- It's not Fair

It's not Fair




Experiences along the way that bring us closer to our Higher Power

It's not Fair

Postby 918gma » Sat May 13, 2006 8:08 pm

As I approach my 2nd birthday, I have made a discovery abut myself. (Go figure) I actually act like a two year old.

I've also discovered that the word fair is just another four letter word. It's as offensive to my higher power as any other. When I use it, especially with the word not in front of it, it means I am back in my will again and not his.
For example:
It's not fair that I have to do it right and all the Normie's get to do what they please.
It's not fair that this is happening to my family.
This just isn't fair at all.

I can actually see myself stomping my little shinny patent leather shoe, throwing my chubby little arms across my chest, as I flip my golden brown locks to and fro. Damn what a two year old.

No it may or may not be fair, but if I did it like the Normie's I would still be drinking. When I do it like my HP wants me to, the blessings are greater that I could imagine. Its not about fair when it comes to life. Life happens, no matter whether we think it's fair or not. Our reaction to life is what counts, not the events them selves. I have discovered too that I don't have a clue as to what is best for me. I am still too self centered to make those decisions, but my HP knows me like a parent knows his child and knows exactly what I need. When I don't fight it, just suit up and show up, my blessing are innumerable.
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Postby cinderbobble » Sun May 14, 2006 4:17 pm

Your so cute! Cute, cute cute!! I know it's not fair! If it were fair, I would either be in jail, locked up, or 6 feet under, for all the stuff I did to people, drove drunk, and dis'd all those who loved me! Now, here I am, laughing at another alky, and sure we want what's fair, until we realize if we got it, we'd still be payin' the price. Today, I have opportunities! I have an opportunity to choose. Even though I am not always aware of those opportunities, that does not mean that they are not there. And so, I take this opportunity to thank you for giving me a chuckle! I appreciate it. I love my sponsor, because she wants me to be an opportunist!

Anyway, bein' a 2-year old aint so bad. I love Bob Earl's (speaker tape) idea of a spiritual awakening, is 'like waking up like a 2-year older and looking for the first thing he could get into!' Love it. Love it even more when I wake up like that!

Another thing, this stomping around of which I do so much, a friend of mine who had an overactive 2-year old, referred to the fact that when he throws a fit, even kicks her in the shin, or cries bloody murder - she does not love him the less for it. Such is the love, if not more of our HP.

So, have a Happy! And Happy Mother's Day to you all!
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You are awsome and Thank you

Postby 918gma » Sun May 14, 2006 5:37 pm

I think one of the greatest gifts of sobriety is each other. Who else but another alcoholic can actually understand what we are trying to say.

Being two does have it's advantages. I am grateful that I was blessed to go down the road that I did so I can be where I am today. I can see things more clearly and can also see my choices. I may not always like my choices, but I can at least see them.

Happy mothers day to you too.
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Postby Dallas » Sun May 14, 2006 9:24 pm

Happy Mother's Day... all you mothers! And, Happy Day to everyone else!

Kathy, as I was reading your message I couldn't help but remember, when I first remembered hearing the phrase "If you're going to pray... and ask God for something... be sure to ask for mercy instead of justice!" :wink:

You and Cinderbobble reminded me of my own Two! At two years sober, my life totally came apart at the seams. Totally! I remember one of the incidents that had me at the jumping off place... but since there was no place to jump... I was tempted to drive my van into the side of a fast moving train... sober!

Those dang AA's said "Oh, you're going through the Terrible Twos! Don't worry... this too shall pass!"

I said "Why the heck didn't anyone tell me about this?" And, they said... "We tried... but obviously, and as usual, you weren't listening to what we were saying to you!"

I asked "Does everyone go through this stuff at two years sober?" They said, "No. Often, it only happens to the one's who are not listening... and doing the sobriety footwork!" (No reference there to anyone else... just referring to me!)

Gees!!! It was a miracle that I made it through it!!!

Three of the greatest lessons that I learned through that were:

1. Do the footwork before the circumstances. The circumstances will always arrive... and I'll never know ahead of time what is coming. So, if I'm doing the footwork... at least I'll be better prepared when the troubles come my way.

2. Pain is not always bad. Pain can be a messenger, to bring me the message of what areas of my life need some progress.... and inform me of what changes I need to be making. Also, if I've prayed for things like "God help me to be humble and less self-centered" my prayers may be getting answered with circumstances to make me humble... and possibly God-centered instead of self-centered. So, I became watchful of what I was praying for and how I was praying!!! The best bet for me, seemed to be "God, let me know what your will for me is, and give me the power to carry it out!" And, things like "I offer myself to You, to build with me and do with me as You will."

And,

3. It's true.... "This too... shall pass". I used to hate some of the little sayings like "this too shall pass" - until I was in the middle of some circumstance that made me say "I wish this too would really pass fast... I just can't handle it!" It was then, when I relied on the little sayings, that I recognized their power and truth.

About the only faith that I had in AA or God, when I first came in, was the faith that "it's not going to work for me!" I really, honestly, didn't believe that AA would work for me... and that God (if there was a good God) wouldn't want anything to do with a person like me!!!

Some of the best advice that I got was "Don't worry about faith or believing... you just take the actions and don't think about it. And, while you're taking the actions, try to keep an attitude of honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness."

What I've learned so far... is that AA has worked for me... and there really is a good God that cares for me and countless others. So, I guess, I've kind of "Came to believe"! Life is Good and it's even better when I make the most of it!

Thanks for letting me share!!!

Dallas
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That's good

Postby 918gma » Sun May 14, 2006 10:30 pm

Don't take this wrong, I'm in a bad place right now. But if and when you willing to do the footwork, except that you don't know what the foot work is, then what.
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Postby Dallas » Mon May 15, 2006 1:02 am

918gma wrote: But if and when you willing to do the footwork, except that you don't know what the foot work is, then what.


Hey Kathy, sorry to hear you're in a bad place. I'm not sure what to say, since you didn't share anything about it, other than being in it. I hope it isn't too bad of a place.

For me, when I refer to the footwork... it's the 12 Steps. It seems like the longer and more often that I use them... the more that gets revealed to me through them. The real task for me has been to continue doing them daily... even when the times are really good. That keeps me on course and keeps me clear-headed.

When I get away from doing my daily 10th through 12th Steps, everything seems to get out of whack for me real fast... and then I find myself looking for solutions outside the 12 Steps. I forget what my solution really is... and then I get confused.... And, then, when it seems like none of the actions that I'm taking are leading me to where I want to be... frustrated, I end up back on Step 1, using it on my sanity!

Then, once I get back up to Step 10, using it on my sanity... the fog starts clearing... and as I follow the detailed instructions on pages 83 through 88, the right answers and the right actions seem to automatically start flowing again, and my problem gets solved.

Please remember... I'm talking about me... and how it works for me... with no reference to you, and how it might work for you. The only thing I know about anything... is my own experience, and that's really all that I can share... is my experience.

In the middle of page 83, I'm reminded that "The spiritual life is not a theory. I have to live it.

The last paragraph of page 83, reminds me "If I am painstaking about this phase of my development, I will be amazed before I am halfway through."

While I still had amends to make for my Step 9, that paragraph applied to my Step 9. Once I was finished with my original Step 9, I've used the paragraph to refer to my "spiritual life." And, more and more I experience the sentence on page 84, that shows me the reality of "I will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle me."

Usually, for me, what lets me know that I've gotten away from living the spiritual life... is something happens... a circumstance or situation... and I become disturbed by it.

Once I've been able to become aware that I am disturbed.... that tells me "I'm off my spiritual path." (For me, my Spiritual Path, is the 12 Steps).

Some people use the 12 Steps to remove their obsession and insanity in regards to alcohol... and that's as far as they go with it.

I've tried that before... and when I did, life was like a ping pong ball bouncing all over the place. Yep. Physically sober... but kind of nuts with a bunch of up and down cycles in my life!

After I made a decision to apply and keep practicing the 12 Steps as a "Way of Life" and a "Design for Living" and my "Spiritual Path"... Life really started to settle down... and the circumstances and situations no longer produced the disturbances.

What I discovered about myself, was... when I'm disturbed... I'm kind of blinded as to which way to turn, what to do next, or how to handle situations. Once the distrubance is gone... which way to turn, what to do next, and how to handle situations... seem to intuitively come to me.

That's why, when I refer to "foot work"... foot = Steps, and "foot work" = "Step Work" and "Step Work" = "The Path".

I hope I didn't give one of those long-fingered (I guess that's appropriately said, since I'm typing rather than talking) answers to a simple question. (Of course... if I take a second look at your statement... and I notice it's a period instead of a question mark... maybe you only made a comment rather than asking a question). "Intuitively" I believe it was a question... now, I get to check it out! :wink:

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As you now understand a little better

Postby 918gma » Mon May 15, 2006 6:28 am

My issue right now is willingness to go to any length to stay sober and removing all obstacles in the way of my being of service to my higher power. These are indeed the most challenging and difficult steps I have taken so far. I'm scared and full of guilt and remorse.
I have the willingness. I always have, I just never believed it would involve Kay.
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Postby 1dayatatime36 » Mon May 15, 2006 2:07 pm

Hello Kathy,
I sent you mail on this one, but again, my prayers are with you and Kay and your family..I do hope that all comes out ok..Your HP has some wonderful works in store for you, and you may not see them right now, but like with erica, i always wondered, "why would YOU do this to her or to us" why would YOU make us suffer like this" and in time, HE would let me see that HE was working miracles, because eachtime i would look back, after i got over the anger, the resentment, and the absolute fear, i then could see that what HE really was doing was working as only HE will, in HIS time, and HIS way..(and i wasn't even in recovery back then)..and the end result was, well, 18 and a half years later, she is still here with me when the dr's said she'd live to be 5 and 12 at the most..i hope you will continue to mail me if you need to..if i don't uderstand anything else, i do know what it is like to have a child with special needs..and although my child and kay's needs and worlds are different, we as mothers are still suffering through the same, and it isn't to say to mom's with qoute unquote, "normal" children(that was others favorite saying to me when they wanted to be kind) :wink: don't have any dilemmas or troubles with their children, it is just "different" when you have a child with special needs..You take care and God Bless..Tonya
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12 Step Alcohol and Drug Addiction Recovery | - It's not Fair