Discussions related to 12 Step Recovery and Treatment
Hi, I'm JR. I've never been on a forum or chat room. All I've done is e-mail and I am barely computer literate. I would really like to give this a try.
My last drink/drunk was August 19, 2005. I've been drinking for a little less than 2 years, but it has become obvious that I cannot control my drinking no matter how much I would like to.
In Sept. of 1983 I returned to AA. I was 21 years old at the time, but was convinced of my powerlessness over alcohol. I was able to stay sober until Sept. of 2003. I was a few days short of having 20 years of sobriety when I decided to try some controlled drinking.
I immersed myself in the program for many years. I have gone through the steps with a sponsor many times; I have sponsored countless people and helped them with going through the steps. But, the bottom line for me is yesterdays sobriety doesn't keep me sober today.
I met and married a fellow AA in 1984 and we divorced in 1999. I started divorcing myself from AA in 1999 as well. I stopped going to meetings. I decided that I had nothing left to get from AA and nothing left to give to it.
I remember the last meeting I went to was a very large meeting of my home group. The room was filled with smoke. The speakers all sounded kind of crazy. I just said to myself that I was through with it. I cut myself completely off from the program.
I remarried a non-alcoholic in 2000. I tried to explain about alcoholism and why I didn't drink, but it is hard for a normal drinker to understand alcoholism unless they have been around it. We decided together that it would be okay for me to drink in 2003. We decided together that I am a total lunatic under the influence of alcohol during this experiment.
Once I take the first drink I have no control over my alcohol consumption.
So, I stopped going to meetings in 1999. Then at some point, I'm not sure when, I stopped praying. In fact I stopped relying on God period. And I certainly haven't been of service to anyone. So, it took a few years of allowing the disease to grow unchecked before I drank, but the disease did continue to grow and I drank because I wasn't taking care of business.
I haven't lost my marriage, yet. I haven't lost my job, yet. And I haven't gone to jail, yet. However, it has become clear to me that it is only a matter of time before there will be a price to pay.
I've read many of the entries on this site tonight. I have enjoyed your sharing. I really needed a meeting and it is tough to find one in the middle of the night. Thank you, thank you for being here.
I am leaving town for 2 weeks and won't have access to a computer. But, I have already printed out the meeting schedule for the town I'll be in and my Big Book is packed in my suitcase.
I've started praying again. But, I'm just keeping it simple with the serenity prayer and the third step prayer.
I'm really scared. I hate admitting that, but that is why I am admitting it. If I can drink after twenty years, what are my chances? I know I have to think 'One Day at a Time'.
Anyway, I guess that is all for now. I'll KCB if it's okay with you.
Last edited by JR
on Sun Oct 09, 2005 12:23 am, edited 1 time in total.
- Posts: 132
- Joined: Sun Aug 21, 2005 4:24 am
- Location: Pacific Northwest
JR, Thank you SO MUCH for sharing your experience with us on this site, and for Carrying The Message of both, Alcoholism and Alcoholics Anonymous!!! I am at least one of the oneâ€™s who needed to hear your story.
For the last 18 years in AA, I have seen it so many times, when those in front of me get tangled up again by our powerful, cunning and baffling disease.
Many newcomers and some old-timers think Iâ€™m crazy when I mention in most every meeting that I go to, that I am just as powerless now with 18 years sobriety that I was 18 years ago, and probably more powerless now!
I try to remind them and myself, Powerless of Alcohol, means Powerless When Iâ€™m Sober! All Iâ€™ve got to do is stop doing the things that keep me sober todayâ€¦ and I can drink just as easily as any alcoholic can drink today.
I know that your message was meant for me. It reminds me of what my problem is, and what the solution is. I hope that others will be inclined to also believe that your message is meant for them also. The most powerful message I hear, is from those who have been sober for a number of years, who took the 12 Steps, who had a Sponsor and Sponsored others, and were active in AAâ€¦ and they are reporting back to me that the disease has not changed. Itâ€™s still there and just waiting.
Welcome back. I donâ€™t know how hard, that it is, personally, after a person goes out who had many years of sobriety, because I have not gone back out there, yet. And, because most of them that Iâ€™ve known of that went out after years of sobriety never made it back at all,
Alcoholics Anonymous, the program of recovery in the book, has not changed. God has not changed. He still can and willâ€¦ if He is sought, through the 12 Steps. My heart really goes out to you friend. Iâ€™ll be more than happy to send you my phone number for the times that you canâ€™t go onlineâ€¦ if you want to talk to another alcoholic. You can call me at any hour on any day, and I will be most grateful to receive your call, and Iâ€™ll go to any lengths to help you. I know that by helping you, Iâ€™m really helping myself. So, donâ€™t hesitate to call, if you want the number!!!
Thank you so much for coming back and for sharing your story with us. You have definitely helped me.
- Site Admin
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- Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2005 9:05 pm
- Location: Fort Smith, Arkansas USA
Welcome to the forum JR and welcome back to AA. That saying 'once an alcoholic always an alcoholic' is true. There is no cure for alcoholism. The diabetic who takes insulin doesn't stop taking it after 20 years of having no symptoms. That's the way I look at AA. I am an alcoholic and am powerless over alcohol. It was that way 6 months ago and it will be that way 6 years from now. Leaving AA or taking a drink brings back all the old symptoms of the disease.
I'm so glad you have found your way back. That must be very hard but that's why we say at the end of every meeting 'keep comin back'. It's like falling off a horse, just get right back on and try again. You will love this forum. It is very supportive and although we don't have a huge membership yet we have a wide variety of experience and time. Dallas is a very supportive and generous man. If he say's he is willing to help then you can guarantee he is serious. He has always been there for me (hmmm, never offered me his phone number though LOL). And of course our regulars, Rusty, GMA, Kay and Cathy (sorry if I missed anyone) and of course me
. We are all here when you need us.
KEEP COMING BACK
HAPPY 24 HOURS
- Posts: 132
- Joined: Sun Jul 31, 2005 5:26 pm
- Location: Ontario, Canada
hey JR, nice to see that your fingers are doing the walking on the computer keyboard! lol "Welcome, Welcome, Welcome" give ya a holler when i have a bit more time. on my way to chair a Detox meeting! lots of attitude, and not much gratitude. but if just one person gets a glimmer of hope. its a job well done. keep coming back JR, and all good wishes to ya! Rusty, aka PC
- Posts: 371
- Joined: Fri Jul 29, 2005 11:19 pm
- Location: My Room in CT.
Thank you all so much. I only have a few minutes on this computer. I am out of town but have been attending meetings. I have been reading my Big Book. I have been praying. Also, I have been writing in my journal. When I get back I will give you all a full report.
Thank you for being on this site. I can't tell you how good it is to know your out there pulling for me.
- Posts: 132
- Joined: Sun Aug 21, 2005 4:24 am
- Location: Pacific Northwest
I'm sorry it has taken me so long to welcome you to the forum. I can totally relate to the frustration of not having a meeting right when you need one. This forum has helped me in that aspect as well.
I have tried to link myself to the program in every aspect of my life, which is some times challenging. But we said we would go to any lengths.
We as AA members come from all walks of life. All scheduals as well. Collect phone numbers of people that have the same schedual as you. They are out there. I for example, I work graveyards. I e-mail friends that work days, so that when I get to work I check my e-mails and there is some one from the program staring right in the computer screen. Great way to start any AAs. day.
Our Higher Power has all the anwsers, and remember as long as you are praying, he will show how he wants these problems solved.
I only know these things to be true and share them with you because they are things I constantly need to remind my self of.
You are welcome to drop in on my screen any time. I will always respond as soon as I can.
Hang in there buddy, you're not alone.
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