You're not dumb - stop acting that way

[musicmode]

Hey, how's it going?

Thanks so much. You know, after having slept on it, and in conjunction with your share, there's a little "something more" awakening...I don't know if it all makes sense enough yet to put it into words as well as you did...but my angle is taking this from the stand-point of that people pleasing thing, or...the actor in the show...and the director, and the producer, etc., etc., and, you're right...tying up all the loose ends everywhere, even there-in word usage-where I never really thought about before--because I wouldn't slow down to do so--just get all defensive because it touches some kind of nerve ending--of which, in itself, I've learned from observing others around these rooms that, if something rubs 'me' the wrong way-it isn't what the other person says or said, it has to do with something in my own inventory--a trigger. I'm nervous when I speak to people, be it one on one or whatever, a lot because I'm worried/wondering if I'm making sense, I'll lose track of my point-if I even had one, and--very quickly, I'm tired because I'm trying to retain what the other person said--it seems to take a lot of concentration for me sometimes, to just have a simple conversation...I'm easily distracted, and if I'm in a room with flourescent lighting--I tire so quick I feel like I could just shut my eyes and go to sleep. If I don't know, though...I don't know--and I don't have to do no song & dance around it--just so that I don't look stupid, or crazy, however, it doesn't mean I'm dumb/stupid for not knowing something--and that in itself is a real sensitivity button for me--I instantly feel hurt and embarrassed and ashamed when someone else either laughs, or condescends or ridicules because I don't know something...the 'rub it in' words for me is when I hear: You don't know that--everybody knows that!! So I 'learned' to play along in order to avoid feeling hurt/embarrassed, belittled and just lesser as an individual...then anger seaps in because I don't know what to say, how to feel, how to respond? So, I react/retaliate. I don't have to play along--Ive just done that for so long that I don't know what else to do when such a situation occurs Brings to mind something someone had said in a meeting once where he used to laugh at everybody's jokes, even when he didn't find them funny, just to fit in, or go along with things...and that comes around to being dishonest with myself. I don't have to walk away in a huff and all defensive because somebody's joke rubbed me the wrong way or I just didn't find it funny...but, I don't have put on this showpiece belly-laugh either.

I realize, too...I'm just tired, y'know? I just wanna be me, and be comfortable in my own skin, keeping things simple, and honesty tend to make that so. The discipline that goes along with just slowing down (even a fraction) and thinking about something so simple as grammar and punctuation, basically think about what I am saying/writing, instead of just talking off the top of my head...in essence, actually slows me down-in a good way...the only way the hamster wheel upstairs can stop is if I quit feeding it fuel. To move my lips when I speak instead of mumbling because...it takes too much effort to open my lips I've had people in my life who have told me: when you're in this situation, say this, don't say that, say what you do this way and not that way. Then, when asked if I did say something I was "supposed" to say, and I say no, the other party flies off the handle because I was too stupid to not think of what to say/what to ask. Like...okay man...I got my own sanity to deal with, don't get me wrapped up in yours, too . That's why Tradition 10 is my favorite, now I have a principle I can lean on in situations, where I can look at the situation for what it is, and say: this is your ball-game man, it's an outside issue for me--do your own talking, and I'll do mine, and the way it happens is the way it happens, and that's that. Even at that, though...simple, but not easy.

Thanks for sharing with me, and allowing me to share.
Keep It Simple,
Anne

[Dallas]

..... at alcoholics like us because we are those "egomaniacs with inferiority complexes."

Is it okay for me to still be alcoholic and not be "an egomaniac with an inferiority complex"? Or... does it make me nonalcoholic... if I can don't identify as an "egomaniac with an inferiority complex"?

Sometimes -- in meetings, I have this confusion come up for me.

I hear expressions such as "we alcoholics are this way" or "we alcoholics are that way" and I begin to feel like I'm in the wrong place. It used to make me question "if I was alcoholic" -- and sometimes, with some things that I hear, it can still make me question "maybe I'm nonalcoholic, then?"

Perhaps... if I used to be or used to identify with being selfish, self-seeking, self-centered, ego-centric, dishonest, afraid, self-will-run-riot, or an egomainiac with an inferiority complex -- or some other negative trait -- and -- that is "why" I was alcoholic, - and then -- I changed -- I guess I could now say "I used to be alcoholic"! Is that how it works?

Dallas

[garden variety]

Well Dallas, they say keep coming back for a reason too.

Lets just stick with the "I'm sensitive and sometimes I get overwhelmed by my feelings of personal inadequacy because of my inadequacies... and it usually happens when I meet someone new... and I'm afraid. If that doesn't bother you, I sure am pleased to meet you and I have an interest in knowing you!" line of thinking.

Sounds alcoholic enough to me! You're pretty well qualified.

I mean if you put all of the words we're using here and there in the blender, they still come out the same way and say the same thing.

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable."

Really its OK to be "recovered from that hopeless state of mind" like we are today. It's OK and good to have a positive attitude because we all got off the "Titanic" before she sunk. Remember? We've "achieved" sobriety.

I don't think we're gonna let you join the "heavy drinker" or "moderate drinker" bunch before you talk to your sponsor.

[Dallas]

Yep. Paul, this was a good idea that you started this topic! I'm growing with it!

I had one of those "interesting observations" that I stumbled into, and when I stumbled... I racked up a Moment of Clarity... along with some growth and more self-knowledge.

I had started writing down a message to post -- about, what it is, that I know of -- that makes me alcoholic. And, how if I discovered what it was -- many years before I came to A.A., I could have saved myself from many problems that I later encountered.

Then -- I got distracted. I had been feeling some "disgust" today -- about a couple of someones -- and about their behaviors, motives and intentions -- that became obvious and evident, at a coffee shop at the meeting after the meeting last night.

I didn't inventory it last night -- because I was telling myself "what I feel is disgust and it's rightly to feel this way" over their actions -- and, besides it isn't a "resentment."

Today -- as I was re-feeling the disgust, I got a curious idea... "I just wonder if disgust -- could be another word that I use for resentment -- when I'm not looking at something?" (Kind of like last week, when I had a moment of clarity that "shy" was a word and condition that I had - and came to the understanding that "shy" was simply my way of "being afraid.")

Since I didn't have a "disgust" form to use for my spot-check Inventory (I was taking one because I recognized that I was "disturbed" about something) -- I decided to do the full blown inventory of "Resentments, Fears, Sex Conduct and Harms Done To Others" -- using the people and the events of last night -- as the "people" (Except for the sex part -- no sex stuff there -- with them, and it's too long to explain, so I don't know why I brought it up -- other than to say that I was being "thorough" And, I can use the info... to help guide me in the future... just in case I ever do get lucky enough to have some sex conduct, again! ).

I discovered I had some HUGE resentments and ANGER!

I was amazed to discover... how much "selfish, self-seeking, dishonesty, being afraid, and inconsiderate" that I had been doing! My dishonesty was about being dishonest with myself -- about the others involved, and dishonest with myself over my feelings!

I was able to see that sometimes -- I still associate with "lower companions"... because I get lonely and I have a fear of being alone! OH WHAT AN ORDER! And, that I still tend to carry on efforts to "deny"... that "what is going on - is going on - and has been going on - by some of the people that I choose to be around!" And, that I make excuses for them, and their behaviors!

Well heck! If I keep doing that -- my fears of "being alone" will always be manifested -- because, if I'm surrounding myself with some "lower companions" who act like lower companions -- decent people are not going to want to be around me -- thus... I'll end up alone!

Hmmmm. Imagine that!

Guess what else I discovered?

I am an "ego-maniac with feelings of personal inferiority!"

HOWEVER.... that's "not because I'm alcoholic"... it is because "I need to change!"

Thanks for the opportunity to do a global 5th Step!

If this is what it takes for me to change... THEN I WANT TO CHANGE!!!!

Love and hugs to you all!!!

Dallas