- Relationship problems must be over!

Relationship problems must be over!




A discussion of topics related to relationships in recovery and treatment

Relationship problems must be over!

Postby Dallas » Wed Aug 08, 2007 6:23 pm

It looks like all the relationship problems must be over!!!

Everyone appears to be happy, joyous and free!

And, either honest or just not talking about it! :lol:

Imagine that!!!

Evidently -- someones are working something somewhere - and it's working!

Dallas
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Postby garden variety » Thu Aug 09, 2007 8:58 am

Yup. Count me in with the ones that are working. The "grammar teacher" lady-friend and me are trudging happily together. We been serious since February. I never thought it could happen. But this is the best relationship I've ever had with a lady. I'd say we're both pretty silly in love. We haven't moved in or got married yet, but we have a day at a time.

I think for both of us, we touch each other at the spiritual level which was missing in every relationship I been in until now. She's a normal girl, but she understands alcoholics. It's such a relief knowing she'll never "go back out" drinking because she never was there to start with. Sometimes she'll frown when I go to so many meetings. But if I miss any, she'll remind me "When was the last meeting you went to?" Then she'll shew me off to a meeting. Thank God for Al Anon too.
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Postby Dallas » Thu Aug 09, 2007 9:30 am

Thanks for sharing that Paul!!!

You're the second alcoholic guy that I know -- in the last several hours -- that has commented on what a great relationship that they have with a wonderful person!!!

I think it's incredible and inspiring to hear the stories like yours! It's great to know that we are still in the age of good and healthy relationships for those who have the tools to make them good -- who pick someone who is capable, and can and will work with them -- and, that they have done the things, and still do the things necessary to have and enjoy a good life -- with relationships included!!!

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Postby TinaL » Thu Aug 09, 2007 5:31 pm

I am so broken hearted right now! I am sad because my 27 year old niece is using her 2 ½ year old son to hurt me for what I have done to her while I was drinking. Once upon a time, I was like the “motherâ€
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Postby DebbieV » Thu Aug 09, 2007 6:51 pm

Hey Tina,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through, I'm can't say I have been through It but I do know that kids can break your heart more than anyone can, especially when you are sober and busting your butt to try to do the right thing.
I thought I may start with a little of my experience. If I am upset with some one even if I don't feel like I am wrong, I still need to ask myself if I was selfish, dishonest, resentful or fearful. I know it says in the book that resentment is the "number one' offender' It destroys more alcoholic than anything else. I know you may have feelings of resentment of her not letting you see her son, but I'm wondering if it could be more resentment there? Maybe you fell like that now that you are sober, she should trust you again. Or maybe its kind of hard to handle that she seems to be wealthy, or at least doing well for herself. I know for me I have the hardest time with my family, not others, I have a brother who could by heaven if he wanted to and his daughter ( my niece ) wont even speak to me at family gatherings, and they both went on my 4th step. Today I know that I cant do anything to change their minds about me, there is nothing I'm going to do to get my niece to bring her new baby to my house, she doesn't trust me, and to tell you the truth I don't blame her, I did a lot of things in my life for people not to trust me, but it does me no good at all to get disturbed about it, all that does is messes with my sobriety, and if I do that then I wont have to worry about who trust me or likes me, cause I wont be around to see it.
As far as my Strength goes, I need to get to a meeting , help another alcoholic, call my sponsor, read the BB, listen to some AA tapes, anything not to let my crazy alcoholic mind take over. Get out of my own head.
And for my Hope, I know that things work them self out, if we continue our spiritual life, If I stop doing the things that gave me the spiritual life, the steps, the BB, meetings, sponsor, helping others, praying etc, then I become disturbed about something and fixing what is disturbing me doesn't do the trick, picking back up my spiritual tools is what does the trick for me. I do know that there is hope for you Tina, I have had things that come up that feels like it is going to rip me into while I have been sober, and I call my sponsor and I see that it is me that needs the work, not the people or the thing I thought.
I hope you don't feel like I have taken what your going thought lightly, I can only imagine what you are, I know that children hit your heart hard. but in my ES&H if I do what my book says, things just start falling into place.
I hope you are not beating your self up for things is the past, just tring your best to change you.
Hang in there girl, we are all with you.
Deb
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Postby TinaL » Thu Aug 09, 2007 8:22 pm

Deb,

Thank you so much for your ES&H! You have helped me tremendously!

After crying for the past few hours and after reading your ES&H , I'm seeing that maybe it is taking something like this (feeling like someone I love dearly has died) to open this crazy, twisted, selfish alcoholic's eyes to what I need to be doing with the rest of my life!

I will persevere!! I will be more mature once I come through this situation!

Thank you and God Bless you!
Tina
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Postby TinaL » Thu Aug 09, 2007 10:04 pm

Dallas posted the below under "Emotional Hangovers":
12&12 page 90 wrote:
It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also. But are there no exceptions to this rule? What about "justifiable" anger? If somebody cheats us, aren't we entitled to be mad? Can't we be properly angry with self-righteous folk? For us of A.A. these are dangerous exceptions. We have found that justified anger ought to be left to those better qualified to handle it.

I feel this pretty much applies to me!

This alcoholic loves reading in this forum and finding exactly what I need to hear to help me get through just about anything!

Thanks to all who share and thanks for letting me share!
Tina
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Postby garden variety » Thu Aug 09, 2007 10:35 pm

Well I understand some of this from a different angle. It involves my kids. I can't begin to tell you how much harm my drinking caused in their life. I went through a divorce, I blamed them and their mom (I was totally wrong), and I worked my hardest to push them away and I was very successful at that. I missed out on the "wonder years" of their lives from say 9 through adulthood. I can't even begin to tell you what a mess I made of things.

I made amends with their mom first - that took me 5 years to even begin, and I'm still doing it - that will be a lifelong process. I did her very wrong and put her through hell she didn't need to go through. It really hurts still to remember how badly I treated her. She has forgiven me, and she has finally reached a point where she is beginning to trust me.

Late last year my daughter who is now in her early 20's called me. We had a heart to heart, and I began making amends with her. She had over 10 years of resentment and hurt against me. She really blasted me in a letter in my early sobriety, and I still felt like she could go to hell in my early sobriety. Today that's changing. I bought her a car, because she is putting herself through school and living on her own, and she loves it and that was a big turning point for her. She saw after all this time, that I was serious about sobriety, and she could begin trusting me again. I started by meeting a need she had, and her mom helped me with the words and timing.

Tina, I was missing in action in the lives of my own kids for 10+ years. I volunteered to give my relationships up with them because they were in the way of my drinking. This year I got a call on fathers day from my oldest son who is a twice-decorated combat veteran. He wished me a happy fathers day, and told me he loves me. This is no kid - this is a genuine war hero who put his life on the line on 3 tours of combat duty in Iraq. He had every reason to hate me. I haven't even really begun to make amends to him, but he wants me to be a part of his life again. That's God's Grace and Mercy at work - doing for me what I don't deserve and could never do for myself.

What I'm saying is time is the best friend to a recovering alcoholic. It took so many years for my kids to trust me - many many years. But miracles happen - they did to me and to "countless others" in this fellowship. The only thing I could do is help the changes that God was doing to me stay there by practicing these principles - this also included many prayers for family and people that hated me. But I can assure you in my life, that praying like this works.

So Tina, it might take years for you, but I'd suggest that you start praying for your family tonight with all your heart wishing them the same good you'd want for yourself. It's the hardest thing in the world to do, but I swear I never seen anything work quite so well. But it does take a lot of time and patience.

And PLEASE, work this program to the best of your ability and ask God to keep you sober every day. Because if you go back out again, well it just won't get any better. But if you do the 3rd step each day and let God run the show, things at least have a chance to turn around for the better.
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Postby TinaL » Thu Aug 09, 2007 10:58 pm

Paul,

Thank you so very much for your warm words and sharing your story with me. I feel so blessed as I sit here reading your story with tears running down my face. I am so happy to be here and at the same time scared to death because I have not actually felt emotions like this in such a very, very long time.

I had shared with you in a post that got lost. In that post, I told you that I never had any children of my own because I was too busy drinking and partying. I have made so many mistakes in the past but I do so desperately want to turn that around for me so that I too can live a happy, joyous and free life!

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me get through another day!

God Bless You!
Tina
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This too -- shall pass.

Postby Dallas » Fri Aug 10, 2007 2:21 am

Hey Tina,

Sorry to hear of your difficulties. As you can see – most of us can identify with difficult situations, especially in early sobriety!

Always remember – that we are here with you and here for you. We have gone through difficulties and conflicts – and stayed sober. And, so can you!

Many of these types of problems take time to resolve. And, truthfully – some of them never get resolved like we would like them to be resolved. But, that does not prevent us from living sober, happy, joyous and free, with peace of mind and the serenity that comes from knowing that we have done all that we could do – to make amends, and to live differently in our present.

Later, down the road, as you trudge the Highway of Happy Destiny with us – you’ll be able to look back and see how your experiences can help countless others. The liabilities of your past – can, and will, become assets for your future.

Hang in there! We’re here with you and for you!

This too -- shall pass.

Dallas
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