A discussion of topics related to relationships in recovery and treatment
Iâ€™ve been in a long-term relationship with someone and I want to be out of it but Iâ€™m not sure what to do and how to end it without hurting their feelings. Itâ€™s a good person weâ€™re just very different. I feel like my life is on hold. I would rather be alone. They cry when I talk of leaving. Itâ€™s a loving person but Iâ€™m not in love with the person. Itâ€™s a kind person. Iâ€™m more the independent type and I want to move on and they are the more dependant type and they keep thinking it will eventually workout.
What do I do?
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Welcome to the site Sleepless.
One thing for sure.... if you continue doing what you're doing in your situation and circumstance.... you will most likely remain Sleepless.
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Sleepless and now there is Hope for you!
I just looked at this thread and thought that was cute. Sleepless Dallas and Hope! No harm intended gang. Just trying to keep a smile. I wish I had 2 cents worth of suggestions to offer but relationships never were one of my strong points. May be I'm not alone. It doesn't look like too many ideas from others are being offered here either. Hang in there. As I read in another message the right answer will come when it's time. Hugs to you all!
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I know the feeling of doing things (or not doing things) out of not wanting to hurt anyone. I had some issues in my marriage and was having a very difficult time deciding to leave. I kept saying to my sponsor: "but he means well - how can I leave someone who is trying so hard?" and she said something like, "only God knows what is best for him. Maybe by you sticking around for him and forcing things to remain as they always have been, is limiting him - maybe if you step out of the way the Universe will have other plans for him. You don't know what's best for him; keep the focus on yourself."
Ultimately, and it took a while, I retained a divorce attorney and told my husband that he would be contacted by the lawyer. He asked if it was too late for us to try marriage counseling. I thought it was, but went anyway, figuring the Courts would think better of me for having tried to reconcile.
It is now 15 months later, I cancelled the divorce, my husband has made changes, I am finally seeing my part in all of this, and we are working this out.
I know your situation is different, but my point is, that none of that would have unfolded if I was too afraid to leave him because it would have hurt him. it's not my job to maintain the status quo for others - I don't know what's best for them. Damn, I don't even know what's best for ME, that's why we have a Step 3.
Just my 2 cents......and that's about what it's worth!
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- Joined: Mon Apr 17, 2006 3:42 pm
- Location: Long Island, NY
i wish i had 2 cents worth of suggestions to offer you but i dont have any. it has been 2 hard to keep the fog out of my own head to be figuring out how to deal with someone elses head at the same time. so far i have been able to stay out of getting in a relationship. i need to stay out of relationships for now until i get healthy and learn how to live life on lifes terms. i wouldnt have anything to offer in a relationship now and anything someone else was offering in a relationship now would be a distraction to my recovery. some day this will probably change for me because this too shall pass.
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- Joined: Sat Aug 20, 2005 5:05 am
- Location: Santa Monica, California
My name is Anne
, I'm an alcoholic,
Fear of change was what was keepin' me miserable...keepin' me sick, & further...keepin' my addiction rollin', even tho' I wasn't pickin' up. Stayin' led to me pickin' up...I was bein' dishonest w/ myself, makin' all the excuses & justifyin' my efforts in stayin'. The day come when--the moment come where I could no longer deny what was goin' on in front-a my eyes--I'd talked myself into bein' blind to what would/could--did--eventually happen. I left, took the kids & got out...seperated fir 3 months. I was bein' weak by not leavin'...sometimes there's comfort in what is, even tho' we don't like what is. Question to ponder: how does this affect my sobriety--my recovery? Long run...it woke him up to a truth by no longer bein' able to tolerate where I was. Pray about it & wait fir God's Hand to move ya. My lesson was that I
was tryin' to figure out what to do--woe is me--played the victim. After 3 months...we started workin' things out w/ a different foundation...my part had to change, too. Leavin' sounds so permanent, & that's what's frightenin'...sometimes--not always--but sometimes what seems permanent turns out not to be. A 'hiatus'...step back outta the picure-frame.
I heard somethin' last night about fear...the best way to get rid-a fear is action
. The moment'll come when you'll just know
Easy Does It,
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- Joined: Mon Nov 21, 2005 8:11 am
- Location: alberta
I'm Debbie and I'm a Alaoholic,
I have been reading alot in the forum and I see alot about relationship in and out of the program, my question is not about relationships with the opposite sex, its about others in AA, the ones who have childish fits in meetings, or are rude to others at the meetings after the meetings, who are racist, or slam women, or who gossisip. I try to treat people as I want to be treated and to remember we are all Gods children and not be judgemental, but some of things that go on are offensive and not the way I want to work my program, so I dont go to some meetings, and I dont go to the meetings after the meetings if certin people go. Now it seems I am getting a resentment, because I feel like people who offend me in the way I believe is a general right and wrong in the way we treat people, is keeping me from enjoying the fellowship of the program. I'm not saying I'm a saint, God knows I have offened my share of people, but calling people fat, or telling blacks they need to go to their own meeting, or telling me what someone said in a meeting I wasnt there for etc.. is crossing the line for me. How do we help others when I dont even want to be arround them? I do pray about this and I try to remember that we are all sick, and no one is perfect, but it still seems to be a problem, I wouldnt sit next to some of these people in a bar, so how do I become ok with them in my sobrity? I try hard for the light that God has given me to shine, but at time it feels like the people arround me are blocking it. I should also say that I only have a little over a month in the program.
Any experience, strength and hope would be appriciated.
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- Joined: Thu Jun 21, 2007 12:22 pm
- Location: Silverton, Co
I see that you're from the same neck of the woods as Dallas. I know he's had a few choice experiences to share here about those with "sobriety" but are not the kindest or nicest in the bunch.
It takes some time, but the best thing to do is look in the mirror first. Is there anything I can do to change my attitude toward others - especially those that seem unloveable. Sometimes the best thing for you to do is not to attend those meetings where there are negative people. It's more important for you not to get resentful, so if you're finding yourself stewing on the inside, the first thing you have to do is to pray for those you don't like to be around because it's the only thing that can make you free of the "bondage of negativity". After that, you may need to make changes in your meetings and avoid the "dumps" where the only thing that has changed in sobriety is a person's breath.
There's a club around here where a whole bunch of alcoholics and addicts that go to meetings. The people are like you described, and their sobriety is not something attractive to me. They dress like users, they talk like users, they even talk about "fun times" when they drank or got high. For me, I avoid those types of meetings and people because eventually they are going to go out again. Sometimes you hear we're supposed to "change playmates" and "change playgrounds". Well the people at that club up here don't want to change playgrounds or playmates. The only thing they changed was their breath.
See I don't go to meetings where there are lots of drug addicts that attend because I wasn't a drug addict and I can't identify or relate to their stories. A lot of times, there are A.A. meetings I go to where the speaker gets deep into drug use. Now a A.A. meeting is supposed to be done with singleness of purpose, so the leads and comments are supposed to be direct to alcoholics and not addicts. But at that club and other meetings around town, they don't respect singleness of purpose and talk about dope anyway. When I'm at one of those meetings, I was taught that it's my job to bring it up that it's AA, not NA or CA, and singleness of purpose needs to be followed.
It took me many years to get up enough courage to comment like that without being mean, but getting to the point because if there is an alcoholic at the meeting, he might need to hear that he's where he's supposed to be and that is in a AA meeting. But those folks don't take kindly to "singleness of purpose" and they donwright get mad at me and they'll "counter comment" saying it don't matter if its drugs or alcohol. Then they get a bunch that will applaud them because they think there's something wrong with me - but I know there isn't. Its one of those things where the "majority rule" is going in the wrong direction.
I don't let myself get counted in with them if I happen to be at a meeting where that happens, and I do comment. But if I know its "that kind of place", I just don't go to the meeting to start with so I avoid appearing like I enjoy a confrontation. Now I'm not saying that addicts are "bad". I just know that drug addiction and alcoholism are not the same thing. And I can't identify with drug addicts. You could say the same thing about racism too. I wouldn't want to be at a place that was racist, and you can count on me commenting about it if I stumbled in accidentally.
I know you're new, so don't expect people to change on account of them measuring up to your ideals - even if they are clear wrong. Just follow along the lines of the Serenity prayer. You can only change Debbie, and sometimes that alone takes a lot of doing. But don't punish yourself by going around a place with a bad reputation - your job right now is to work a program that will give you a solid and good way of living clean and sober. If you can't see yourself hanging around these people now, outside the meetings, sharing fellowship and helping out, then don't. It's that simple. Maybe in a year or two, you'll visit again and find out that you were the one who needed to change and not them.
Then maybe you'll see that you were right all along and you won't go back again. I've had to change groups and meetings many times. It's just where I was being led by my Higher Power. I changed a home group a while back. I loved the group, but then it seemed to get intolerant and I switched. I went back there last week, and I saw that the change I made was right. The group had got narrow minded and their attendance was down. I realized that I couldn't "fit in" even if I wanted to. There was no resentments and no hard feelings for me. I just didn't belong there anymore and that was that.
They say don't put a question mark where God puts a period. That made sense to me last week.
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- Location: Ohio
I agree - if you don't like the quality of the sobriety in certain meetings, by all means go to different meetings. I know in some areas there aren't so many choices -- I am blessed to live in a county with meetings morning, noon and night every day of the week. AA is a microcosm of the general population -- some people are not as kind as others. I presume that they are working the program to the best of their ability at that moment in time, but I don't have to subject myself to what I find offensive.
As for the rude and ignorant comments, I learned in sobriety to speak up for what I think is right. I spent far too many years staying quiet when I hear unjust remarks for fear of upsetting the apple cart. I feel that as a sober woman I have a responsibility to speak up for justice. That's just my opinion - others may say it's all outside issues and none of my business. But much of that talk is based in ignorance. And not that I have the personal power to education everyone in the world, speaking up does not hurt, and may help.
I chaired a meeting where a mentally ill man used to share about some irrelevant stuff such as space aliens and UFO's, but he kinda wove it in to his recovery talk, so it was in a bizarre way "on topic". One day a guy next to me chastised me for calling on this man - he thought the guy should just be ignored. I told him that we all have a right to be there and to be heard, and that we never know from whom we'll hear something important; that God can choose the oddest messengers. And that by calling on the guy, I helped myself, by doing a little bit of God's work.
Pray for those folks, to be healed of whatever ails them that causes them to behave in such a manner. It may not help them, but it will help you.
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