Wow!!! A really juicy topic here and I almost missed seeing it!
Well... two of the best one's that I would have sought feedback from have shared here ... Thank you anniemac and Molly ... Great sharing!
And, thank you Tamburasi, for sharing your problem! In this moment it will give me something to think about that doesn't include myself!
However, for me to feel comfortable about sharing on it... I'm going to create a fake scenario and walk through a Resentment Inventory with it... and since it will be a fake scenario that I've made up... similar to your situation... without actually being the situation... I won't step on anyones toes by taking their inventory!
So... now assuming a fake scenario like with anonymous fake people involved... and assuming that this is "MY Resentment Inventory" and not yours... here goes:
In my far left column, I would write:
I'm angry and resentful at: "My Sponsor Sensitive Sam"
Next column, I would write:
Why am I angry? : "The sensitive jerk is playing childish games with my head and acting like a child that is pouting and full of self-pity, and it's going to effect my party."
Next column, I would write:
What part of (my) self was hurt or threatened?
Here, I would write:
It's effecting my self-esteem, my pride, my emotional relationships, my social ambitions, it's effecting my pocketbook (because it kept me awake all night thinking about it... and I was late waking up, late getting to work, and I'll miss a half-hour of pay over it) and... it's affecting my sex relations! (Yep! I might have had the chance to get some last night ... if I hadn't been so upset with this!!! I was totally unable to be romantic with my partner... so, now it's affecting my other relationships also!!!).
Then, I would start another column, and write down all of my "exact nature of my character defects" as it applied to this situation.
Here is what my list would include:
I would write: I was selfish, self-seeking, dishonest, and afraid!
(why I would end up noticing those character defects about myself)
I was selfish... because this is my party, I want everyone to act right, and this party is about me!
I was self-seeking... because I wanted Sensitive Sam to be like Mature Mark! And, Sensitive Sam is acting like Sensitive Sam!!! I wanted him to be caring and sensitive about my needs and wants... rather than him being like he is... himself!
How was I dishonest? First, I've been dishonest with myself about this. I've been making up excuses for Sam to try and quiet my head, and I've been telling myself that "well, this doesn't bother me". I've had to twist the scenario with others without telling them the real deal -- because I'm afraid they'll react unfavorably towards me and they'll say that I'm a trouble maker, that I'm not accepting and that I'm taking Sam's Inventory instead of my own!
What is it that I was afraid of? "I was afraid that Sam wouldn't be my friend, he would stop being my sponsor, he might go tell my Home Group all kinds of lies and junk about me, and then my whole Home Group and all my AA friends would abandon me!!! And, no one would understand my side of the story!"
So... now I would ask myself "What is the exact nature of MY wrongs?"
The exact nature of my wrongs are: Selfish, self-seeking, dishonesty, and my fears in regards to this situation.
Now, the fun part... "Where was I to blame?"
(It's about taking responsibility for myself, my actions, my decisions, and my results... so that I can change the things that I need to change... and accept the things that I cannot change) Here goes:
Where was I to blame? (Remember... this column is not about finding fault... it's about owning our stuff, owning our experience, and taking responsibility... rather than being a victim. If I remain a victim in the situation... I'll always be a victim... and there is nothing I can do to change this situation ... or for situations in the future!)
1. I'm the one who decided that Sam was to be my sponsor.
2. I did ask Sam to be my sponsor.
3. I've seen some insecure and unpredictable incidents with Sam in the past... (red flags), and I've been the one who has continued our relationship... rather than searching for a different sponsor (or trying to work it out with him before this situation).
4. I made the decision as to who would be coming to my party.
5. I was the one who asked Sam to come to the party.
So... I'm able to accept responsibility for "my actions and my decisions and my participation in the situation" no one forced me into it! I'm able to accept responsibility for my experience... the way this situation has effected me emotionally and materially.
By owning my stuff, I can now ask myself....
"What could I do differently?" (These are options... not "musts")
1. I could try to work this out with Sam, or....
2. I could find a new sponsor.
3. I could try to work with Sam to improve our relationship and communications with each other... or, I can consider it as finished, and move on with my life.
That's how I would do it in my fake situation... and how I do it for my real-life situations.
I would also want to be complete... and go ahead and make a list of my fears that I discovered that I had... and get rid of those, while I was getting rid of my resentments.
I would be sure to talk this over with another human being.... (so that I could admit to myself, to another human being and to God, the exact nature of my wrongs) Step 5.... Then I would definitely move right into the principles of Steps 6-9 with it.
I would want to make a list of anyone who had been harmed by "the situation that I had a part in making happen" and become entirely willing to make amends to them all.... and make direct amends to them. Since this deals with other Steps... I won't write about it here... However, for me... this is the part where I get set free!!! And, this is the part that helps me to grow in effectiveness and helps me to make better decisions in the future.
Sorry if this took so long... It's the only way I know how to do it.
I realize I left out a bunch... and that's because I didn't want to feel the guilt of making it longer!!!