Hi family, my name is Stephanie and I'm an Alcoholic/Addict. I have drank for as long as I can remember and was given brown bottles of beer to carry around as a toddler - sipping from them. My first conscious drunk was at 14, at a block party where I got roasted and threw up all over the side of my sister's car as she cruised the local McDonald's, (which was the in thing at that time. My next big drunk was at 16, where I started drinking whiskey, shot for shot...between a friend of mine and I, we drank a half gallon of JD. Now bring in drugs, of any kind,...and you get the picture. I loved the effect, and it helped to bury feelings and thoughts I didn't want to have. I was less than, I was an outcast, I hurt inside from being physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually abused as a child and teen. I stayed in an altered state...not because I just wanted to...but I didn't have an off switch. When I used alcohol or drugs, I used them to chase that drunk or high with no stopping point. Suicide attempts came and went...I surely wasn't affraid of death since I'd had a near death experience at 4 1/2 years old that showed me there was life after life and it was truly better than were I was!
I got pregnant during my junior year, graduated 9 mos pregnant, and had stopped drugging, temporarily, but not drinking. I married her father a year later and we had a son the first year of our marriage. My father died during this time and I buried my pain in alcohol. Parties were at home constantly, thing were always getting broken, fights errupted, and affairs tore the home apart. We divorced after 4 years.
I tried to turn my life around, started reading the Bible, taking courses, studing in every minute possible, but I woudn't leave marajuana and wine alone, reasoning it wasn't written in the Bible to not do it. After spending 14 months locked up, another near death experience that wasn't so good, but yet I went right back to drinking and using again, and trying to fight to regain custody of my children back. Eventually I got back custody, still drinking, still drugging and living a life that was totally chaotic and crazy, ripping havioc through the lives of everyone else around me and yet not caring. I thought I wasn't hurting anyone.
I married again after a 2 week whirlwind romance, to an alcoholic/addict and life continued crazy. After 12 years of misery, I filed for divorce. My mother died, I was arrested for DUI on the night she died, three months later my step father (who I loved dearly) died, one month later my best friend committed suicide with a shot gun blast to the head, a month later my 14 year old dog Suzi died, and during those months, I went through two rapes. Once drunk and once sober. I sunk into a dark depression and drank and drugged everything I could. Each time I awoke I cursed waking up. I hated being alive. I hated life. I hated most of all...me. My children weren't speaking to me anymore,...they were grown...when I'd call, they'd hang up. Nothing hit me as hard as that. I was a looser.
In 2001, I had developed a plan to check out. I would commit suicide and not leave a body for my children to have to find. I could take a cruise, get very drunk, and even though drowning was one way I never would choose to die, this time it was an option, and I could manage to slip off into the ocean unseen and drown. I saved up for the cruise, I paid off my utility bills, (I didn't care about the house payment - I knew they didn't want the house), and all I needed was my next check on Friday. This was Monday and my car broke down. I thought the repair would only be about $20. Maybe it just needed a coil, spark plug wires, or new plugs. Nope, it needed a new distributer! The cost of the repair was almost my entire check! I was crushed. My plan was gone. I drank into oblivion that night and the next day my ex came over asking me to go to an auto parts store with him. I was sick, sick, sick, but I went. He wanted to stop at a VP for something to drink, and asked if I wanted to come in. I was too sick and declined. As he started to shut the door, a thought popped in my head. He alwasy carried a Lugar under the seat of his old van! If he took three steps, he'd be far enough away to not be able to stop me! I was extatic! He asked again, "Want to go?" Again, I declined.
He shut the door and took the first step, I moved my legs sideways to get them closer to being around the big hump in the middle of the front of the van. He took the second step, I leaned forward, my legs moving closer to his seat. My heart was racing. He stopped, turned on a split second, took the two steps back to the van. I just stared as he opened the door to the van and reached under the seat, doing something that I'd never seen him do before as he took the gun out from under the seat and tucked it in his holster. "I thougt you didn't want to go?" He asked me seeing my position. "I don't." I told him with tears now pouring down my face.
"I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were that sick." He said.
"Oh, you don't know the half of it." I told him sitting back in my seat.
When I got home, I drank myself into oblivion again and woke up the next morning, sick at heart and body. I don't remember the last time I'd ate anything.
I went to my kitchen sink and wondered if I should chance drinking water. I looked up at the window over the sink an began to cry out to this unseen HP I'd read of years ago.
"I don't know why You want me here. I hate this life. I hate everything about it. I hate living. I don't want to be here. But You want me here. You won't let me leave. I don't know why, but I can't do this! I can't do this anymore. I can't live this way anymore. If You want me to stay here, You've GOT TO HELP ME!!! Please, help me!" I sobbed for about 20 miutes then went and sat down on my couch. I went into a stooper or trance for 2 hours. I don't remember anythig during that time. When I came out of it, I remember hearing a meek quiet voice saying, "Why don't you call AA?" I didn't know what AA was, didn't know anyone in it, and didn't know where it was. But I found out. I called for help and after a few days got up the courage to go to a meeting. I heard them say that things would get better if I kept coming back. I thouht they were lying - just a lot of hot air. But, I have to admit, secretly I hoped just a tiny bit, that they were right. I kept going to meetings, and learned how to stop drinking & drugging 24 hours or 5 minutes or 5 seconds at a time. What ever it took to make it to those 24 hours and then try that again the next day. That was the beginning of a now new life that I love. The steps, the meetings, the fellowship and the spiritual way of life, gave me what I'd never had. A life that I could live with and be reasonably happy.
I left a lot out of this story, due to lack of time and space, but I am sure it is alot like others stories. Lying, cheating, stealing, manipulating, conning, selfcenteredness, selfishness, self seeking, ego, pride, hurt, rage, anger, (I was also a cutter - hurt the outside to keep the inside from huring as much since I could handle physical pain much better than I could emotional pain), and the list goes on.
After a few 24 hours, I became reunited with the HP I knew at 4 1/2, and began to pray & meditate and worked on something I wanted to do for a long time. 3 years in recovery I became a minister, and a year and a half later, received ordination through another ministry also.
I know my sobriety (sober & clean) comes first in my life - just like my HP also does. Without my sobriety, I won't keep my HP in my thoughts, I'll go back to being that old person I once was. I don't want to be her ever again. I like who I am today. I love myself, my life and my Higher Power.
Thanks for listening (so to speak.) If anyone hasn't told you today, you are loved.