Outside influences turned inward for good measure

[melrose]

Hello everyone, fellow alcoholics and addicts...
My name is Melanie, and I am an alocholic and addict.

Upon a little prodding from a dear friend, I've decided to fully disclose my story in hopes that someone may find something within it that they can relate to..."hold on tight, its gonna be a bumpy ride"...

I was born in Houston, Texas to two Artists, named Bette and Mack. They were only nineteen when I was born but had been married since they were seventeen. Bette had been born on Thanksgiving, Mack on Christmas Day in 1950. My mother left before I was a year old. As part of her Step work, she admitted to me that she left because she was jealous of the attention I was recieving as "the new baby". That took a lot of balls on her part and as a result, we have never been closer. She has been recovered now for 18 years!!! She had, before that day, been the brunt of my most severe alcoholic rages, as I could never understand why she left. My father (who turned out to be gay) kept me until I was two and then left for the weekend for NYC and did not return for many years. So, I was then passed on to my grandparents until I was five. At that point, my great aunt and uncle stepped up to the plate and adopted me and I joined them and their other adopted son in Corpus Christi. Being so young, I did not understand the problems of the family that had come to "save" me. Kenneth (dad) was a violent and horribly abusive alcoholic and Sondra (mom) was a very bitter, lonely valium freak. She had chronic migraines and spent much of her time locked in her dark bedroom--leaving my brother and I to fend off my father's erratic behavior. By the time I was eight, I had become very talented at manipulating my dad, watching closely for the periods during his drunk when I knew I could approach him. There was always a small window of kindness(guilt?) in which I could ask for money, to stay the night over somewhere, or could ask if someone could come over (although most of my friends did not want to come over).
I left that "home" when I was 13 years old and went to live with my real dad who had now returned to Houston. By this time, I was smoking cigarettes and smoking pot regularly. I drank on occasion; however, after seeing Kenneth's behavior, I SWORE I WOULD NEVER DRINK LIKE HE DID. Ha!!! I was right too, I drank worse!! And on top of that I did any and all drugs I could get my hands on.
Mack soon put me in charge of selling dope to my friends by 14 years of age. I was allowed to smoke pot and drink socially but was not allowed to smoke cigarettes. Of course, my drinking escalated as I was already allergic. I was of the hopeless variety--I had no choice.
By the time I was 21, I was heavy into my drinking career. Some legal trouble had found Mack hiding out in Bisbee, Arizona, where I, of course had to be as he was all I had left. I loved him so very much. He had been the only person to hold my hand, hug me, encourage me in my Art, tell me I was beautiful. Besides the drinking and drugging, he was a wonderful man and father. The law caught up with Mack in Bisbee and he was extradited to Texas. I waited for him in Arizona as I knew he would be back somehow. On November 14, 1992, I got a call on the pay phone in the bar (because that was the only place I could be reached) from my grandmother informing me that my father had committed suicide and had been found dead in a motel room where he had lain for three days...my breath stopped and my heart began trying to force itself up through my throat...I died in that moment myself.
I could not believe he was dead so I took off hitchhiking to find him and, I think, to fill that void. I landed in New Orleans where I believed he had gone and it was there that my alcoholism and drug addiction was truly catered to, 24 hours a day. I spent 5 years there "looking" for my dad and nursing my addictions, making all the wrong friends and decisions...
So there it is...my real mother, Bette, and I are closer than ever, my real father is dead, Kenneth is still a very miserable alcoholic, and Sondra is still a very sad and lonely woman hooked on prescriptions (she has a lot more choices besides valium these days).
What I would like to say here is...for one thing, God Bless Dr. Silkworth for sharing with me the true nature of my disease. I would never have truly been able to take the First Step without his honest appraisal of the alcoholic/addict. Second, I would like to say that I spent many, many years hating myself and even God for the tragedies that occurred in my life...that occurred to an innocent child; they were not my bad decisions. Compassion , Grace, and thoughtful understanding are what have brought me to where I am today with those tragedies. For by the GRACE OF GOD, I know now that those things were not committed against me personally. They were committed by fallible human beings who were or are still suffering. I thank God everyday, sometimes more than once, for removing the anger and fear so that I can see clearly how I might be of help to them.
I know that many of you out there have suffered at the hands of others as well. I hope you find peace in knowing that you no longer have to suffer.

Love to you all and may God Bless...Melanie

[Dallas]

Hello Melanie,

Thank you for sharing your story, and your experience, strength and hope with us. You have a very powerful story and I’m sure that your adventures and your experiences will serve to help many who are struggling with, and struggling in, similar situations. And, it’s awesome that your mother is also in recovery.

Was it your mothers making amends that introduced you to A.A.?

I think it’s awesome that after so many years of difficult problems between the two of you, that you now have a good relationship with your mother. I’m sure that it was difficult for her, also, to be trying to stay sober, and knowing that one day she would have to come face to face with you, to face the actions of the past. And, it’s incredible that you’ve reached out with forgiveness to her. It really reinforces my belief in the power of the 12 Steps to changes lives for the better, and that they truly are a gift to us, from a Loving and Merciful Power Much Greater than ourselves.

Thank you for sharing, Melanie.

Each and every day, a few hundred people surf through the forums here at Step12.com, searching for answers to their problems, looking for solutions that have worked for others, and looking for something to give them hope that there really is a solution to their problems, or for the problems that face their family members, their fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, and friends. Some, will have questions, such as “Okay, Whoop-de-do! I hear all this stuff about recovery... and Higher Power, and all that stuff... but, is it really working for anyone? What are the real results?â€

[melrose]

Thanks for letting me share, Dallas.

As a matter of fact, my mother's work did not bring me to AA. After I was brought to my knees by my addiction, I brought myself in--tail between my legs, heart on my sleeve.
Unfortunately for my mother, who tried very hard to bring me into the program, I continued to drink long into her sobriety. I know this was a painful situation for her to witness. As we all know, it can be devastating to watch someone we love kill themselves with no hope on the horizon. That describes my situation pretty accurately...
Working the Steps, my Higher Power, and regular Moral Inventory has indeed made me reborn. Today I am free.

Thank you all for bearing with me and my long winded sessions...

Sincerely, Melanie

[Rusty Zipper]

hiya Mel, thank you so, so much for shareing your story. and Happy Anniversary to AA. ... because of this your here. and yes, we no longer have to suffer. today my #1 sponsee had to tell me early this morning his lady passed on from this disease. heart failure , we know better. your story will help someone, and your job as messenger is carried on.... keep at it Mel .... all good wishes, and give only love, ... xxoo, Rusty

[melrose]

Hey there Rusty,
Thank you for the comments. It felt really good to share. I am so very sorry for your #1 Sponsee; this is a time when someone MUST fully rely on God (FROG) to get them through. My heart is so heavy for him. He will certainly be in my prayers...

And thank you, sincerely, for referring to me as Mel. It is what I prefer to be called.

Melxxx

[Tina L.]

melrose im glad u r here with us.

welcome 2 u. keep coming back.

tina xoxoxo