Hello everyone, fellow alcoholics and addicts...
My name is Melanie, and I am an alocholic and addict.
Upon a little prodding from a dear friend, I've decided to fully disclose my story in hopes that someone may find something within it that they can relate to..."hold on tight, its gonna be a bumpy ride"...
I was born in Houston, Texas to two Artists, named Bette and Mack. They were only nineteen when I was born but had been married since they were seventeen. Bette had been born on Thanksgiving, Mack on Christmas Day in 1950. My mother left before I was a year old. As part of her Step work, she admitted to me that she left because she was jealous of the attention I was recieving as "the new baby". That took a lot of balls on her part and as a result, we have never been closer. She has been recovered now for 18 years!!! She had, before that day, been the brunt of my most severe alcoholic rages, as I could never understand why she left. My father (who turned out to be gay) kept me until I was two and then left for the weekend for NYC and did not return for many years. So, I was then passed on to my grandparents until I was five. At that point, my great aunt and uncle stepped up to the plate and adopted me and I joined them and their other adopted son in Corpus Christi. Being so young, I did not understand the problems of the family that had come to "save" me. Kenneth (dad) was a violent and horribly abusive alcoholic and Sondra (mom) was a very bitter, lonely valium freak. She had chronic migraines and spent much of her time locked in her dark bedroom--leaving my brother and I to fend off my father's erratic behavior. By the time I was eight, I had become very talented at manipulating my dad, watching closely for the periods during his drunk when I knew I could approach him. There was always a small window of kindness(guilt?) in which I could ask for money, to stay the night over somewhere, or could ask if someone could come over (although most of my friends did not want to come over).
I left that "home" when I was 13 years old and went to live with my real dad who had now returned to Houston. By this time, I was smoking cigarettes and smoking pot regularly. I drank on occasion; however, after seeing Kenneth's behavior, I SWORE I WOULD NEVER DRINK LIKE HE DID. Ha!!! I was right too, I drank worse!! And on top of that I did any and all drugs I could get my hands on.
Mack soon put me in charge of selling dope to my friends by 14 years of age. I was allowed to smoke pot and drink socially but was not allowed to smoke cigarettes. Of course, my drinking escalated as I was already allergic. I was of the hopeless variety--I had no choice.
By the time I was 21, I was heavy into my drinking career. Some legal trouble had found Mack hiding out in Bisbee, Arizona, where I, of course had to be as he was all I had left. I loved him so very much. He had been the only person to hold my hand, hug me, encourage me in my Art, tell me I was beautiful. Besides the drinking and drugging, he was a wonderful man and father. The law caught up with Mack in Bisbee and he was extradited to Texas. I waited for him in Arizona as I knew he would be back somehow. On November 14, 1992, I got a call on the pay phone in the bar (because that was the only place I could be reached) from my grandmother informing me that my father had committed suicide and had been found dead in a motel room where he had lain for three days...my breath stopped and my heart began trying to force itself up through my throat...I died in that moment myself.
I could not believe he was dead so I took off hitchhiking to find him and, I think, to fill that void. I landed in New Orleans where I believed he had gone and it was there that my alcoholism and drug addiction was truly catered to, 24 hours a day. I spent 5 years there "looking" for my dad and nursing my addictions, making all the wrong friends and decisions...
So there it is...my real mother, Bette, and I are closer than ever, my real father is dead, Kenneth is still a very miserable alcoholic, and Sondra is still a very sad and lonely woman hooked on prescriptions (she has a lot more choices besides valium these days).
What I would like to say here is...for one thing, God Bless Dr. Silkworth for sharing with me the true nature of my disease. I would never have truly been able to take the First Step without his honest appraisal of the alcoholic/addict. Second, I would like to say that I spent many, many years hating myself and even God for the tragedies that occurred in my life...that occurred to an innocent child; they were not my bad decisions. Compassion , Grace, and thoughtful understanding are what have brought me to where I am today with those tragedies. For by the GRACE OF GOD, I know now that those things were not committed against me personally. They were committed by fallible human beings who were or are still suffering. I thank God everyday, sometimes more than once, for removing the anger and fear so that I can see clearly how I might be of help to them.
I know that many of you out there have suffered at the hands of others as well. I hope you find peace in knowing that you no longer have to suffer.
Love to you all and may God Bless...Melanie