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Hi, I hope it's OK for me to make a thread where I can post my progress periodically. I know this will be difficult for me and somewhat having a place where I can rant a bit and write down my feelings and how I'm coping will be of great help.
I posted a long introduction in the Introduction Forum, about my history and what happened. Here I'll write day by day.
I've been drinking daily. True sometimes I stopped for a couple of days following some particularly heavy binge, because I get afraid not remembering what I did the night before... but then I always gave in with a vengeance.
Now I vowed that this should never happen again. Not to condone teenage drinking, but I'm 31 and I'm no longer young - I don't want to die like my grandpa did. I have a family to take care of. Right now it's the other way round because my husband takes care of me. I've got a terribly addictive personality - I'm sure weren't I with my husband I'd end up addicted to drugs and heaven knows what else, it's definitely a problem I can do without!
Today is my Day 1. I envy most of you who haven't drunk for months and years! Yesterday I drank a can of beer... and a bottle of wine. And that was at noon. I was itching to buy a second bottle in the evening but I vowed not to. It was difficult.
Now it's 3PM. I'm getting restless and somewhat a bit hyper. Everytime I smoke a cigarette in the balcony I see the shop across the street and feel tempted to cross the road to buy... duh... My hands are a bit sweaty and jumpy, and I feel very "un-relaxed".
I made myself a 2 liter bottle of Strawberry flavoured crystal lite. Drinking that and being well-hydrated makes me feel better. Maybe it's like a placebo replacement... lol...
And the fight continues...
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- Joined: Sun Nov 19, 2006 10:00 pm
So far so good - within a couple of hours I'd have completed my 2nd 24 hours.
This morning when I had my first cigarette I noticed my hand, the one holding the cigarette, was trembling slightly. I couldn't control it. I wonder what it is. I very rarely drank in the morning. My downfall has always been evening and late evening. Though normally I'd wake up still tasting alcohol in my mouth and still feeling the illusional relaxing feeling it gave me. I think if I were to be breathalysed in the morning it'd show up in my system.
My skin certainly looked better though. It always does even before when I used to stop temporarily for a day or two. No puffiness in the face, no bags under my eyes. I look 5 years younger already... lol.
At times like these it's often that I don't have a craving at all. If I keep myself busy I actually forget about the desire to drink. Then I remember... and think how easy it is to stop drinking! Far easier than giving up cigarettes. When I quit the ciggies I used to spend hours running on the treadmill and the elliptical just to be out of breath enough so as not to desire a cigarette. Actually I resumed smoking a year after the birth of my daughter... Yes - and I say it's so easy to stop drinking and I'm so much in control now... I might as well have a little glass of something! That's how after a couple of good days I used to start drinking again. And down the hole I drop again.
Aren't I supposed to be jumping and trembling and hallucinating? I used to reason that since I don't then I wasn't an alcoholic. Lol sometimes I wish someone would tell me to go away from here because I'm not a real alcoholic. Well I wish I weren't... obviously.
I'm having that funny dull feeling in my right side again. It's weird because normally I get it when I drink heavily not when I'm abstaining. But it comes and goes.
I don't know if it's only me but during the first period of my sobriety I act somewhat drunk. Or that's what people tell me...
Like I mix up my words, or slur them, or start being forgetful or laugh a lot - and my husband would ask me if I had been drinking. Funny he never asks me when I have REALLY been drinking - he discovers it when he smells my mouth or sees the bottles. But why do I need drink to be coherent? To keep calm and have patience with my pre-schooler? To do the housework?
Those were the excuses I always bring up. But today I performed well at work, I'm keeping up with the house and am full of energy. So I don't really need drink to help me. It's just an immature excuse of mine.
I'm holding my fingers stretched out in front of me. They're not twitching, unlike this morning. I have a dry mouth, normally I'd reach for the wine. But a glass of good tasting strawberry flavoured water tastes much better. Wine isn't that good - I had actually switched to the sparkling variety. The only difference is that it was costing me a fortune, changing my personality, giving me a puffy old face and ruining my liver. Strawberry flavoured sparkling water is much better. It's cheap, it hydrates me rather than dehydrates me, and the fluids help purify the toxins in my poor liver.
I'm smoking less too. When I drink I nearly chain smoke all the time I'm drinking. That ups my cig consumption to 30 daily while now I'm already down to 20 daily...
That's all for now.
Thanks for bearing with my rambles!
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- Joined: Sun Nov 19, 2006 10:00 pm
I'm so ashamed.
No I haven't drank...
I just can't even do Step One...
My brain is rattling all the time. Not thinking about whether I want a drink or not but thinking on whether I am an alcoholic or not.
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- Joined: Sun Nov 19, 2006 10:00 pm
My... the changes a little bit of time makes!
I noticed the time of your first post today... and how you were doing... and then the time of your second post... and how you were doing.
Sharkbait wrote:Aren't I supposed to be jumping and trembling and hallucinating?
That may be questionable reasoning... 'cause... I'm alcoholic, and I'm not jumping, trembling or hallucinating either!
When I first landed in A.A., I thought that I couldn't be alcoholic... because alcoholics were supposed to be old smelly people who wear seven layers of clothes in the hot summer time... drinking wine out of a bottle with a brown paper bag over it... while they sit in parks, with no teeth, talking to imaginary friends, contemplating the depths of reality! "That ain't me! I can't be alcoholic!"
re: Your comment on the trembling hand....
While I was drinking... if I woke up and my hand was trembling... it was a sign to me... that either I hadn't drank enough alcohol before I went to sleep... or, I got up too late!
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My name is Anne
, I'm an alcoholic,
My girl, my girl...you're on the right track. What we've done to our body...
..give it time to heal, it'll take some time. For myself, one of the things I was after was that 'instant gratification' when I drank. We live in an 'instant' world...fast food/instant lunch; want supper to thaw, stick it in the microwave--instant. When we get a headache, the solution is reach for an aspirin or tylenol or whatever, to get rid of it, instantly--or-we go to a Dr., when we're sick...make me better 'now'. How unnerved one gets when that traffic light is red longer than I think it should be.
The first slogan I gripped onto in this program was Easy Does It. If you're an Aerosmith fan-or even if you're not, listen to the words in the song 'Amazing', says in there we have to learn to crawl before we can learn walk. It all takes time. This isn't a race. It's as though our bodies start throwing its own little temper-tantrum, it wants its fix...the messages the brain is getting is the same as when a 2 year old jumps up & down wanting his/her own way.
When I first come in to AA...it'd been 4 days after my last drink, I was poured a half cup of coffee in this little styrofoam cup. The guy who poured it knew what he was doing...I shook & rumbled like I was sitting on 10000 pounds of dynamite, it took me both hands to lift that cup to my mouth. It wasn't until 2 months in one of the guys said to me, "well at least ya look like you're gonna live, now." My color, he said, when I come in was this yellowish, greenish, grayish yik
--his body shuddered at the thought.
The guy who 12-stepped me--10 years prior to my finally getting here (I was 33 when I come in)--after he'd try to force a door to shut repetitively (he was about 2 years sober at this time), or if he lost his train of thought in conversation, he'd say: don't mind me, I'm an alcoholic.
After 6 years in this program, I'm coming up 1 year clean & sober--for real, this time. My speech sometimes comes out slurred, words get mixed up, whatever...don't mind me, I'm an alcoholic. This guy who 12-stepped me, I had the opportunity to meet & speak w/ one of his brothers last week, as we were talking, I could see in his eyes-his mind was working as he was talking, finally he shook his head and asked me where we were. Yes, he was sober...my immediate thought was relief...somebody else out there who's just like me. His reason for losing track of where he was is because he's a musician & had been out for a couple of weeks, hitting a different town every couple of nights. I used to do this, & I was playing in this one particular town, & part way thru the night, I looked out into the audience--& no way could I think of/remember where I was. I knew where I was--but it had momentarily escaped my mind. I said to this guy: oh, I've been there...touching my finger to my head..then told him where we were. This is why we go to meetings, make good use of "telephone therapy"--sit down at the computer & just pour it all out, because we
understand, because we all have this same disease...alcoholism.
You're body is not only withdrawing from the booze, it's also withdrawing from the sugar content. What was recommended to me, & it worked...was..absolutely, make sure you eat healthy, fruit, nuts, raw veggies...but also add to that chocolate, snickers bar, or mars bars...just be careful that the chocolate you have isn't the liquered sort--this is something to keep in mind especially w/ the holidays coming up. Got that itch for something 'sparkling' or carbonated...ginger ale...can even mix it w/ your crystal light. Try & do the cran-raspberry or whatever cranberry juice mix you like, it's good for getting your kidneys back on-line. You may not go thru the hallucinations, or the shakes...but don't be alarmed either if these sort-a creep up on ya, cuz you don't get the DT's when you're drinking, you get 'em when you're drying out. I was 6 months sober when I felt like I wanted to jump outta my skin, those creepy-crawly feelings. I thought: I quit drinking so as to feel like this
? And after this long? I was told that I was on-track...my body was still cleaning out. I was told that for some people, it takes about a year for your body to straighten out. I thought the answer was to keep busy/stay busy...when in fact-I was told "take it easy"...if there's a day where about all I could do was to switch the clothes from the washer to the dryer, then that's all I do...I had a daughter in grade 1, & another who was 3...so--of course, logically, there are things in the day that have to be done, but keep what needs to be done--keep that list as simple as possible. Treat yourself--to a haircut, curl up w/ that book you've always wanted to read...we've put ourselves thru the ringer, now we gotta give ourselves time & the chance to mend. I knew of a guy who decided that he needed to wash his walls...then he decided that it'd been long enough, they needed to be painted--went all gung-ho one day. The next day--his house was all an upheavle & he had no energy to do anything, his house was worse than what it was before he started--he got all bent outta shape...& went to the liquor store...why? Cuz that gave him the "energy" to paint his walls, cuz now that he'd started, he had to finish. Be very cautious of those bursts of energy.
Anyway, that's more than enough outta me.
Easy Does It, sweetie, and don't be so hard on yourself.
You are on the right track.
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Dallas and Anne, I appreciate your beautiful lengthy replies.
However please shoot me, I deserve to be shot...
Yesterday Day 3 went all OK. I couldn't get online because I had phone fault trouble so I couldn't post. My fingers didn't twitch yesterday morning. I was OK. I didn't have a craving. Actually I never really crave alcohol - what I know is that when alcohol is available I over-indulge in it like my child over-indulges in chocolate and sweets during festive times when it's so available.
What really worries me and I'm opening my heart here, is that I have an eating disorder and it makes alcohol calories worry me so I want to quit it...
But anyway, I'm sorry I disappointed you peeps and hope it's OK to write about this here - today we had this sparkling wine, my hubby had one glass and I had the rest. For me it's just cool, I feel relaxed, almost a tad too much... I wouldn't be drinking more if there was more alcohol in the house. I know that, like all the other times, I wouldn't be missing it in the morning. I just feel the desire to have those 3-5 glasses of wine some evenings to loosen me up and give me that fuzzy warm feeling.
Please don't ban me - I'm still not sure as to whether I have a problem or not. I don't know if I'm an alcoholic, or just a 'normal' albeit heavy drinker who wants to quit for the sake of alcohol calories... I don't know if I'd be needing the support of this forum tomorrow, or within a week, a month, or a year's time... Because I don't know where I stand.
I've never been really drunk. I can drink a lot yes, my tolerance is high somewhat, but I'm always lucid - I don't need to drink in the morning, nor do I wake up in the middle of the night trembling needing another drink to sleep, nor have I ever periled my job or family relations for my drinking, nor have I ever done anything crazy warranting conflicts with the law, jail or anything, I never suffered from DT's nor ever gone to a mental asylum.
It is now 8:45 pm... I'll be spending like 1 or 2 hours more online and go to sleep, and tomorrow I'll wake up without any hangover whatsoever.
I don't know but at times like these I tend to think that some occasional drinking like today is no less harmful to my mind than my daily cup of coffee when I wake up....
I don't know if I'm a normal person or not.
Because I don't know how much a normal person drinks. I've read some medical stuff, it says women shouldn't drink more than 14 units a week and sometimes I do have more IF I permit it. But does that make me an alcoholic? Or not? Am I just a normal heavy drinker?
I admit that I'm confused. I CAN drink a lot, but I don't "lose it" so to speak. I don't know if I'm understanding things right, but for me it means that as regards to what I just drank tonight I'm OK. I won't be needing anything else, I'm not going crazy because there's nothing else in the house or whatever. I didn't even need it this time - I just bought the bottle of sparkling wine because I rebelled, like an immature teen... I do want to control my drinking but I don't want to spend the rest of my life as a teetotaller. It's the same thing I do with calories as regards my eating disorder if anyone can understand that - I can say I can eat that stuff tomorrow, so it's OK and I feel good about it. But the way AA projects things is that you can't say that it's OK and you can drink tomorrow. I'd be happy to abstain... and drink (or eat) tomorrow or within a weeks time, but the "never again" thing is something very impossible for me to fathom.
The point is that if I drink again tomorrow I might be finding myself wanting to drink again the following day and the following, who knows? Maybe not. Whereas if I allow myself some drinks during the weekend I'd be in control, just like I am now. I have just finished my last drink, it's 9pm, and I don't feel the need to drink anymore... It's just enough. Enough drink-wise. 700 cals of alcohol is too much!
I'm sorry if I'm posting unsupportive stuff, that's not my intention. Please feel free to edit any 'triggering' stuff away, I don't want to do damage to anyone who is recovering. I just want to write all my feelings every day so I can read them and see what I've been through, because tomorrow I'd be learning from what I wrote today.
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I don't know where I stand.
I drink more than the recommended weekly units for women... but I can't decide if I'm an alcoholic or not.
Since my last post 4 days ago I've drank in the evening. Sometimes a bottle of wine, sometimes a bottle and a half, and once I had nearly 2.
I can go for days without drinking anything. Then I feel like I'm missing out... The idea of having to go without anything for the rest of my life
discourages me from this all.... Why should I?
After all I am not drunk now. And I had one litre of Sottovoce Frizzante... 12%, and I feel ok, very ok if I might add... And I know that tomorrow morning I'd be feeling OK just like I had for the past days. I get no craving of alcohol in the morning. Sometimes
I get that feeling like ugh I drank too much yesterday... but that's all.
Also when I don't drink I feel OK in the morning... and I keep feeling OK so I tell myself: WHY AM I DOING THIS? WHY AM I TRYING TO QUIT?
Should I speak to a doctor and then he can say if I have a problem or not?
Please I need your opinions and feedback. I've been checking here nearly every day for them. Maybe my immature self will be listening to extraneous advice? I dunno?
The issue is that I drink way to many alcohol CALORIES... It's unacceptable for me to drink between 700 and 1000 alcohol calories in a day... yikes that's enough for me to live on, and it should certainly be nutritious stuff not empty alcohol calories.
I'm so soo sooo confused...
What do you think I should do?
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- Joined: Sun Nov 19, 2006 10:00 pm
Hi Sharkbait ~
I'm sorry to hear that you are torturing yourself over and over with the "am I or am I not" debate. I know it well, been there done that.
Today I just got around to responding to your post on another board, can't remember which one, so I may repeat myself here a bit.
I have neighbors who, when they go to a party, sometimes will have a drink. Sometimes they won't finish that drink. I've come to believe that that is social drinking. I've also come to believe that anything that is not social drinking is problematic drinking.
I never drank in the morning. I never shook when I didn't drink. I didn't get arrested for driving while drunk. I didn't lose a job, a husband, a house, anything material, from drinking. I wasn't in debt, I didn't hide bottles, I didn't go to different liquor stores so the owners wouldn't see how much I drank, I didn't drive around town to dispose of the empties so that the garbage men and neighbors wouldn't see how much I drank. I never slept under a bridge or out on the street.
I am, however, an alcoholic. I did the same go-round that you are doing...trying to find the ultimate definition that would or would not fit me. Even when I read the description of an alcoholic in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, I can shake my head and say "nope, nope, nope, those don't apply to me."
A few things helped me to come to my conclusion:
I was not just a social drinker. I drank to get buzzed. Toward the end I drank alone. (Remember, this is a progressive disease -- for almost 30 years, I didn't drink alone. The last year, I did. That downward spiral came hard and fast without - seemingly - warning)
I identified with the feelings (not the drinking patterns necessarily) of the members of AA when they told their story at meetings.
It made sense when someone said that non-alcoholics don't wonder if they are alcoholics.
It also made sense when someone said that if the solution works, then I've got the problem (the solution being not drinking, attending AA meetings, and working the 12 Steps).
I could not swear with absolute certainty where things would end up once I started drinking. (lack of control)
I felt tons better when I did not drink (this does not hold true for everyone -- many feel tons worse for a while, so don't use this as the only gauge).
There may not be one easy statement that will help you determine for yourself. The Big Book (do you have one? If not it can be read on-line) has a suggested method. There are also 20 questions that can give you an indication, right here on this site: http://www.step12.com/alcoholic-20-questions.html
And, if you're still confused, I have a suggestion: why don't you stop drinking for the sake of caloric intake? See how you feel. And in the meantime, attend a couple of AA meetings (there are Open meetings, that non-alcoholics can attend) and see if you relate to anything said.
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