Sobriety first, maturity second, dating 3rd?

Topics and discussions related to being single and or dating while in 12 Step Recovery or 12 Step Programs
Tina L.
Posts: 73
Joined: Sat Aug 20, 2005 5:05 am

Sobriety first, maturity second, dating 3rd?

Postby Tina L. » Sun Nov 26, 2006 9:58 am

In another forum I just read a post by Dallas that had this in it,


God, Grant me the maturity
to accept what I'm feeling
and the courage to correct
the actions that I took
that made me feel this way.

Here is the deal.

I'm sober. I have a sponsor. I'm active in A.A. I'm going through the steps with my sponsor. I don't feel like I'm changing or growing fast enough.

I wasn't sure if I should post my message in this forum or the relationship forum because it deals with being single and relationships.

I'm constantly getting my feelings hurt whenever I even think about dating or relationships.

I know that it's my thoughts that are hurting my feelings. It's not something that someone else is doing to me and I'm not a victim.

My sponsor has suggested that I get more mature before I start dating sober. She is right.

I gave this guy my phone number and thought that he was going to call me. I wasn't going to date yet. Just talk for now. He didn't call. Now I'm feeling rejection. My head is telling me all kinds of stuff and I keep listening to it. I keep thinking about this guy all the time and every time my phone rang I thought it would be him calling me. Now I feel lonely, rejected, not good enough, and I'm pissed at him for not calling me so I have a resentment. I feel like buddy you don't know what you just missed out on. I keep hoping he will call. This is like stupid and childish. If I had dated the guy and he didn't call me then I would be on a real emotional bender!

I see why my sponsor says that I'm not mature enough to date yet.

My question is this Does anyone else go through this? I'm struggling with it. I don't feel like it is ever going to change for me. I also see how before sobriety this was a pattern for me. I would feel insecure and worthless and inadequate and when someone I was interested in didn't show mutual interest I got pissed off at them and even felt like getting revenge for it because it hurt so bad. Then I would end up in a club drinking and dancing the night away to prove that I was attractive and didn't need the jerks anyway.

It sucks because I don't think I'm ever going to get over this. I feel like the longer I have been sober the more sensitive that I am getting. I know that I can't be happy with this crap going on in my head.

How do I get it to stop? What do I do? Will I ever get over it? I can't sleep tonight because my head is crawling around like bugs inside my brain eating away with crazy thoughts.

I hope that this too shall pass but I have my doubts about it passing. I won't drink tonight and I will call my sponsor later today but right now I just feel all afraid. When I was doing my fourth step I think I remember my sponsor asking me about this but I told her no that I never felt this way. Moment of clarity? ####!


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Hang in there

Postby Dallas » Mon Nov 27, 2006 7:04 am

Hey Tina,

Sorry to hear what you're going through.... I can assure you, I'll even guarantee it... it will pass! Just hang in there and keep doing what you're doing.... in regards to following our path. One day, you'll be looking back laughing at it. Then, you'll identify with those same feelings that do cause problems for others... and you will know how to help those who are, like you, trying to get to the other side of the problem.

Tina wrote: "I don't feel like I'm changing or growing fast enough."

Those feelings are normal for the phase of development that you are in. I don't know any of us who felt like we changed and grew fast enough! Growth and change are often painfully slow... but it does happen for those who try to change! We often recognize the change and growth in others before they see it for themselves.

I see tremendous changes in you! I wish my own growth was as rapid as yours! It's amazing to see the changes that have taken place for you and in you. Even your spelling and typing have improved!

Your Sponsor is a very wise woman, who has much experience with the 12 Steps and with helping others, and she cares for you. She will help you get through what you are going through.

Tina wrote: How do I get it to stop? What do I do? Will I ever get over it? I can't sleep tonight because my head is crawling around like bugs inside my brain eating away with crazy thoughts.

1. Since I personally know what you're doing to take actions -- I can totally assure you that it will stop and it will stop automatically as a result of taking those actions.

2. You are already doing it.

3. Yes, you will get over it.

4. All of us, at times... will have sleepless nights due to the "head bugs." They are kind of like regular bugs... we get rid of them, they stay gone for a while, and all of a sudden we get one that returns. We deal with it and the bug is gone.

We go through phases of development in our recovery and in rebuilding our lives. It takes time and experience using our tools.

First we get physically sober. Then, using the 12 Steps, we dump our emotional garbage and we make amends. As we continue through the Steps, we begin to discover that your thinking has changed (returned to sanity).

As we continue practicing the Steps, we learn how to control the mood swings and moodiness. We learn how to create positive and healthy emotions. We learn how to turn our thoughts from negative to positive. And, we begin to experience emotional stability.

We begin to feel and experience peace of mind, serenity, and a feeling as though we are in a safe place of neutrality.... and then, while we are in this place... we will begin the process to maturity. And, maturity will become the new phase of our development.

Hang in there! Everything is where it's supposed to be... including you!

Best regards to you,


P.S. To get over what's going on with the obsession with the guy and him calling you: Get involved into helping someone other than yourself. It will take your thoughts off of you, and you'll feel better... as you recover. :wink:

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Joined: Mon Mar 27, 2006 3:36 am

Postby Candy » Mon Nov 27, 2006 8:15 am

tina's got a crush? :lol: heehee!!!! Just joking baby girl dont get mad at me again. You could give your number to 100 guys and maybe one will call you and want what you got. :lol: Read page 96 instead of 69 for the sex joke. Stop taking yourself too serious. Rule 62. Maybe the guy is Mr. Right but your not Ms. Right right now. Even Mr. Right with Ms. Wrong aint'a gonna work. Chill baby. write me. or call me!!!! :lol: Love u. Candy.

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Joined: Mon Apr 17, 2006 3:42 pm

Postby anniemac » Fri Dec 01, 2006 4:54 pm

Hiya Tina ~

I'm been married and faithful for the past 21+ years, yet I can still relate to what you wrote, because I can get squirrelly if I leave a message for a friend and she doesn't call me back, or if I post a post and it doesn't get responded to! :oops: I am finally finally able to see how incredibly self-centered I focus is so often directly inward, I can obsess over my thoughts and feelings. I just recently began to understand the expression "at 5 years you get your marbles back, and at 10 you learn how to use them". Coming up on 4 years this month, some of the fog is finally lifting!

I have learned that my self-esteem must come from me, not from how others respond to me. As they say, it's an inside job. And, of course, one way to develop self-esteem is to do esteemable things. And when I am busy doing esteemable things, my thoughts are not focused inward, and suddenly I'm not obsessing.

Truly understanding my responsibility for just about everything in my life, including my happiness and my self-esteem, has been quite the journey. AA is a wonderful design for living. I supplement my work in AA with other work -- with a therapist, with meditative yoga, with spiritual workshops and practices, etc. I am probably one of the few AA members I know who does not disparage therapists. Therapy has been crucial to me learning how to process through and release old pain and old beliefs/patterns. None of that would do any good, however, if I didn't continually develop deeper willingness along the way. The willingness to see my part in things I thought I had no part in has been mind-blowing.

It's a process, and any shortcuts to speed it up would likely end up shortchanging me and the process. The only way to get over those feelings, that I know of, is to go through them. What we avoid, we repeat.

You said "I feel like the longer I have been sober the more sensitive that I am getting." Oh, boy, do I relate to that! That's what happens when the defenses begin to crumble and we fully feel our feelings again. What was I told early on? Oh, yeah -- "the good news is, we begin to feel again. the bad news is, we begin to feel again." :shock:

Hang in there, here comes the inevitable expression: This Too Shall Pass.


Posts: 409
Joined: Mon Apr 17, 2006 3:42 pm

Postby anniemac » Fri Dec 01, 2006 10:44 pm

Also meant to say, that an important realization for me was that everything that others do, they do because of who they are, not because of who I am. Things are not done to me, they are done from others.

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