2 people I love lost to alcohol...

Alcoholics and Addicts in 12 Step Programs sharing their personal recovery stories with hope to help others who alcoholics and addicts who want to recover using the 12 Steps.
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Joined: Mon Sep 25, 2006 1:22 am

2 people I love lost to alcohol...

Postby Paradigm13 » Mon Sep 25, 2006 6:46 am

I figured I'd share my story here, though i'm not an alcoholic I had a mother that was one, and just lost my gf that is one..

My Mother:

My mother was a pretty decent mother, full of love at least that I remember to me. I just remember her at the age of 7 watching her stare out the window at nothing smoking away at her cigarette...she just looked so empty, she was a pretty quiet women.

I'm not sure if it was due to lonliness or what she started drinking and partying it up when my dad was working in some camp. My dad would always come back and have to hunt her down, hear lies about how she went to the movies and see her leaving with some guy at a bar. He even at one point said he chased her down in his car with a gun and told her to get out and into his car. Living with her really drove my dad over the edge. He told me he had to keep buying her beer just to keep her home and satisfied and not want to go out.

I remember one night waking up with a friend staying over and he was all excited that my parents were fighting. I went out to see what was going on and my dad was in the process of putting her head through a cupboard and there was blood all over....it was pretty sad.....

Anyhow the last memory I have of her was one morning she was up early and on the phone. I was so excited because she looked....healthy? or maybe I thought she was quiting drinking. I made her breakfast in bed and went off to my friends house in a good mood, only to find that was the last time I would ever see her.

The Girlfriend:

I met this great girl, i was attracted to her right away...but I knew she had a bf so I kept that to myself. Anways she started working where I was working and she waited for me and told me " I told my friend that I would drop my bf for you in a heartbeat"...I was flattered, anyhow things happened and we ended going out, she broke up with her bf and moved in with me..

I knew she liked ot drink but I didnt realize the extent of it or how flirty and a lush she was when she did drink...one night I did find out and I broke up with her saying things wouldnt work out that I couldnt handle the drinking things. She cried and said how drinking had ruined her life and I agreed to take her back on terms she would quit drinking and drugs, get councelling and finally go to treatment.


Things went pretty good for awhile....she tended to be very cold when we were going to break up, she'd tell me she never loved me and hurtfull things, she would change into another person, but I got used to it. She cried one night saying I've never had someone like you who talks to me about things, never hits me or hurts me and we tell eachother everything and don't have to lie...she said she was scared to get so close to me cause she always f's up good things but I reasured her I had faith in her. A few times I tried to help her to face her emotions without drinking...just to listen to music and think about her decieced father, we cried together and held eachother...thats the one time I felt closest to her.


She had a cellphone in which she told me before she would talk to exes and had alot of male friends and I was fine with it, and I honestly was...for awhile. It wasnt till the times we'd break up she'd phone one of her exes right away...she'd get calls and have to go out of the immediate area if i was close by, and i usually found out it was exes she was talking to...this was the trust started breaking down..


At one point she went to visit her family, she said she was only going there and back, which I knew wasnt true because it was late already...but I thought no, let her make her own choices. Anyhow she phoned me at 4am, drunk as drunk can be, crying her heart out saying she wished she never went there and kept asking if I was mad...I said, no just disapointed and she wanted me to come get her, which I couldnt.

She was there for 4 nights, around the 3rd night she stopped calling me. I got worried of course so I got her mom to call there and she finally called. She said " you know how we talk about things right? " " well i passed out on the couch and my ex was here and I guess my relatives gave him sh@T cause he was kissing my neck" .....not sure why but I believed her.

Later when she got home she told me, she had hickeys on her neck. She said after that I remember leaving the house then I blacked out and then when i woke up he was there....my heart was crushed....I was pretty much numb the rest of the day..

I took her back again...maybe in denial thinking it's just the alcohol she doesnt mean to do these things. I asked her straight out one day, do you really love me? then why do you hurt me on a daily basis, I can't take it anymore...if it wasnt talking to exes on the phone it was threatening me she would go drink, that I was too controlling ect..Later that day she looked at me and said " I don't want to hurt you anymore" and I sincerly believed it and started to let my guard down again.


She was having a rough day one day and I made the mistake of saying if you want to smoke up, go ahead, i know this is tough for you and that might help your cravings. She was ok for awhile but it ended up bringing her back to her old social circle. Eventually it got to the point of where the last two times she didnt even come home, didnt even call and thats when I kicked her out of my apartment.. She was hanging out with her exes mom, and she had been talking to that ex alot before that time, so it didnt sit well with me and I couldnt take the pain of wondering if she was ok or what was going on.


I didnt talk to her for about 4 days after that except to chat about picking up things here. It came to me that if she really wanted to change her lifestyle it would be better for her to make the choice. I went to see her at work in the morning...right away I could see she was still drunk from the night before....she said " yeah we drank alot lastnight" " I smiled and said " yeah I know I can see it in your face" she said " nooo i'm just tired" and I laughed...after that she asked if I could smell it on her breath.

We talked about how we missed eachother and that she drank since we broke up and kept saying I didnt drink that night I didnt come home..." I said well I didnt break up for that reason it was because you lost respect for me that you couldnt even call me, and I just couldnt handle the pain of that anymore" To make a long story short I gave her a note just to give her two choices, either to come back to me, i'd help her get through her addictions, take her to aa, counceling, even church, which i'm no so fond of but was willing....or she could go back to her old life....and that I wanted to give her the choice this time and if she didnt show up that night that I would finally let go..

Well she didnt end up showing up so I guess she had decided. They say if you love something let it go and thats what I did.

It seems like a dream when I think of it. I never realized till now what my dad had went through. I've never been so hurt from one person in my life ...I feel like our relationship was 10 years! I can really feel for all those affected by alcoholism, not only people living with it, but who are. I know my gf was in alot of pain from the past and she used drinking to numb her feelings and emotions. Even though our relationship is ended I think I need some counceling, it's been a rough ride and I just want to sit and cry for a day straight if i could to get it all out...anyhow thanks for listening to my story..

I'm just curious if I handled things poorly with her and any advice or comment would be appreciated....

Thanks, jason

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Postby Dallas » Mon Sep 25, 2006 7:27 am

Hello Jason,

Thank you for posting your personal story here at Step12.com Many times, some of us alcoholics do not even have a clue how our drinking is hurting those who love us and care about us. Sometimes, we alcoholics do love those who care about us as much as they love us, but when our drinking has progressed into alcoholism we become very sick people, and incapable of returning the love.

My heart reaches out to yours in your personal experiences.

I feel that my best suggestion to you, would be to contact Al-Anon, which is an organization just like A.A., however it is specifically for helping friends and families of alcoholics. I'll send you a link to their website in a private message to you.

For over 50 years, Al-Anon (which includes Alateen for younger members) has been offering hope and help to families and friends of alcoholics. It is estimated that each alcoholic affects the lives of at least four other people... alcoholism is truly a family disease. No matter what relationship you have with an alcoholic, whether they are still drinking or not, all who have been affected by someone else’s drinking can find solutions that lead to serenity in the Al-Anon/Alateen fellowship.

If I can be of help to you, please feel free to send me a Private Message and let me know.

Best regards,


P.S. It's against the normal rules to post links to outside websites within our messages here in this forum, however... I have cleared it with the Step12.com Moderators to include this link to the Al-Anon website.

Please check it out. I'm sure that you can find an Al-Anon fellowship in your area that will be able to help you.

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Postby Hope » Mon Sep 25, 2006 8:18 am

Thank you Dallas for telling Jason about alanon.

Thank you merderators (how do you spell that?) for your approval. 8)

Thank you Jason for telling your story. You touched my heart. Your story reminded me of all the people that I hurt with my drinking. I wanted to stop drinking. I promised I would stop drinking. I tried to stop drinking. I couldn't stop because I'm alcoholic and I needed help. Only a few alcoholics get help compared to how many alkies there are. I hate to say this but it is true that your friend might not get the help she needs. that is why you need to think about you right now and get the help that you need. get to alalon!!!! plus some day you will make a good speaker at alanon meetings jason!

First things first............................


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Joined: Mon Sep 25, 2006 1:22 am

Postby Paradigm13 » Mon Sep 25, 2006 10:15 pm

Thanks hope, after what you said it made me realise she probably didnt do those things to hurt me on purpose, all though I did at the time. Your right too that I need to go to alanon, seems funny to me to have to go to something like that but I think I need it. I read alot last night about codependants and it became alot clearer to me.

Then I realized why I tried so hard to try to live her life and try to change it for her, it's her own life and I have my own. Though I did try, thats all I can do and glad that I did.

I really hope you Find the peace you need withing yourself hope to keep sober :) and I really appreciate your comments..

oh and thank you for the alanon link, i'm gonna have a look asap.


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