Good relationships in recovery?

A discussion of topics about relationships in Recovery
Site Admin
Posts: 4830
Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2005 9:05 pm

Good relationships in recovery?

Postby Dallas » Sun Aug 07, 2005 6:58 am

Good relationships in recovery?

Okay, we hear a lot about the bad relationships in recovery. I would like to hear from some of you who have good relationships in recovery.

Most important, please share with us specifically what you do that makes your relationship so good!

It’s your turn to share!



To post a reply here you’ll need to be a Registered User.

If you are a Registered User, just log in and click the reply to topic icon on the left.

If you are not registered, registration is easy and free.

Just click the Register link at the top of the page. You’ll receive a confirmation email at the email address that you use to register with a link to activate your User account.

As a Registered User you can create new topics and reply to topics already posted. You will also be able to contact other users, and be contacted by other users on the site with Private Messages and Email.

Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2005 11:59 pm

Postby sunshine » Wed Aug 24, 2005 12:19 am

Hello all,
I couldnt resist the topic..
I came into recovery a few years ago and wasnt even thinking of a relationship.. I been there and done that.. 17 years worth, I was married to a alkie and was a alkie myself. When I came into the rooms I was finally on my own again and needed to get to know who I was. I had alot of fixin to do on me first before I could even begin to think of conflicting myself on another human being.
When I finally thought I was ready I learned quickly I wasnt.. Quess thats the reason why they suggest we wait at least a year huh? LOL Well after I STOPPED thinking of findin someone and began to focus on just werking my program and leaving my life in Gods hands things began to change..
When I wasnt looking I found that that special person.. A person that I was blessed enough to find in the rooms.. One werkin his on program and lives the steps instead of just quoting them..
It's been 2 years now for us and my life is like the promises says... beyond my wildest dreams.. We werk our sepreate programs but are able to support each other and love each other while still allowin each other the freedom of werkin our own prgrams..
I dont think I could be with someone not in the rooms.. As my B/f was sayin the other day.. those not in the rooms dont think like us.. we dont have the same things in common and I cant see how I could relate to a "normie" anymore.. Thanks for the topic.. Im glad I found this site..

Posts: 132
Joined: Sun Jul 31, 2005 5:26 pm

Postby crickit » Wed Aug 24, 2005 12:30 am

Thanks for your post sunshine. I am recently seperated and have hopes for someday meeting someone to share my life with. Your story gives me hope. I'm no where near starting over with someone else yet but I know by working the program I'll be ready when the right person comes along.

Thanks for sharing

BTW--Welcome to the forum :D

Site Admin
Posts: 4830
Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2005 9:05 pm

Postby Dallas » Wed Aug 24, 2005 4:06 pm

I was surprised to see that it took so long for us to find one person who has a good relationship in recovery!!!

Congratulations on your good relationship Sunshine!!! Best wishes to you. It would be nice if you share how you make your relationship so good. You know... details and examples that we can all learn from.

I have some good relationships, thanks to God, AA, my Sponsor, my friends in AA, and most of all... to my dog!

My dog really is my best friend. And, I've learned how to be a best friend to her. To be responsible. Caring. Loving, And, dependable.

That didn't come easy. I tried getting a dog during my first year sober... and I just wasn't ready for it. I had thought that surely, I could be responsible enough to maintain a healthy attitude and home for a puppy.

If you would have seen me then, I was probably acting like a single parent with 12 kids!!!! "Oh what an order!"

It took time. But, now after several years sober, I have matured enough to be a good dog parent and best friend!!!

Thanks for letting me share!


Al S.
Posts: 7
Joined: Tue Aug 02, 2005 11:18 pm

Postby Al S. » Wed Aug 24, 2005 8:29 pm

Hello there, 14 years sober, 10 years in a wonderful relationship, 5 years married. Why do we have a great relationship? Because the book tells me to practice these principals in all my affairs. It's that simple.

I was busy taking a good solid look at myself and learning how to put the steps into my life, attending a lot of meetings, constantly spending time with my sponsor, attending step meetings, involved in service work, living within a AA bubble and loving every minute of it. Never missed or even considered getting serious about a relationship.

Then along came Kim. We met by chance while enjoying a coffee in a park one afternoon. We became friends, we talked for hours, as if we had known each other for years. By the way, Kim is not in the program. She is one of those people that has wonderful qualities without the program, a normie ... lol

We started dating, I explained that I was in AA , she started meeting my AA friends and loved them from the start, we moved in together, out of curiosity she attends some open meetings with me, we eventually got married, we have never had an argument, not saying we have never been frustrated or angry with each other we just don't argue about things, we talk, we compromise, we care for each others feelings. All things learned from practicing the 12 steps in all my affairs.

The most important thing that makes our relationship work. We don't sit around discussing our relationship or analyzing every little thing. We live it, we enjoy it, we work on it by working on ourselves and not trying to change the other. What a concept ... lol

This is a program of action, we can sit around discussing it all we want but the truth is we have to do it, work it, walk the walk, not just talk the talk. Discussing the 12 steps gives us an opportunity to learn how to use them but knowledge is not enough. It's all about action and bringing AA into our home is the answer to our relationship.

Love every moment of sobriety and it is all because of the people in AA teaching me how to work the steps in all my affairs which puts my dependence on my higher power. Without God in my life I am nothing and there would be no wonderful relationship.

Anyway, that's how it works for us.
Al S.

Site Admin
Posts: 4830
Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2005 9:05 pm

Good relationships

Postby Dallas » Wed Aug 24, 2005 9:40 pm

Thank you Al S. ! Congratulations to you and Kim! I am so glad that you shared your experience with a good relationship in recovery! And, you took the time to specifically tells what you were doing that made the relationship so good!

I’ve always been a believer in the concept of “If there is something I want in life… Find a good AA Member who has it… and ask them how they do or did it… and the answers will come!â€

Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2005 11:59 pm

Postby sunshine » Fri Aug 26, 2005 3:10 pm

Hey there,
Im not sure what makes it werk so well.. Maybe because we are both in the program, both stay active and put our recovery first, practice the steps and traditions in all our affairs...
We actually met in a AA chat room, I KNOW I KNOW!! usually doesnt werk out.. I think the funny thing was neither of us were LOOKIN for a relationship.. so it just developed as God wanted it to be..
We think of others before ourselves.. that makes a huge difference.. We both carry a attitude of gratitude for what we do have and always look at the positives in life.. most important we live each day one day at a time..
It werks for us.. we live a pretty serene life and dont seem to struggle of lil things.. We have fun together and laugh with each other and even at ourselves on occasion.. I know I'm blessed and am very thankful that my HP who I chose to call God lead me to this wonderful person.
I have a sponsor and werk the steps daily.. weather at werk or just relatin to others.. He has a sponsor and does the same.. we are honest and willin to learn new things and the combination of these things makes life pretty simple.. thanks again for bein here .. with AA respect and love.. ill get off the soap box lol (i just love talkin about how much i love this program)!!

Al S.
Posts: 7
Joined: Tue Aug 02, 2005 11:18 pm

Postby Al S. » Sat Aug 27, 2005 2:40 pm

Seems you didn't miss a thing Dallas
One thing my sponsor said to me from the time I entered the rooms.
AA is a design for living that works
If you work it.
Found that to be so true

Posts: 285
Joined: Fri Jul 29, 2005 4:25 pm

When I think of relationships

Postby 918gma » Sun Dec 11, 2005 2:32 am

Every time I see this topic I shy away, thinking this ones not for me. A relationship is not what I have, need, or want right now.

But the fact of the matter is I do have a good relationship right now and it's with my kids.

I recently developed some health issues that have caused my to slow way down and take a serious look at my insanity and how I run my life. Operative word being "I run". Needless to say my HP put me in my place.

Because of that I have had to depend heavily on my family, to help me out. I don't know how it happened but through it all I ended up with some amazing Kids. I have truly been blessed. We have a good relationship. We work on it, by keeping communication open and expectations down. I live by my HP advice, and take all my troubles to him.

I agree that relationships take work and effort, but it's so worth it. Without them I would be lost. It's the same with my new friends if I don't talk and put out the effort to keep in touch, and let them know whats going on, it causes worry and hurt feelings. Then that evil word that we all dread (resentment) bares is ugly head and then we are headed south

So when you think about relationships, broaden your horizons and count your blessings. I think you too will discover that you have more than you could have hoped for.

Posts: 10
Joined: Wed Aug 03, 2005 10:44 pm

Relationships - the biggy

Postby Sam » Wed Jan 04, 2006 2:02 am

The short response to this post is HOW: Honesty, Openmindedness and Willingness.

The long response is as follows:

For me, the measure of a successful life is quality real relationships of all flavours.....

Every successful relationship I have ever had, whether it be with the guy at the corner store, fellow car drivers who do things that I do not like, my wife, my son, my mother and my father (maybe not that successful but still...), my boss, people who I work with etc, are all based on the same basic principles.

Honesty, Openmindedness and Willingness. The HOW of life.

Much easier said than done!

However, I guess this thread is about 'that special one' so I'll focus on the one with my current wife.

There is major ingredient in this relationship that is not necessary in many of my other relationships:
* my partner also lives by these same basic principles.

I can handle a relationship with a boss who is not very tolerant, is abusive etc etc (I can choose to leave that relationship too!) but I don't think I could handle those characteristics in a spouse (I would have to leave).

Besides that big difference - the basic ingredients are the same for all my relationships - and they have nothing to do with the other person.

The step references I have made below are pretty vague - most of the steps can be applied in some way to all of these points. The HOWs apply to all of them to some degree, HONESTY (being open with my spirit) applies to all of them to a major degree - it is crucial. It can be very scarey but it is crucial.

* Own my own stuff (steps 1 and 4)
* Stay on my side of the street (this does not mean doing a 5th with the other person)
* If my blood starts to boil, walk away from the situation and think / talk about it with others to get clearer (rather than react) (not sure what step this is - certainly 11 at least)
* Listen to the other person (this is _not_ the same as "waiting to have my say" - steps 6 and 7)
* Learn that my partner is not me and will never be me (thank God) and that there will always be differences and that there's nothing wrong with that - don't try to change her mind - just listen
* Revisit a conversation with the other person if I have become clearer on the topic (sometimes what I thought were my values turn out to be the same old garbage rehashed) (step 10).
* Be willing to talk about what I am feeling even if I do not know why I am feeling it.
* There's no right or wrong answer.
* Yesterday's solution may not apply today.
* Be willing to "let go of old ideas" on a daily basis (I don't just mean what I was like when drinking - I mean what I was thinking yesterday).
* Be Respectful (really this is a result of most of the others - but it's worth stating).

The most remarkable outcome of honesty in my relationships - especially "intimate" ones - is just that, intimacy.

But, as I have heard in the rooms many times "into me see" (intimacy) is about the scariest place I can be in life. That said, I am contnually assured through experience that "Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake".

There are many instances in my life where I believe I have "made a mistake", or I have said something embarrassing etc only to find out later that the end result is much much better than I could have planned.

Return to “Relationships in Recovery”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest