Hi folks, I'm back! I had a really emotional week, but as they say, all's well that ends well, and I think it was okay. Well, fortunately for me (!), I open the Sunday a.m. meeting here, and I arrived early enough to listen to an AA tape. I mean, I really gave myself the tx. I had even read several stories of the 'new' BB, and the chapter to the Agnostics. I did realize that much of my experiences is part of a verrrry repetitive and exhausting pattern that has repeated itself ever since I was a child, perhaps high school. The feelings always resulted in alienation... in other words, my inner experience was dictating my outter, and I felt helpless and powerless to change it, except for the power of prayer. Fortunately as well, I did not wish to drink, but while on my knees, I fervently hoped that either I would die, or I would overcome this pattern. I realize that sounds drastic, but hey! I'm an alcoholic! I took this to prayer, and I was able to really look forward to the meeting I opened. I saw there, several, nay, MANY of the people who were new with me several years ago, but, ALAS! They were still NEW! AGAIN!. So, I feel that tells me that I have much to be gratefulf.
I realized that the pattern was there, very real, and very unbudgeable, but I also realized that my real experience was the result of this pattern, and not the result of what 'other people are doing to me today!' That was my conclusion. I have to admit that I have always feared people, and covered this with much bravado. Today, in AA, I remind myself that I am a result of my responses to what happens to me, and not what happens to me. (Freedom from Bondage.) For me, the spiritual awakening comes slowly, but I find much encouragement in sharing my experiences as honestly as possible.
Another bonus from this was, my sponsor also came to that meeting early, and I was able to share my feelings without becoming defensive. This has truly been a growing relationship.
Where I work, there is at least one other program member, who I find encouragement from, as he shares his program with me.
So, I'm back, have not drank, and am still here. I wish to thank you for all your responses and for bein' there for m!