this time. That's been said before about this man and he has pulled through. But things look much grimmer this time.

When you divorce a man, you go through this grieving process and you think you'r done with it and you move on. Then the man dies and you do it all over again. This is the second time for me. It is a shock to realize I still have feelings.

Well I need to get in my coffin before the sun melts me to nothing. Vampire talk no connection. I am trying to keep my sence of hummor, some days I fell like that's my only cushion. It's warped and only you could understand it, and maybe a couple others, but it works for me. I appriciate you more than you know, Kathy :D :D :arrow: :oops: 8)

Ps you guessed Kay again
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Postby crickit » Tue Aug 23, 2005 11:53 am

The next change in the senario is that the man they moved in with, My ex is now in the hospital and might not make it this time. That's been said before about this man and he has pulled through. But things look much grimmer this time.


How are things gma. I hope all is well with you and yours. We are all here for you.

Bright Blessings
Crickit
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