My name is Anne M., I'm an alcoholic
Hey all, how's this day been for ya?
Your share took me back to when I first come in to the program 6 years ago. I wanted it & was willin' to go to any length to get it, so willin' that if my first sponsor would-a told me to stand on my head in the middle-a mainstreet I'd a blindly done so. I'm still that willin' -although my own history since then tells otherwise--I am still here..I keep comin' back cuz I know this is the solution. When I first come in, I was sick
..sick&insane. One-a the lady's from my 1st home group attached to me like a burr. My head was so spun & wrung that I couldn't make sense-a nothin'....she'd tell me 'er rules & I'd nod & go along. Some-a 'er rules was that I wasn't allowed to talk to any-a the guys in the group-to only talk to her, the women need to stick with the women; I was to do the steps her
way, not the BB way, that was only an example, & she showed me 'er resentment list & said to write down God's name 1st cuz I was angry at Him.
I had resentments...God wasn't one of 'em. I said this was her list...she said to do it exactly like she said. Another rule was to call 'er everyday, in the same breath, she said that she was gonna be outta town for 3 months, then after that, she was travellin' to some place else for however long...I wouldn't be able to git a-hold of 'er...but--I was to call 'er everyday???
She'd be poppin' thru town & would call me to see how I was doin'...when she did get back, I'd best be on Step 4. I know I'd only been sober 'bout 15 minutes...so I didn't know if the headaches I's gettin' was prolonged hangover or her givin' 'em to me. I knew this lady had my best interest at heart, & even still today, a lotta stuff she said to me back then--well...makes more sense to me today, but then--some of it, like the above said--still don't git it?? The above said, that she'd stated to me, it was 5 days 'er so after my last drink. She told me that she was my sponsor. I never saw 'er again for 'bout 2 months, in the meetin' room-asked me if I'd got to step 4 yet?? One-a the guys butted into say that my color had just now went from this
to now lookin' like I was gonna live. She abruptly told 'im to mind his own business
. I was to listen to only her, she asked me like she was a school teacher if I'd been talkin' to any-a the guys, cuz remember what her rules were. This one had me goin', & I didn't know no better. But as the fog got clearer & clearer, I slowly began to sense that somethin' wasn't quite right with this picture. I thought fo' sho' it was me cuz what did I know, I was a newcomer. I felt like what ya'll's seein' with this girl. Her sponsor is likely tellin' 'er to only listen to her. I seen this, too...& I've heard some who are honest about it in sayin' that they want people/a person all to themselves (in a strange way, it's obsession manifestin' in a different form). I am soooo grateful for the guys in my first group--cuz see--they knew this chick-a-dee, right? I didn't. And at first, they said they didn't say nothin', cuz ya just never know what'll work for someone...but they also said that they could see that I wasn't gettin' better. One of 'em...quietly asked me how it was goin'...6 months later, cuz he said he's been watchin', & he was concerned. Well, I fidgeted & fussed, not quite too sure how to even answer his question. He caught on to that, too. He clarified only for certainty of who my sponsor was. I nodded...he leaned in & asked me...so how's that goin' for ya. I leaned in & quietly said, ya heard the sayin' 'bout how some people'll drive ya ta drink? He quietly said to me, it's been known to happen with the sponsor you got. Then the second guy piped in & said, in fact, when it comes to the perfect battin' average, anyone she sponsors goes back out. I told 'em that I wasn't even s'posed to be talkin' to 'em cuz they were guys. These guys sort-a bunched up together & as a unit were my 'sponsors'
. The 1st guy quietly asked me if I'd heard that I could fire my sponsor?
'Course I hadn't heard that, how could I-a heard it if I wasn't s'posed to talk to anyone???
They helped me out a lot.
If you's not too sure if you should step in 'er not? Pray about it? Ask God as you understand Him if there's somethin' ya'll can do? These guys stepped in when the timin' was right. After that...I'd watch when this chick-a-dee would latch 'erself to a newcomer & I saw what I must-a looked like. One-a the guys said to me that if I felt like the program was gettin' jammed down my throat, & if I wasn't allowed to talk to people, then that person's probably not the right sponsor for me--they didn't tell me, they only...well...[i]talked. I'd try to do the same for new ladies who would come in...they'd be adamate as I was, that they needed someone tough like this chick-a-dee. Next thing we'd hear, they were back out there. I've seen many like 'er...like one's head ain't already got all our marbles rollin' 'round the floor of our skulls...but, ya know...who's to say I'm no different...maybe not in that sense, but--in other ways. You feel like ya wanna step in, ya feel like it's your responsibility. Have ya'll tried just invitin' this girl out for coffee or somethin' durin' the day or a time other than meetin' time? Don't gotta talk program, help 'er git to know someone else in the program. Maybe let 'er see an alternative for 'erself? Let 'er know that there's a wide-world of us out there, that she don't gotta stick with just one person. See if she'll take a Grapevine, read stories of others? If she wants it bad 'nuff, she'll figure it out...might be like me...might take time...I gotta git outta this "I want it now" attitude. Like Steve T., says, life's a journey, not a destination.
Might be nothin', might be somethin'...thanks for lettin' me share. I'm grateful to be here.
In the spirit of the fellowship,