tender v. tough

Help for alcohol abuse addiction alcoholics who want to stay sober
anniemac
Posts: 409
Joined: Mon Apr 17, 2006 3:42 pm
Location: Long Island, NY

tender v. tough

Postby anniemac » Tue Aug 01, 2006 1:23 pm

A friend called me last night. She is not an alcoholic but her nephew is. He's in early recovery and it's been a great struggle for him to not pick up a drink.

My friend and her sister (the mom of the nephew) were up at their mom's, where the nephew has a bedroom because he visits frequently. He hasn't been up there in a few months. They went in his room to change the sheets, air the room out, etc. The nephew has other disabilities that makes that difficult for him.

They encountered about 30 quart-bottles of beer, most empty, some with a bit left in them, and a few still full.

She called to ask me if they should clean up the bottles for him, or to wait until he's up there in 2 weeks for a family get-together and have him do it himself.

I saw both sides of that coin. The first thought was that he should not be enabled, and should be made responsible to "clean up his messes" in all areas of his life.

However, since he is really struggling to hang on to sobriety, and with his disabilities cleaning up a physical mess is difficult for him, I also thought it might be out and out cruel to leave the task for him. Especially because some of the bottles still had beer in them, and it would not be feasible to bring an AA friend with him since it is out of town and a family weekend.

I ended up telling her both of those thoughts and said that there probably is no right or wrong answer, just different methods, and to go with their gut, knowing him better than I do.

What would you have said??




Dallas
Site Admin
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Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2005 9:05 pm
Location: Fort Smith, Arkansas USA

Postby Dallas » Tue Aug 01, 2006 2:58 pm

I would have told her to call you!!! :lol: :lol:

Rusty Zipper
Posts: 371
Joined: Fri Jul 29, 2005 11:19 pm
Location: My Room in CT.

Postby Rusty Zipper » Wed Aug 02, 2006 11:36 am

annie ... IMO, if the kid has the capability to lift a bottle up and drink it. the kid can clean up the mess...

ewee! , it must stink up there!

agw & gol, ....................... Zip :wink:

anniemac
Posts: 409
Joined: Mon Apr 17, 2006 3:42 pm
Location: Long Island, NY

Postby anniemac » Thu Aug 03, 2006 8:29 pm

thanks, guys...after I posted, I did begin to think that him cleaning it up would be the best. don't know yet what the outcome was, though.....




Rusty Zipper
Posts: 371
Joined: Fri Jul 29, 2005 11:19 pm
Location: My Room in CT.

Postby Rusty Zipper » Fri Aug 04, 2006 2:31 am

annie, if ya find out what transpired, let us know if you would... thanks..

agw & gol............................... Zip

anniemac
Posts: 409
Joined: Mon Apr 17, 2006 3:42 pm
Location: Long Island, NY

Postby anniemac » Fri Aug 04, 2006 4:35 pm

Spoke with my friend today....

They did the physical cleaning of the room, tidying things up.

However, they piled all the beer bottles on top of the dresser and left them there.

When the newphew is there next week with the rest of the family, the father will accompany the newphew in there, to dispose of the garbage and to dump the beer.

They wanted to find a balance with responsiblity for his actions and not shaming him. They felt this was it.

Rusty Zipper
Posts: 371
Joined: Fri Jul 29, 2005 11:19 pm
Location: My Room in CT.

Postby Rusty Zipper » Fri Aug 04, 2006 9:08 pm

annie, how's things?

thanks for the dirt.

Hmm! ... seems like an alright solution... clever huh?


agw & gol, ................................ Zip

squawkbox wally
Posts: 5
Joined: Sat Aug 26, 2006 1:31 am
Location: South Texas

Postby squawkbox wally » Mon Aug 28, 2006 2:40 am

They wanted to find a balance with responsiblity for his actions and not shaming him. They felt this was it.


I hate to be an old curmudgeon but I cannot help but wonder if a little shame now might preclude the shame the boy may be headed for later. :?:

Just a thought.

By the grace of God I am sober today. :D
Wally

Dale R.
Posts: 14
Joined: Sat Aug 12, 2006 3:48 pm
Location: Area 59, District 49, Northeastern Pennsylvania

Postby Dale R. » Tue Aug 29, 2006 11:58 pm

I think I would have disposed of all of the mess, but made the kid well aware of the situation. Its hard enough for the kid to stay sober, and you guys want to rub his face in it. I agree, that he should not be enables, but both sides need to give. The kid is still sick. Let him heal a while. If he has a different disease, you would probably cater to him.

squawkbox wally
Posts: 5
Joined: Sat Aug 26, 2006 1:31 am
Location: South Texas

Postby squawkbox wally » Wed Aug 30, 2006 12:13 am

Greetings Dale

I can only speak for myself. At any place in my "early" drinking before I "lost" control I cannot help but wonder if a bit of tough love mixed with some shame might have sent me down a different path. Maybe, maybe not. I learned how manipulate early on.

Again it is just a thought.

I am sober today by the Grace of God and for that I am grateful. :D
Wally



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