As always... I love it when you share! You come from your heart, with the language of the heart... and that's something that always gets through to me, and touches me on a soul level. So... I hope you feel very free and encouraged to keep it up!!! I'm a real sponge for stuff like that!
A couple of thoughts that came to me, as I was reading your sharing:
Somewhere I heard, or read... that telling the truth is honesty. And, I guess honesty and surrender are similar. Perhaps, when I'm telling the truth... I am being "at one... with what is"... and I heard once, that this is where the word honest originates... "hon" (at one with) "est" (what is).
I guess where the opposite of surrender would come in, would be when, for some reason, whether I'm conscious of it or not... (perhaps in a state of denial, delusion, or rationalization)... I'm not being at one with or "present" with what is. (Not necessarily in full-flight from reality... but maybe just gliding at a low altitude)
Gees! What has that got to do with anything?
Maybe, what I'm thinking of... is Integrity. When my mind and thoughts and actions and words... are all lined up and in the same place that my body is... at the same time!
There was something in one of your messages that I read this morning that influenced the thoughts that I was having later... as I was sitting on my porch with a cup of coffee enjoying some peaceful reflections.
My thoughts at that moment were: "What if... in my 10th Step, I included a list of all the things that I thought people were thinking about me... and I kept a running list all through the day... and kept adding to it, each time that I caught myself thinking that someone was thinking something about me!" Oh what a list that would be!!! I'll bet that by the end of the day, it would be a real eye-opener for me! I wonder how many days of keeping a list like that... that I would be entirely ready to let go of me thinking about other people thinking about me!
I wonder if only a recovering alcoholic would have an understanding of what I'm writing about? Or... would I be so unique that even a recovering alcoholic wouldn't understand me keeping a list of all the times that I thought someone was thinking something about me?
Wow!!!! What a tremendous waste of my energy and my life for me to be thinking about what someone else would be thinking about me... But, you know what? Sometimes I catch myself really doing that!!! I guess to see it first hand in myself, and to admit it that I do it... is honest. I don't know how surrender would fit in with it. Maybe I'll know that later tonight, or some other time.
I feel uneasy taking up so much space here... going on further... but, I'm just going to go ahead and feel uneasy... and get this one out, too! It has to do with "Expectations."
I know that in AA... it seems to me, that "expectation" is almost like a "bad thing to do." And, I often hear that "expectations" leads to problems, and lack of serenity and peace... etceteras.
I understand how unrealistic expectations.... can and do create problems. But, I also believe in the value and power of positive expectations... that are very realistic... and I use them often, in what I believe is a healthy way.
When I was new in AA... I listened to people talk about "making plans" as if making plans and expecting results based upon the execution of the plans ... were one of those "bad things to do." And, as a result of that... I believe that I stunted my own growth during those periods... by being confused about making plans... and not making plans!
When I changed Sponsors, one of the first things my Sponsor had me start doing was to write a "Daily To Do List." It was my plan for the day... and I had to check in the next day... to talk about how well I did with my "To Do List". It started as a very simple list of things that I knew that I could accomplish. And, then... the list grew in complexity. And, then, I began to notice that I was feeling good about myself... and I was moving forward in my life making progress in the "other areas of my life."
One day... as I was doing my daily 10th & 11th Steps... I saw that planning and having plans was a very important component of the 10th & 11th Steps.
Now... to tie this all together... now that I've gotten long-fingered in typing this message... my thoughts can be "Gees, what are they thinking about me... looking at how long my message is!" And, I could have some realistic or unrealistic expectations in that regards... and if they were realistic or not... just having them would create discomfort! So, now here is where surrender will come in.... I'll click the "Submit" button and accept the results!!
Enjoy the miracles and the moments!