Now...there are topics, and there are topics
Okay...now that I have the cheesy out of the way...here's a topic that I would steer away from, because of guilt, and shame...and uncertainty. Finally, when I did my last round of the steps...I waded in slowly and carefully.
I was out to "live it"...the 'life'...and here's the slogan we've all heard: sex, drugs, and rock&roll
. I used it...used it to help me feel wanted, to fill a void that could not be filled, but I would keep trying. Sometimes it was of lust...see a guy walk in, "gotta have", u-huh...and--would have success. I "showed off" to a friend once, this friend (female) and I went for a couple of drinks after work, this guy walks in who was very pleasing to the eye, I said to her: watch this, that guy is sitting here, and I pointed beside me. Wasn't that tough, either...I made eye contact, and rather bluntly pointed at him and told him he could sit here if he wanted to. He did. From the stage, I could choose, and choose I did. Once I was closer, and didn't like something about him...I'd ditch him. I did all these things, and it was all about power, and it was all about building up a self-esteem that I didn't have, and never got either...but I kept trying anyway. In part, this was fed by being this ugly, overweight kid, and being told so (in school), and made fun of, and told I'd never have a date, no guy would ever want me, etc., etc., ...so...I was proving them (those kids in school--who were no where around when I was landing these guys, right?)--no where around, but I was proving them wrong. I got callous and unfeeling about it all. Not only did I use these guys, I used the music and my "position" in order to do this...all without feeling. It was a "sport" of hunting, and it was about the "trophies" (the number). It had nothing to do with love...and quite frankly, it had nothing to do with sex either...it had to do with an idea...the same idea that I had about using alcohol and drugs...this idea that, somehow?? This was going to make me feel better, make everything better...that all would be fine and dandy and fixed
about me. All these things did was make that void bigger...and bigger...until it nearly swallowed me whole. When it came to sex, I knew that it wasn't right...but...I didn't care
. It was all about me
, and how I perceived myself--the unworthy trying to feel worthy. I didn't care who I was hurting or if I was hurting anybody else...but, I
was hurting--and numb to it. Adultery? times who knows how many. The strange part about this, is...I could, in fact...when I sat down, when we gotta make that list...I could come up with every one...perhaps not each name, but I could come up with each time...my count isn't as high as that of someone like Gene Simmons, but it's high enough for me. The man that I am married to now is #44...and I have been absolutely monogomous with him. I know what I've done is wrong, and I can admit that here. I know, too, that this is an example of how very sick I indeed was. I did hurt others, and I have made amends. What amazed me was, even after how hurtful I was, and the debris that was left in the wake of one in particular, how he responded to me with nothing but concern...for me? Here I was, the one who inflicted the pain on him, and he shows concern for me. This taught me that, doing Step 4, and on through to Step 8 and 9--when we gotta step out of our box and make those amends...it's not as bad as what we fear
, and--it gives me the courage to keep doing my steps over and over again the way I was taught that I would have to do them.
Easy Does It,